Therapy - and dealing with the past

One thing I have said for a long time, to myself. "You can choose to have your experiences be a millstone around your neck, holding you down/back. Or, you can choose to use those same things as stepping stones to get better, and rise above the negative."

I choose the latter.
Ginger

Understand that it is the trauma you have and continue to deal with and alone you are not equipped to help yourself deal with it. Just because we come to an awakening, does not mean that the if there is another person they too will have an epiphany, or apologize or even acknowledge what happened and thus what happened with your brother. He may not be in a place emotionally where he is ready to deal with what he did or he may have just grown up but not become an adult and may still harbor emotions that prevent him from finding out why he treated you the way he did, let alone giving you the peace you need from him. To find a therapist. I have been on and off seeing a therapist for many years. Yes, trusting someone with your intimate thoughts regarding something that haunts you is difficult, but worth shopping for a therapist who will help you to deal with the trauma you faced and the residue effects of it even to this day. Good Luck. I have found one and it has taken a while but I am working through my issues with her. Finally, if I can offer anything more, be ready to work emotionally on your trauma. It is not a quick fix and you will have to face some stuff that may be difficult, but it also frees and empowers you because you are choosing to get well emotionally for yourself.

I think the role of "other people" is complex in therapy. The only real person being discussed in therapy is me. Other people are discussed insofar as they impact my life and my psyche. After all, they aren't physically there in the consulting room!

I am in therapy to try and cure MY difficulty with things, but that doesn't imply I'm approving of those things/ people. That's why the Christian concept of forgiveness helps me, because it's not about condoning other people. It's about excising them from your psyche, if possible to the point where you can say "I am so over what that person did, that I can even wish them well... especially if I can see them as rarely as possible!"

@ricm58 What your psychiatrist said and then re-stated about “what your neurosis does to you” I translate this way. You are not your neurosis (or anxiety, or depression, or ________ (fill in the blank). This isn’t your identity. You are you and you carry a big burden around with you. It’s like a backpack filled with stones. As you go through your life and find ways to manage your symptoms and live your life you toss another big stone out of the backpack. This allows you to create emotional distance: I’m taking this backpack along with me but I am not my backpack. My backpack gets lighter the more I allow myself to notice that it’s there and live my life.

Does this metaphor make sense to you?

I get it perfectly. Something for me to remember. I am a poet so the metaphor is as clear as an ocean with waves that like life ebb and flow.

@aissa2 I’ve always loved the metaphor of the waves that ebb and flow on the ocean. Emotionally it’s a better metaphor for me than the rollercoaster ride - I don’t like rollercoasters. I grew up on the West Coast and always found the ocean to be calming.

In addition to the talent you have in writing poetry, do you find that writing has an emotional effect on you also? I’m asking this as someone who doesn’t compose poetry.

I find that writing helps me immensely. Not just poetry. I journal and write excessively every day. Sometimes more than once a day. I am a fountain pen collector and find that the focus it takes to move the fountain pen across the page allows me to slow down, concentrate, and enjoy the process. I started writing when I was nine years old. A child of the 60s, living in Harlem with parents who were far from Activist and did not even explain what was going on. So my writing became my way of expressing, letting out, of having control over my words about things I did not understand. Over the years, my writing continues to be my saving grace, my lifeline, and my first line of defense against my traumas of the past. Sometimes, just to find an affirmation that makes sense, or makes me think some way differently about things going on around me. I have a pile of journals that I have stacked up and can look at instantly and often. My reminder that even at my age, there is still more to live and write about. I have a bumper sticker coming that says "On an adventure before Dementia." I am definitely trying to stay ahead if I can and writing helps me sort things out so I can try to move forward in my healing.

Thank you so much for your reply! It does make sense, definitely.

In my case I have two backpacks! OCD only diagnosed at age 50, but manageable, and the neurosis backpack. I am still at a stage that involves (forgive the pun) unpacking which feelings are due to which of these two - they affect each other.

But the metaphor still holds, because they both "don't = me".

If I go out with some nice people and have a drink, a "best possible" me shows up... sociable, empathic, good-humoured, even witty at times.

I don't think that's totally "the real me", but it makes me aware that I include that. However, in that case, presumably SOME of the stones I carry aren't in the backpack either! They are my "natural" faults, I include them too.

Unless... this "real me" we're taking about is the detached, "Zen", observing me that Eckhart Tolle, Alan Watts et al talk about?

So I guess the true challenge is understanding that as a mere human I must love me with MY "natural" faults, but I must also care for myself over the stones that "other people/ life" put in my backpacks.

It reminds me of that saying "... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

But it's an ongoing process, and I my parents brought me up as their "little boy genius", which nurtured my arrogance and alienation stones. I'm working on those!

Please excuse my ramblings. In summary, yes, I definitely agree with the backpacks analogy. And I'm still trying to figure out who/what is the "I who carry them" part of the analogy!

Not ramblings at all! Very reflective, understanding, and sifting through one's self to find the gems and accept that even what the treasures are carried in are precious in some way. They hold the gems safely until needed. I too am someone who is embracing stuff learned in middle age, but not with regret, with a sense that they are part of me but not all of me. The Serenity Prayer has saved me more than once during my lifetime. It continues to be one of my mantras "and the wisdom to know the difference" and when I do to move forward in spite of my desire to control the outcome of what is not in my control and find acceptance in myself.

Hi

I am above all a music-lover, but I'm also a musician. Music saved me, I have composed since the age of 15, and I teach music.

Believe me when I say that ANYBODY can compose. Some people have more facility than others. Almost all need encouragement. But all people can create music if:
They lose their preconception of what is music! I will add a YouTube example to support that, a piece by a famous composer, some of whose music I love.

What am I saying? If by any chance you wish to compose poetry, I believe you can. As long as first you discard all preconceptions as to what constitutes poetry.

Later it can be interesting to study about poetry/ composing/ etc. But only once your own creativity is flowing freely.

Musical example on YouTube:
Steve Reich and Wolfram Winkel - clapping music