Placing relative in nursing home: opinions? advice?

You have written such a heartfelt description of what so many of us feel. Yes, nursing homes are understaffed. I worked in several alongside competent caring staff who did incredibly difficult work with less than optimal resources. But given the options, nursing homes may be a good choice for many. If your Mom says she has reached the point where she can no longer do this I would believe her. You are not abandoning him, just giving care in a different way. And if she starts to feel better she can assist with his cares there . It doesn't sound like the current situation is working for any of you.
This must have been a difficult post for you to write. You sound very aware the concerns of all involved.

I’m exactly with you on your thoughts.

The government needs to provide us with help to keep them in the home and to also help with the caregiver burden.

Way too much dementia and I don’t see it stopping.

That's such a difficult set of circumstances and, unfortunately, an all too common situation in our country. My heart goes out to you and your family members. In my experience (with my mother and later, with my sister), there are no ideal solutions but it's not entirely hopeless either. Since our family does not have Warren Buffett wealth which would allow for competent around-the-clock in-home care, the best option for us was a nursing home. If you choose to go this route, the online U.S. News & World Report is an excellent source of information. It provides helpful suggestions in choosing a home near you and it ranks each home according to important criteria. Over the years, we used several nursing homes--- some better than others. We discovered that by having a family member or close friend visit daily - or even a few times a day - things ran better. By daily visits, one can learn if your loved one is being over-medicated, or if the room is uncomfortable (we walked in on one occasion to discover the a/c malfunctioning, the room was stifling hot and on another occasion, the bed was full of remnants from an earlier snack, etc. ), or other such issues. We varied our visiting times so that we could observe morning, afternoon and nightly routines. We befriended as many staff members as possible which actually did help in the quality of care given to my mother and sister. Also, when we discovered major issues, we immediately contacted the nursing home administrator. In most cases, the admins were helpful in solving problems. Understanding the staffing shortages at most of these facilities, we were careful not to come across as combative, but we let them know we are aware of the goings on and will not hesitate to complain to the regulators in our state if any of our major concerns were not addressed. Also importantly, in some states, it is legal to install your own cameras in the room. In Ohio where my family is, this just recently became a legal option thanks to just one man who was unhappy with his mother's care and took it upon himself to get something done about it. If this is allowed where you are, I would recommend it. I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.

If it improves your mother's quality of life, I think you should place your father in a memory care facility. Is it legally your mother's decision? Does she have power of attorney? I can empathize with you because I just placed my wife in such a facility because she was reducing my quality of life as well as her own. She was able to be by herself but became very anxious when I left her for any length of time that there were many preconditions to my going out, and I gained 40 pounds and became incredibly stressed not feeling like I could pursue my own interests. That being said, it gets pretty quiet around the house now, and I enjoy visiting her, but she wants me to stay longer than I want to. Her facility is very nice, except for the food, which she doesn't seem to mind. The staff are very friendly and the rooms are clean and comfortable. I've never heard a staff member behave in an abusive manner toward a patient: they are in fact, friendlier than I could be. Maybe you can shop around and find a nice place. Word of mouth is often a good way to do this: I have two friends whose spouses are at the same facility and they are happy with it.

Place in an appropriate facility that has the required expertise and emotional regulation to provide your father the care he requires. My 4 siblings and I had to place our mother there few years ago. She is much like your father in tempermant, advanced dementia, alzheimers too. The psychiatrist told us she would destroy our families if we tried to keep her in a home., and he told us we would become impatient and angry with her destruction of property and screaming at night, basic care..etc.. My sister did not listen, and her husband and kids grew very angry and weary. She finally drove to my state and dumped my mother on me and I was angry, because I had always had a bad relationship with my mother who was abusive. Anyway she is now in a dementia care facility near my home, it's very expensive, but the staff is caring, AND trained AND they do not get angry with her tantrums because they are not emotionally connected to her past as their mother. Do it now for face serious sad consequences.

Agree with the consensus opinions above. Best solution might be to place dad in a home.

