Supporting a depressed spouse.

Well, I don't know. I have a tendency to depression but I'm so used to it that I wouldn't know what to tell someone who wanted to 'help'. Have you asked him what you can do? I'm trying to understand what you mean by "Nothing I do seems to be right". . .
Is your spouse receiving any treatment like counselling or medication?

My husband did this for me:
He "suggested" that we go for ice cream. Yum, so I agreed. While we were out, we drove to a park to eat our ice cream. We almost stopped at the store that we passed, but we both decided not to do that, for some reason I forget.

As we were driving home, I realized that he had tricked me into getting up and moving. He didn't really want ice cream. He just wanted to help me get out of my funk. We both had a chuckle.

Thing is, he thought of 1. something I might like to do. 2. He made it easy for me to say yes -- For example, when I said something about having to get dressed, he said I could stay in the car. He removed the stupid obstacles that I put up. 3. Then, by driving to the park, he added another level of activity/new place.

I don't know if this would work for clinical, serious depression, but it did work for me when I was really in a serious funk about a serious issue.

When somebody (my mom, husband, child) is sick and needs some care, that usually gets me out of the blues. I guess it taps into a basic role or a duty or something that I just can NOT ignore. My conscience won't let me stay inside myself. Can you think of some quality like that in your husband that you could tap into? [I can't think of something like that in my husband off the top of my head ! ]

Is your husband a protector? Maybe try "Oh, honey, there's a great big bug! Please come kill it for me."
Is your husband a fixer? Maybe try "Oh, honey, I tried to fix the faucet but I can't turn the wrench. Can you come turn it for me (start with small requests)? " Then, oh, what should I do next? Can you lift the X ?" Wow, these examples sound like the 1950s! But I'm pretty sure that they would work on my husband.

For me, I guess it's just a matter of getting started, on something small that seems manageable, on something that I like or something that I feel compelled to do. Once I get one small thing done, I get feeling more connected to real life, and moving and doing tasks seem more manageable and worthwhile. I think the physical moving and getting more oxygen and fresh air help all by themselves.

These might be really stupid ideas, but I was so moved by your request that I wanted to offer something. I hope something like these ideas helps you guys.
It's wonderful that you want to help your husband. Good luck to you both

I like your ice cream! I need to come up with ideas too. I think as we get older (husband) or handicapped (me) it’s a little normal to be “sad” to be sitting out of things we know we used to enjoy and was a big part of our active life, but just can no longer do. We no longer work so don’t have the accomplishments and contributions we used to have. We made a drastic move to an active 55+ Community in recent months. I realize not everyone can move, and it was very difficult. But we’re now near similar people, have a lot of activities to choose from, physical or mental (or both). We have people to play with instead of living in communities where most neighbors worked 9-5 and were ready to socialize when we were ready for bed. My husband learned Pickleball. I learned Canasta. We both joined the Social Committee and help with events: I do administrative things and banking, he blows up beach balls, hangs decorations, and helps grill hotdogs. We putter around in our golf cart and take it 4 miles away to a lunch spot or grocery shopping. Anything to keep moving when we’re able.
But you’ve come up with a good idea for rainy days and “down” time. We used to love to go out for frozen yogurt and haven’t done that in 20 years! We have occasionally gone to the movies when something good comes out (he liked Elvis) I think the pandemic isolation really kicked a lot of us down, so we’re working on trying to get up again!

I’m so sorry you are going through this! I have a depressed husband and son and it’s been the worst thing in ever gone through. My husband’s was triggered by my son’s issues. We are still trying to get on top of it, but after 1.5 years, many tears and lots of different meds and doc appointments, things are somewhat improving. The hardest part is feeling you can’t get away from the dread in your house because no one is happy and you can’t get out because you don’t want to leave them alone. It’s so exhausting. I am thankful my husband was willing to get help. I would encourage (if you haven’t already) your husband to go to a therapist and find a psychiatrist to get meds. It’s a long process, but in the end could be the solution. I also let him know I’m here for him but don’t push him to talk about it because he’s not a talker. I’m praying for you and if I can help in answering any questions please let me know.

