Cancer Ghosting - Losing Friends

Sorry to hear that. Real friends don’t abandon each other. Maybe you can find a local support group for cancer patients and meet some nice people.

It’s unfortunate this happened. This Connect site is very helpful and supportive. I have a couple of siblings who have cancer ghosted me. I think they don’t know how to deal with serious illness. Keep up on the road to go health and find your true friends! They are out there!

Hello @chateau and welcome to Connect. This is a good online support and information group and I hope it is helpful to you. I agree that true friends don't abandon a friend when the going gets tough. Some people are just so afraid of cancer and don't know how to communicate with their friends fighting the battle that they just shut down and walk away. There is no excuse for not at least continuing to connect with calls or messages though. It sounds like you have done everything right to stimulate their interest again. If you give it another try with them, I would ask if they could join you in an activity you both enjoyed before this cancer hit, and tell them straightaway that you want it to be as before, with no medical talk. That might motivate them if they know you just need some positive support without all the cancer discussion. Not as fulfilling for you, but it is company. Local support groups through your hospital or doctor's office will certainly link you with others who understand what you are going through and are eager to talk about your cancer issues. Good luck with everything and I hope your discussion here brings you some new online friends.

Oh Chateau I am so sorry you are experiencing this but I understand the feeling. I experience it within my own family. As soon as the words come out, faces go blank. Just when we need friendship and being able to talk to someone...I don't have an answer. People uncomfortable? I'm uncomfortable. When I was hospitalized for 3 weeks for burst bowel, colostomy and wound vacs placed and leukemia diagnosis made in 2015, my boss sent me an email (I was the office manager) telling me how difficult running the office was and how he lost business because of it 😳😳!!! Not one word of concern over my condition, after 5 yrs of immaculately running his office! I don't understand why people do this to people who are suffering and in need. My only thought on this subject is that they are afraid. Of what, I have no clue. But I am sorry this is happening to you. I can only say I understand the loss of friendships as I have experienced that as well. Wishing you well ❤️❤️

@chateau This is so painful. As other members wrote here there are some people who cannot figure out how to manage their own emotions when they hear the word “cancer” as a diagnosis for a friend. If I could talk with your friends (and some people I know that did the same to me) I’d ask to please tell me what is making them so uncomfortable and get it all out in the open. We don’t do that, of course, as much as we might like to.

My very close friends did not ghost me but some acquaintances and people at my workplace did. When I was away from home for 6 weeks for radiation therapy and attended meetings on Zoom some would just carry on and ask me to do things without checking in to see if I could follow up. When that happened I said out loud, “no, I can’t do that. I don’t feel well enough and I’m too far away from home right now”.

One very close friend asked if I wanted her company while I was away and when I said yes she immediately made plans to come and stay with me. It’s a very long day’s drive from where we live and I very much appreciated that.

If you feel you can do this I’d suggest what @sepdvm suggested. You could contact your friends and tell them outright that you are in a place where you would appreciate their company. Do an activity together that did before your diagnosis. You can also tell them in your message that you do not plan or wish to talk about anything medical. Maybe that will set their minds at ease. I’m feeling your emotional pain about this and thinking how alone you might feel right now.

Do you have loved ones, and family that you can turn to for support?

@chateau May I add my welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect?

It is an unfortunate turn of events, to have a cancer diagnosis. You didn't mention where you live, but the turning away of friends is universal. People are often scared to see you because they don't know how to respond to your condition. They know things are different for you now, and so how will/should they act? Sometimes they think all they will see is cancer, and cannot see you as the person you are. They are afraid of what to say, how to support. Gentle encouragement from you, letting them know you are still you, might help. As @sepdvm mentioned, suggest an activity you have done with them in the past. Offer that you could really use their support and friendship right now!

We're here for you, but I know it doesn't replace your friends. I have experienced that myself in my health journey, and I had to make the difficult decision to find new friends [not easy as an introvert, let me tell you!] and release with love, those who ghosted me.
Ginger

Thanks for all the well wishes and tips. I feel much better today. I decided to accept the situation and accept an invitation from an acquaintance who has no idea I’m unwell. I told them I had my appendix out and was feeling fragile and could we just do something like talk and have a tea. It was wonderful. I didn’t mention the cancer as I feel uncomfortable now “coming out”. I have decided that I don’t want people to know I have cancer as I don’t want to be treated differently. I will just tell people I have a mild illness when I’m feeling fragile. And I will keep socialising light hearted and brief.

I do have a wonderful partner and 2 friends from university who live in other countries now who are available by phone. So there is always someone I can be “real” with when I’ve had a bad day.

Mind blowing.

@chateau
Isn't this forum wonderful? We may be sidelined, but never alone as long as we have the forum and people who truly feel...what you feel.

I'm happy for you that you have a partner that you can count on. They say (I don't know who 'they' are either) we can count true friends on one hand if we are lucky. It is sad, but it is their discomfort...nothing you do...that keeps them from being around you.

How is that appendix? What a ruse! Such a brilliant idea. Do you Zoom? That would be a great way to talk to your friends who are out of the country. It is easy and free. When I talk to my friends in Maine (I'm in Indiana) after the 40 minutes run out, we just sign in again on the original link.

You see how many people care...so glad you are among us!!!!💞 We all need each other....sometimes to talk, rant or listen...we are here💞

I did actually have my appendix out along with the colon cancer so I wasn’t even lying 😂 . I love talking to my friends overseas I just wish I could see people in the flesh more often. It’s great you are all out there. Thanks for the support 💫

Some people don’t know what to say or do. My husband has stage 4 prostate cancer. We’ve been very lucky so far getting a lot of supportive phone calls and offers to help. If you need a new friend, I am here. Hugs!