Alzheimer’s and hygiene (or lack of)

Correction. I meant to say I know that people with dementia often do not understand what’s going on around them.

I am so sorry, but I can totally identify. My husband was totally opposed to all things related to hygiene! He would fight us, almost in a state of panic. I thought it had to do with an innate sense of needing privacy. He would say, “It’s not right !” I learned to just bathe as much as he would allow, one body part at the time. Fortunately, he didn’t do any work or exhibit body odor. One of the first things I read early on was,”Nobody dies from not having a bath”.
As for toileting, I bought Seni disposable pull ups from Amazon which were much more absorbent than what I could purchase here at the drugstore. They also protected his skin and he never had a rash or sores. I would clip the seams first, making it easier to quickly yank them off. (The ones with Velcro tabs did not work for us.) Once they were off, he often would thank me 🤪 for helping him. I bought waterproof washable pads for the sofa and chairs to protect from leaks. If I got him changed once or twice a day, I counted it a success. I also talked to the doctor about medication that might help to calm him down. He was already taking Seroquel and Dr added a low dose of Ativan which was a game changer for us. He still would resist changing but would not get so very angry. I really think it allowed us to care for him at home his last days, rather than in a memory care facility.
Blessings to you. You are not on this journey alone.

in reply to @1k194 Your comment really got my attention this morning. I am a caregiver for my 84 year old friend/neighbor, and while she is not incontinent as far as I know, I asked her last night why she was not asking me to to her laundry like she has done in the past. She responded that she stays up after I leave at night to do hand washing of her lingerie. When I asked her what kind of soap she is using, she responded, "hand soap." I told her that the hand soap was not the right kind of soap and that she needed to get her laundry together so that I could start doing it again like I used to. Last month we had to send out all of her laundry because she had let it build up for almost 3 months. I suppose I should have been paying more attention, but she would not let me look at her laundry. I wonder now, after reading your post, if she is having problems with incontinence and does not want me to know. One can only do so much, right? Thank you so much!

I have no remedy but a lot of empathy!! I have found it comforting to know I'm not the only one experiencing this with our loved one. My husband's brother has an advanced stage of FTD and primary progressive aphasia. He's only 66 and we had to move him into a memory care community. We are his primary caregivers outside the staff at the community. He has refused to shower ever since being moved there. Then his incontinence became an issue, first with his stools. He had poop all over him, his furniture, and his room. Almost like he was playing with it. He still refused to shower. It takes two people to get him into the shower and he fights and yells the whole time.
I'm going to ask his doctor about the low dose of Ativan. I feel so bad for the staff taking care of him. He used to shower ever morning after his morning walk. He doesn't take long walks anymore (just stays in his room all day), so maybe that's why he doesn't know he needs to shower? My heart goes out to everyone experiencing this awful situation with their loved one.

My mother-in-law died two months short of her 100th birthday and close to the end she hated taking showers. She told me they felt like sandpaper scraping her skin.

If you Google "Teepa Snow, Resistance to Bathing", you will find a lot of information about this issue. I hope it helps.

this was my world for 3 months. she was biting the nurses and caregivers even my dad and me when we tried. Don't give up. my mom finally let the caregivers do it but would scream out to stop etc. but meds 1 hour before helped calm her slightly. we just did it quickly and then gave her time to rest right after.

in reply to @1k194 Yes, a lot of empathy and a break now and then. I did convince my friend that she needed to change her bath towel at least once per week, as well as her hand towels. Out of frustration I took both home with me, along with her bath mat, and I was astonished at how filthy they were. My friend has a housekeeper who only comes once per month and does a lousy job. Think: surface cleaning. While I have tried not to do a lot of cleaning for my friend, I finally broke down and cleaned her bathroom this week. Awful because her cleaning person does not know how to clean a bathroom. Admittedly, I am a bit OCD when it comes to a clean bathroom, a result of my own health issues. But the fact is, everyone wants a clean bathroom, right? Caregiving at least for me, is an ongoing struggle because my friend has always been stubborn and controlling, and these two characteristics have only worsened with dementia. My sister's 73 year old husband has advanced dementia, and she told me this week that he said to her: "There is nothing wrong with me, it is all in your head." LOL. All of us need a free day off.

My 89 year old mom is resistant to showers, hair washing, hand washing…she is also incontinent. She usually lets me or her caregiver change her into dry depends but sometimes says no…I just let it go until she says yes. Toileting is an issue…when she has a BM she will usually let me wipe her with moist adult wash clothes and if it is really bad she will let me shower her…waist down. If I’m lucky she will take a full shower. I start by letting her feel the water and start on her legs…we have a built in seat in the shower and grab bars. I do what she will allow. It’s been months since she brushed her teeth. All of this is the result of her illness. She was diagnosed seven years ago. It is a journey no one wants to take. Courage, compassion, caring and love is my mantra.

in reply to @providence1960 I am sorry for your dilemma. Luckily I do not think my friend shares your mother's problem, but could be close to doing so.
I had lunch on Friday with her and her best friend who turned 85. Her friend has become my "rock" as she has known "Joyce" since they were in high school. The lunch went well, but afterwards getting to the car was tasking at best, as Joyce can hardly walk, refusing to use her walker and things of that nature. She has been controlling and stubborn all of her life. I told her friend that if I do not get a break from Joyce soon, I am liable to go nuts. She is aware that I have caregiver burnout and has asked me to find someone to take my place while I go visit my sister, and she will pay this person $100 for the duration of my week's respite. I have found someone, a neighbor we are mutually acquainted with and both like very much. Now the problem/task is getting Joyce to agree to allow this person into her apartment, as she does not like strangers into her apartment, which I found out this week from talking to my doctor, is another indication that her dementia has progressed. This, along with watching the television without sound is another part of the diagnosis. Having said this, I have my work cut out for me. What amazes me at times is that Joyce can recite Shakespeare, talk about philosophy, yet cannot remember what happened just 5 minutes ago. Every night before I leave, I write in a notebook what the next day is, tell her to turn on the coffee, take her meds, and call me. Do you think she does this? No. One time she did not answer the phone when I called in the morning, and I went over to her apartment and literally broke down the door because she had one of those stupid chain things on the door frame. Not anymore. The other day I must have called a dozen times and the line was constantly busy. Naturally I was concerned and began getting ready to go over there, expecting the worse, but called her cell phone which she answered. Her other phone was "off the hook" just as she was. LOL

Frances007….Alz’s is such a cruel disease. I understand your frustration and burnout. When we are out, my mom asks who “those people” are when she sees them on the street. I just say they are friendly people out enjoying the day and that satisfies her most of the time. When we return home she looks around and asks if anyone else is home. I assure her it’s just us. When she watches TV she asks who “those people” are and I assure her they are not in the house but only on TV. It does sound like “Joyce” is progressing in her dementia. Before my mom became non-verbal she could discuss anything in the past and music brought her back for a time. You do need a respite…I have caregiving three days a week for seven hours a day…those 21 hours are precious to me because I have a chance to be “me.” I admire your courage in taking on the role of caregiver for your friend. I know it is trite to say this, and you have probably heard this often, but to function as a caregiver you have to care for yourself. It is true. Take your respite week..you deserve it.

Best wishes to you, cheers and a hug.