BUT... if you wanna give dad another try, then inform his GP of his continued aggressiveness despite the previous meds tried, and request a different med be ordered. There are many available, and usually at least one of them often works.

Please understand that a sustained calming effect will take several weeks to be achieved. We can't load up on the doses more quickly because they all can have serious negative side effects. It's much safer to go slow, but it may take more time to reach a therapeutic level.

Wish you the best. We all recognize the difficulties in dealing with the varied situations we've been given.

/LarryG

I am going to be very direct in my answer. I am a speech/language pathologist that worked in nursing homes and did home visits for patients for over 20 years. In all that time and working with nursing staff, dietary, social workers, aides I only saw less than a handful of employees that were abrupt or rough with residents.
It sounds like you are making this decision based on your needs and emotions, not the full time caregivers. When people promise they will never put their loved one into a nursing home, that is a promise when the person is not confused, comparative, aggressive, delusional, argumentative. The person you have now is no longer that person. You are expecting someone else to be the full time caregiver in their home, with “help” from you. Spend a month 24/7 with your father and see what it really involves. And also know it will never get better, only worse.
Most people I dealt with that had dementia were not happy. When they were home they wanted to walk out. When anywhere else they wanted to go home. I think they are looking for a place they will feel whole again, but they are brain damaged and never will be whole.
My father had vascular dementia and when he was in an apartment he would go out and walk the streets in the middle of the night no matter the weather or safety. When in the nursing home he would get his wander guard off and elope at 2 am in a city. He was 90-93. Finally he ended up in a nursing home on the second floor with mentally ill residents. He could not escape and he was furious for 3 years.
Your father that you knew is not there. But your mother is and she needs your support now. She needs to feel safe and to have some peace.
I hope you are not offended by my post-none of it is easy. People you hire to caregiver at home can also turn out to be abusive or mean.

Greetings, 1k194, & all:

I am touched by your description of your situation. Also, by the wonderful replies you have received thus far. I hesitate to add to such loving bounty by adding one more. However, what the heck! There are plenty of us out here willing to add another perspective on the off chance that perhaps our personal experience may help you come to a decision that you will feel good about.

After a couple years of increasing confusion, my mother "B" (87 this month) was diagnosed with probable Alzheimer's in January of this year. After the diagnosis, S wanted to keep Mom at home. I was able to engage in-home care for a couple months toward the end of which we had to have around the clock care for nearly a week—just so S could try to sleep without being harassed by B. Home care, with my Mom's mental function rapidly worsening, wasn't as effective as I hoped it would be. The strain on S quickly became evident.

Then came our "Big Heads-Up”. Thankfully, we got away with it.

B slipped in her (locked--oh no) bathroom, getting mildly injured. Around the same time, S became practically dysfunctional from sleep deprivation & stress. He couldn't possibly keep up with safety measures like no lock-able bathroom doors. My overriding, self-imposed mandate immediately, clearly became to avoid catastrophe(s) that would land one or the other or both of my elders in the hospital. After B’s fall, skeptical or not, I felt I had no choice but to find a care home.

I cannot stress this point enough: We don't always luck out & get a "Big Heads-Up” that is not a more serious situation. Time, RIGHT NOW, for action.

To find an appropriate place I concentrated on what sort of home Mom could be most comfortable in, (knowing full well she would likely be incredibly angry about a move to anywhere.) I did lots of research online & made lots of phone calls. I narrowed down the list & began visiting the most promising places.

In less than a week I found an 8-resident home in a neighborhood just like where B & S live, only a mile away! It is managed by an RN & staffed 24 hours/day by two experienced, qualified & loving care givers. In four days, Mom’s room was spruced up with some familiar items & one of her favorite paintings done by a long-time friend, & she moved into her new place.

S can easily visit his wife daily. With regular sleep he is beginning to return to someone like his old self. Considering the magnitude of all the changes & his deep mourning for the loss of the person who was once his sparkling, vivacious spouse, he’s doing amazingly well.

My Mom is truly no longer who she was. She is only going to face more challenges that we as a family are not equipped to handle.

Now her husband & the rest of our family can rest a little easier knowing that she is SAFE.