Supporting a depressed spouse.

I’m so sorry you are going through this! I have a depressed husband and son and it’s been the worst thing in ever gone through. My husband’s was triggered by my son’s issues. We are still trying to get on top of it, but after 1.5 years, many tears and lots of different meds and doc appointments, things are somewhat improving. The hardest part is feeling you can’t get away from the dread in your house because no one is happy and you can’t get out because you don’t want to leave them alone. It’s so exhausting. I am thankful my husband was willing to get help. I would encourage (if you haven’t already) your husband to go to a therapist and find a psychiatrist to get meds. It’s a long process, but in the end could be the solution. I also let him know I’m here for him but don’t push him to talk about it because he’s not a talker. I’m praying for you and if I can help in answering any questions please let me know.

Well, I don't know. I have a tendency to depression but I'm so used to it that I wouldn't know what to tell someone who wanted to 'help'. Have you asked him what you can do? I'm trying to understand what you mean by "Nothing I do seems to be right". . .
Is your spouse receiving any treatment like counselling or medication?

My husband did this for me:
He "suggested" that we go for ice cream. Yum, so I agreed. While we were out, we drove to a park to eat our ice cream. We almost stopped at the store that we passed, but we both decided not to do that, for some reason I forget.

As we were driving home, I realized that he had tricked me into getting up and moving. He didn't really want ice cream. He just wanted to help me get out of my funk. We both had a chuckle.

Thing is, he thought of 1. something I might like to do. 2. He made it easy for me to say yes -- For example, when I said something about having to get dressed, he said I could stay in the car. He removed the stupid obstacles that I put up. 3. Then, by driving to the park, he added another level of activity/new place.

I don't know if this would work for clinical, serious depression, but it did work for me when I was really in a serious funk about a serious issue.

When somebody (my mom, husband, child) is sick and needs some care, that usually gets me out of the blues. I guess it taps into a basic role or a duty or something that I just can NOT ignore. My conscience won't let me stay inside myself. Can you think of some quality like that in your husband that you could tap into? [I can't think of something like that in my husband off the top of my head ! ]

Is your husband a protector? Maybe try "Oh, honey, there's a great big bug! Please come kill it for me."
Is your husband a fixer? Maybe try "Oh, honey, I tried to fix the faucet but I can't turn the wrench. Can you come turn it for me (start with small requests)? " Then, oh, what should I do next? Can you lift the X ?" Wow, these examples sound like the 1950s! But I'm pretty sure that they would work on my husband.

For me, I guess it's just a matter of getting started, on something small that seems manageable, on something that I like or something that I feel compelled to do. Once I get one small thing done, I get feeling more connected to real life, and moving and doing tasks seem more manageable and worthwhile. I think the physical moving and getting more oxygen and fresh air help all by themselves.

These might be really stupid ideas, but I was so moved by your request that I wanted to offer something. I hope something like these ideas helps you guys.
It's wonderful that you want to help your husband. Good luck to you both

I’m so sorry you are going through this! I have a depressed husband and son and it’s been the worst thing in ever gone through. My husband’s was triggered by my son’s issues. We are still trying to get on top of it, but after 1.5 years, many tears and lots of different meds and doc appointments, things are somewhat improving. The hardest part is feeling you can’t get away from the dread in your house because no one is happy and you can’t get out because you don’t want to leave them alone. It’s so exhausting. I am thankful my husband was willing to get help. I would encourage (if you haven’t already) your husband to go to a therapist and find a psychiatrist to get meds. It’s a long process, but in the end could be the solution. I also let him know I’m here for him but don’t push him to talk about it because he’s not a talker. I’m praying for you and if I can help in answering any questions please let me know.

@ktawater Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I'm happy to see what others have posted here to you. While I am not in the same shoes as you, I do deal with depression myself.

Is your husband doing any therapy? Taking any medications? Sometimes it is difficult to see any assistance from those closest to us. Being available to be a listening ear, not changing the subject so he feels comfortable being vulnerable with you, might help. Has he verbalized what being a help to him will entail, so you know what to do [given that there could be changes at any time!]. I imagine it is difficult to know when to ask him how you can "be there".

I look forward to hearing from you, and listening to your journey of progress in this.
Ginger

I have been sick most of my life with suicide pretty much always on my mind, I’m actually a bit better right now,

Here’s what worked for me and what doesn’t. As a kid I used to spend a lot of time walking in the woods alone! This can be tough on parents and spouses but it kept me from saying things that were hurtful.

Loved ones tend to be worried leaving a depressed person alone for fear of suicide. Imagine what it feels like to know you’re hurting people, sometimes one is better off alone.

Not everyone will agree with this, but if I am going kill myself no one is going to stop me; except someone who needs me!

My wife used to leave our four children with me or send at least one along. I never even considered suicide when I was taking care of them.

I retired very early, 46 and became the stay at home dad. My children and now ex-wife saved my life.

The past ten years have been horrible, I’m now 60 and living with my mother. I do not see my children but knowing that they might need me still often keeps me alive,

And lastly for me I do not like being babysat no matter how bad off I am. Criticism is not helpful but normal expectations are.

Lastly a warning; the sick me and the well me are two different people. Depressed all I want is to be left alone.

When I am well I am incredibly competent, I’ve built and sold four companies in between depressions. The switching can be very hard regardless of which me my loved ones are used to,

I want to be clear that I am not referring to normal grief and sadness, those are normal emotions.

Depression is irrational and can and often is present when things are good,

See a good therapist, my wife and I would go together, it helps.

All my best wishes to those who suffer from mental illness and to anyone caring for a loved one who is sick. If I could hug you I would!

These are really good ideas, and thank you for sharing them.

They would work with me, and especially if both of us at some point understood we were fighting this thing together, and that - in the sense of the "subterfuge" effort - that we eventually smiled and agreed we were both in 'on the joke', if you know what I mean...just like you described it.

Having your partner / friend / counselor 'in on it' with you can make ALL the difference - at least it would to me.

Hugs.

Hey there, Brandysparks!

I'm so glad you like the ice cream idea. 🙂

Being "in" on the joke was just the "sprinkles" on top for me; I would have benefited from the outing even if I never realized my husband only did it for my benefit.

But, I can see how someone might get put off by the trick aspect. I was just grateful for the help.

And I agree that It IS much nicer to have a partner in on the fight! I like that my husband kept up the fight with the ice cream idea when I couldn't do a thing for myself.
I think that was why I wasn't annoyed that he "tricked" me. I guess it wasn't a trick, after all. It was help. (Funny, writing this out has helped clarified my feelings and thoughts!)

Hugs back at cha!

Thank you for sharing your experience! I would love to talk more.