How do u handle being a caregiver for your spouse (cancer)….

@amyjmclean Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! You’ve come to the right place! Members of this group will have great suggestions for you. There are a couple of things you want to know from his doctors; mainly, did they remove all the cancer, and what further treatment will there be. Then you can make a plan and get family involved.
I’m sure your husband has a follow-up with his surgeon and will then get a referral to an oncologist. At this point, your role will be to accompany him to doctors appointments to ask questions and to write down what the doctor says (start a journal).
Yes, you’ve been given a big load to carry and frequently, you’ll wonder how you’ll do it all. Think of good friends and church groups, who might help you.
So let’s let some experienced members tell you how they’ve cared for someone!

Good morning @amyjmclean. "I feel your pain." I really do. For about a year or so, I cared for my husband and watched as he grew weaker and more forgetful. Meanwhile, I had been through radiation for lung cancer and I didn't respond well and was put on oxygen. And I also was delaying a procedure for revascularization of an old stent. And, one day I broke my back. I had a compression fracture and still have some of it. How did I do it?

My priority was taking care of my husband of 45 years I just did it, through pain, lack of sleep, and
turning to Connect and my friends. When there was a doctor's appointment we went. I there was one for me, I got someone to watch Dave and I went. I ordered food delivery. And I asked for help.
Relying on others was very difficult for me and so was asking for help.

I can see that you care a lot. Being overburdened, unfortunately, is the name of the game. But, you get through it. Please, don't hesitate to reach out for help: any that you can get. My friend Becky has given you great ideas. Look to his doctor for guidance. My husband's doctor was wonderful. He called me to make sure that I was reaching out to others for help. And I found out that this was more important than I thought. And the reason for this is that if you get ill then you will be in even more of a bind.

Also, don't do anything that you don't have to. If you can, hire someone to come in a clean. I cooked dinners before lunchtime because, by the end of the day, I was way too tired to cook or even think about what to make.

I'm a great list maker and 9 out of 10 times I'll lose the list. But some of it will stick with me so I'll do those things. Yes, I made mistakes. And yes I felt badly for making them. My husband wouldn't remember them within 5 minutes so I counted on that to stop chastising myself. Your situation is different and you will find your way, and even though there will be mistakes, your way will be the best.

Please feel free to continue asking questions. I love to rant and rave and this is the best place for that. Are you good at it?

I started my own support group outside of my family. I knew family would be struggling with my husband’s diagnosis so I chose some friends that were not as close to him. People I could cry to, complain to; people that would listen. Talking helps.

My wife has moderate Alzheimer's Disease. I employ a daily care giver (M-F) for six hours per day. I enjoy being with my wife full days over the weekend. The use of a care giver allows me to leave the home and be with other people, to exercise, to carry out hobbies, etc. I don't go away for the full six hours most of the time but I have a sense of freedom that care giving does not allow. Leaving and doing refreshes me and "re-energizes" me to be an effective care giver. I meet with various men and have coffee or lunch or give them care with their struggles. I return to my wife with a positive attitude and uplifted emotions, because care giving can be consuming.
Peace be with you.

WOW, @mmmac. Good for you!

Thank you all for your responses! I really do appreciate it.
I have an appointment on Wednesday and had to wear a device for my heart (I was super lucky that I got the device put on while my husband was in the hospital).
I do find it difficult to share my feelings about anything, because I feel so selfish and ashamed for having some of my feelings…
Right now I am just exhausted and overwhelmed, like I know so many here are feeling.
I am trying to take care of myself - but it is a bit harder with my husband being home…don’t get me wrong, I am so happy that Brian is home…
But it is a lot… shots to give for the next 26 days, medication rotation, cooking, helping him shower, taking him for walks (which I need help doing- physically) I try to get some stuff done while he is sleeping…. But not as much as I want.
I started journaling today… I thought it would be a healthy way to get out my emotions and not have to put my stuff on someone else…. I think that is what is so hard for me, that I feel like I am being burden to others.
I know life is not easy for anyone….and I feel bad if I had to it… even now I am feeling horrible about adding my comment now.
To all of you - sending hugs (I’m a hug type of person) and u all will be in my prayers….
Right now trying to go with the motto: Faith< r

Hi Amy, I am so moved by this. I’ve been in your shoes now for almost 2 yrs.. found myself using the shower for my emotional release, ashamed to breakdown or complain to anyone. A year after surgery , things are better, feeding tube finally out but life seems to be on pause for me..after months of falling apart (silently) I finally realized I had to acknowledge all I had to be grateful for. There is no simple answer to what you’re going through. I personally found my strength through prayer and late night journaling.This issue is likely the hardest thing you’ll face. It’s ok to breakdown. Cry in the shower. Write the moments of madness down.. There will be moments you will realize “you can do this” it does get better.
❤️

Amy, if you’ve got insurance there might be assistance from that route to give you some respite when needed. You’re doing the job of a 24/7 nurse, cook and cleanup patrol and journaling is a good outlet. If you need someone to talk to seek out a counselor or mental health professional virtually. No need to travel anymore for mental health care. I hope it all works out for your and your husband.