Supporting a depressed spouse.

I’m going to go way out on a limb here. I suffer from extraordinary bipolar depression and have been heavily medicated my whole life.

I was married for twenty years with four children. My wife and children were my salvation.

The medication started to have terrible side effects that could not be resolved. The intimacy between my wife and I was challenged. We were very connected so it was no surprise when I began to sense her drifting away. Now comes the big mistake.

Not wanting to lose her I stopped all of my meds (I was taking a lot) and lost my mind.

When she told me (on our Anniversary) that she had been unfaithful I lost what little control I had and slapped her!

My marriage ended at that moment. It was too late.

She had never known me full blown sick and it drove her away. She had every right to leave me.

I wish she had left when I stopped my meds. I lost every one I love, she was the light of my life and my children gifts from God!

These disorder are no joke. If someone who knows they are sick stops their treatment it is over, cancer or depression it doesn’t matter.

I would give up the rest of my days to have that decision to stop my medication back.

Loving anyone is hard. Loving someone who is sick just a little harder.

Whatever one does accepting the unacceptable seldom works.

Thank you very, very much for that detail and backstory. That helps me in trying to understand what you may be dealing with a little more clearly.
If your husband has been on medication before and is not, now, that in itself can be difficult both cognitively and emotionally. I have heard and read about depression and cognitive difficulties setting in after discontinuation of antidepressants.
I understand what you've said about the anger and even rages. Sounds like some stories in my family history, but 50 or even 30 years ago no one (at least no one in my family) was calling it depression. Now it is recognized that irritability and anger can be symptoms of depression.

I'll disclose here that a lot of mental health problems, both diagnosed and not, crowd my biological family tree-- both sides! I recognize that I've inherited a lot of tendencies to be easily 'unbalanced' but like your husband I have a distrust of the prescription drugs.
My approach is to be meticulous about my diet and supplements and other habits, on the theory that I need more of some things than other people. I have read that many of the nutrients we take in are necessary not only for physical health but also to make neurotransmitters.
There are a few things that I find absolutely essential for me to keep on a rather 'even keel'. This is not what will work for everyone, but through research and experience, I believe that these things help me. I am very much of the 'eat to live' philosophy. If I ate like most people I know, I would be a basket case in short order. (I also need to avoid stress. If I were a single parent, for example, or responsible for anyone else at all . . . that would be a disaster . . .luckily, I'm not.)
I don't know how your husband feels about taking a nutritional approach. If he is interested in hearing about it, this is what I do:
B complex capsule, not the whole thing, just open and tap out a small portion
biotin capsule, ditto, since the b complex has very little biotin in it
vitamin D, not every day, more often in winter months
magnesium capsule, dose out small portions throughout the day
soy lecithin granules, about 1 tsp, sprinkled on food (like oatmeal)
DHA supplement (I get one made from algae)
vitamin C capsule, small portions as above, may once/twice/day, with food
1/4 of a zinc pill at night
Is this a lot? Probably. Most people wouldn't stick with it. I have found I don't have a lot of choice, if I want to stay somewhat sane. But it doesn't really take any more time than putting on makeup.

I make it a priority to get the minimum 3 servings of veg and 2 of fruit per day. It helps that I really enjoy them, and that I'm fortunate enough to be able to aquire them!

I also track my diet, not every single day, but when I can, i try to log what I ate into either cronometer or into the 'recipe nutrition calculator' on myfooddata.com and check what I'm falling short on.

I try to move daily, even if it's just sweeping the kitchen or walking down the street and back. I'm currently trying to sit less. Easier said than done, in today's world!
This may seem like a weak band-aid given what you are dealing with. When I added some of the things above, it took well over a year to begin to feel the results. But I believe that I am less irritable now than I was at my worst. And like I said, what works for me may not work for your husband or anyone else.

You are so strong and so patient to have been dealing with this on your own for so long. I know how hard it is to want to help someone and feel like you are being shut out. That anger is hard to take, even when you know, logically, that it is not your fault!

I think it is extremely generous of you to want to help your husband, but it almost sounds like he is implying that his mental health is your responsibility. In my opinion, making yourself responsible for another person's mental state is a recipe for endangering your own health.

If he will not go to counseling, either with you or on his own, it may be helpful to you to see someone anyway, by yourself, since this situation you are in is more than anyone should be expected to deal with alone.

It seems like you have been partly asking if this is your fault. It definitely is NOT! From my point of view there are two things going on here: For one, your husband appears to be prone to unhealthy mental states. That is not your fault! For another, he seems to believe that it is okay to blame someone else for his dysphoria/frustration, etc. That is Not okay, and it is also Not your fault.

He may be going through a difficult time now, possibly as a result of stopping whatever prescriptions he had. I recently read the link below, by someone who says she experienced what she calls a 'nervous breakdown'-- which she seems to define as an inability to deal with reality or connect with reality.
https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/03/25/what-are-the-signs-and-symptoms-of-a-nervous-breakdown/
If your husband is going through something like that, it would be an unpleasant thing for him and anyone close to him, but it is definitely not your responsibility to 'fix' it. As I see it, the only thing any spouse could possibly do in that kind of situation is to recognize that things are rough for the other person, but ultimately any resolution depends on him, and will take quite a while in any case.
I'm not a psychiatrist, and I don't think either you or me should expect ourselves to provide the help a professional could offer.

@ktawater - Yes, please, please, please get to a counselor/therapist, on your own, protecting yourself by keeping it between you and a/the counselor/therapist/pastor, for your own safety.

This is the advice given in many syndicated advice columns: please take care of yourself and confidentially contact a Domestic Abuse HelpLine to find out how you can find a safe haven. Then you will be able to gather the confidence and support to know you are worth the care, and will find a safe space to get through this and healthfully survive this relationship.

Emotional abuse is insidious and takes a support system to survive, and eventually thrive.

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Please let us know how you are doing. Your safety is key, and then the recognition and your healthy recovery can follow.
Many hugs.

I'm so sorry it worked out like that for you! You're right! It is hard. I don't understand his thought process and the decision to stop the meds. We've been through many struggles over our 28 years married. And we haven't gotten to this place overnight. Intimacy is definitely a challenge but for the most part we made it work. Up until several years ago when it stopped feeling 'natural' and more awkward. There's just so much that has played a part in getting us to where we are now.

This is very helpful, and something I think he might be open to. I'm going to do some research and talk to a nurse practitioner friend who knows him and see what she might recommend.

In my experience nothing stays the same, good or bad. My action or inaction affects the future.

I was the one with mental illness but I was also the head of the family and when I changed things my wife supported me.

I made a series of rapid decisions that changed my families lives. Some of which she did not agree with.

I loved her and our children more than life itself, had she said no to any one of them things would have been different. The last one, to stop my meds should have been a line neither of us crossed.

I am not blaming her, those were the dynamics of our marriage. How I wish she had told me “you stop your meds I’m leaving” or at least forced me to call my doctor.

It’s funny that 20 years earlier I quite smoking and became a nightmare to live with. Within three days she told me to see my doctor or she was leaving. I saw him that day and got a prescription for 20mg of Zoloft.

The difference was the 20 years of marriage and all the dynamics that had developed.

Perhaps ask yourself what you would tell your best friend and then be a best friend to yourself.

Things you can not even imagine, good and bad can and do happen. Doing nothing is also a decision.

I wish you all the best!

Well said

My husband doesn't think I'm here for him or support him at all. And honestly, over the coarse of our marriage, I'm sure I haven't always done a good job. It's hard! Like you said, exhausting! I can tell him all day everyday that I'm here for him but he doesn't believe me. What ways other than verbally do you let him know?