@ktawater Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I'm happy to see what others have posted here to you. While I am not in the same shoes as you, I do deal with depression myself.

Is your husband doing any therapy? Taking any medications? Sometimes it is difficult to see any assistance from those closest to us. Being available to be a listening ear, not changing the subject so he feels comfortable being vulnerable with you, might help. Has he verbalized what being a help to him will entail, so you know what to do [given that there could be changes at any time!]. I imagine it is difficult to know when to ask him how you can "be there".

I look forward to hearing from you, and listening to your journey of progress in this.
Ginger

My husband has been depressed for decades. He's 76 and a Viet Nam vet. He has PTSD. He's been diagnosed as bipolar. He's tried every med known to science. Nothing works for long. So, I get you. It's frustrating and it seems never-ending. Maybe I'm the cause of it. He hasn't worked for 10 or 15 years. I work only two days a week now that I'm getting social security. I love the people I work with and it helps get me out of this sad house. My husband is also losing his memory now. Things have gotten worse. Things are bad at the moment.

I was reading an article on mental health issues in the largest Canadian newspaper and it states what "Dr. Thomas Insel, a psychiatrist, led the U.S. National Institute for Mental Health (NIMH), the largest funder of mental-health research in the world, for 13 years. He’s advised American presidents and overseen US$20-billion of funding" had to say about fixing the mental health problem by focusing on three things: people,place and purpose." IOW, social connection, place to live and eat wholesome food, and having a purpose in life that will guide you Before going to work What you wish to accomplish the next day.

As someone who is in his 8th decade, I rarely have to depend on health professionals, with no tests, meds and with healthy lifestyle still able to carry groceries weighing 20 lbs for ten minutes. We want to feel we matter...and that means how we spend our time must convince us that it wasn't just whiling away but added value to you AND humanity around.

I wish you good luck in your search for a solution.

Your response is interesting. I don't take any meds either, other than OTC painkillers. It makes me wonder if all the meds my husband has been prescribed may be contributing to his poor health.

I have been sick most of my life with suicide pretty much always on my mind, I’m actually a bit better right now,

Here’s what worked for me and what doesn’t. As a kid I used to spend a lot of time walking in the woods alone! This can be tough on parents and spouses but it kept me from saying things that were hurtful.

Loved ones tend to be worried leaving a depressed person alone for fear of suicide. Imagine what it feels like to know you’re hurting people, sometimes one is better off alone.

Not everyone will agree with this, but if I am going kill myself no one is going to stop me; except someone who needs me!

My wife used to leave our four children with me or send at least one along. I never even considered suicide when I was taking care of them.

I retired very early, 46 and became the stay at home dad. My children and now ex-wife saved my life.

The past ten years have been horrible, I’m now 60 and living with my mother. I do not see my children but knowing that they might need me still often keeps me alive,

And lastly for me I do not like being babysat no matter how bad off I am. Criticism is not helpful but normal expectations are.

Lastly a warning; the sick me and the well me are two different people. Depressed all I want is to be left alone.

When I am well I am incredibly competent, I’ve built and sold four companies in between depressions. The switching can be very hard regardless of which me my loved ones are used to,

I want to be clear that I am not referring to normal grief and sadness, those are normal emotions.

Depression is irrational and can and often is present when things are good,

See a good therapist, my wife and I would go together, it helps.

All my best wishes to those who suffer from mental illness and to anyone caring for a loved one who is sick. If I could hug you I would!

These are really good ideas, and thank you for sharing them.

They would work with me, and especially if both of us at some point understood we were fighting this thing together, and that - in the sense of the "subterfuge" effort - that we eventually smiled and agreed we were both in 'on the joke', if you know what I mean...just like you described it.

Having your partner / friend / counselor 'in on it' with you can make ALL the difference - at least it would to me.

Hugs.