Dealing with a spouse who has profound hearing loss.

Yes, peer support is greatly needed. I have been profoundly aware of this. I think it comes as an unexpected surprise to my husband!

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It’s very hard when a spouse can’t hear well. I learned in a class that it is better to be blind than deaf because blind people can still socialize. I wonder if it would help if you got the word out that he has a serious hearing problem. That would stop people from thinking that something else was wrong with him. Can he hear if people are close to him? If so getting that word out would also help. Hopefully his audiologist has offered all that could be helpful to him and has ideas to facilitate socializing. My best to you and your husband and I hope you can find hope and ideas here.

His audiologist has been very unhelpful. We went to a single HLAA meeting and he came out with more ideas for remediations than he's received from his audiologist in a decade. Nice man. Just fits the HAs and waves goodbye at the door.

We live in a 55 plus community, and Mike Miles, of HLAA, has agreed to do a presentation on hearing loss in the community. I have invited all the neighbors that I can think of and am trying to be very outspoken about this. This weekend our three grandchildren came - a situation which is usually very hard for him, because there's lots of bustle and noise and he just retreats. But this weekend he boldly spoke up and asked for adaptations and repetitions as needed. I am very encouraged by this. I do hope that we are turning a corner.

Thanks much for your concern and support.

Hi. My name is Laura. I have never joined an online chat group and I am 50. I do not have a hearing impairment but my spouse of 20 years (23 together) does. He has used hearing aids since I met him (I was 27, he was 28). His hearing has deteriorated over time, but the technology has helped a lot and he has been able to be successful with work and in being a husband to me, an amazing father, and a friend to many.
I am seeking support now because I feel so alone. While he is amazing, he so often doesn’t hear what I am saying and then gets so angry/dismissive with me when he does hear me and I repeat myself (which he feels is nagging). Anytime in the last 20+ years I have tried to discuss how hard his hearing loss is for me, his comment is “it is much harder for me”.
I know this is true, but I really need support and recognition that his disability really affects me (and our children) too.
I am not sure I am in the right place, but if anyone has a recommendation for a support group for hearing spouses of the hearing impaired (or a therapist recommendation) I would most grateful.
I hope this isn’t offensive to anyone, but I really need some help.

Laura

Laura, I don't know if you can see the posts above, but the Hearing Loss Association of America has been very helpful for me. I am fortunate enough to live near the Chester County, Pa chapter, which is a remarkably energetic group. They are having a monthly meeting on Thursday March 14 at 3:00 on Zoom. Please try to attend or at least get on their mailing list. You can also connect directly with me - leedastur5@gmail.com. I understand fully the unbearable isolation and frustration that you describe. You are very smart to reach out and to ask for help. The health of your entire family is at stake. I do hope to hear directly from you.

Laura, you can also sign up for (monthly?) newsletters from
HearingHealthmatters.org. They publish huge amounts of information on technologies for dealing with hearing loss.

Hello Laura, as a profoundly hearing-impaired spouse and parent, I want to offer my perspective, which I truly hope will help, but don't know in which way.
At age 25 I was diagnosed with otosclerosis in both ears and, as it was a deteriorating condition, I knew I would need hearing aids at some point. A few years later, noticing how hard it was for my husband and children to keep having to repeat themselves and deal with MY condition, I knew I needed to step-up and start wearing hearing aids because I loved them and wanted to be the solution to what had become a constant challenge and nuisance... For them! For my colleagues at work. For my students! For the shop keepers from whom I bought. I didn't want to Be The Problem. I could so easily choose to be the Solution!
Yes, it's annoying and expensive, with no end in sight.
I hope that somehow your spouse can become open to this perspective, without feeling victimized. Maybe it's just a change in attitude. I truly wish you all the best. Keep reaching out!

To "orm": Laura does say that her husband wears hearing aids. I don't know if they are enough. My husband is an engineer who has been wearing hearing aids for years and who really tried to keep up with the technology. Still, he struggles. His audiologist (he's had many) had never recommended the Roger microphone, but he ordered one after seeing it being used in the Hearing Loss Association meeting, and I am delighted to report that it has made an enormous difference in our lives. In his case, he had gotten so frustrated with the problems of communication that he actively avoided social interactions. That left ME as, quote "his only friend." Yikes.

There can be incredibly emotional stressors connected with hearing loss. Sometimes medication can help reduced the anxiety and frustration. Sadly, few therapists seem to be trained in dealing effectively with the situation. One thing that I've found helpful is the association's "Communication tips for people dealing with hearing loss." (It's wordy but I believe is being revised. And very practical!)

The Twin Cities chapter of HLAA has an extensive booklist of titles dealing with hearing loss. I've been working on a similar project with developing a list of films. This disability is "invisible" and very hard for everybody to deal with. Finding a group focused on topic has really been very helpful to me.

Leeda5, yes, and I agree with you, and thank you for sharing your perspective.
My husband can hear "perfectly" when we are home in an always quiet environment. When in the car or especially a restaurant, he really struggles.
I now wear the strongest/loudest HA possible in my "better" ear, and have a cochlear implant in my other ear. The biggest difference between us, though, is that I'm an extrovert who wants always to be part of the conversation. My husband might be considered an extreme introvert and, like much like your husband, might be perfectly content to have me as HIS only friend. Also YIKES!!!
He doesn't care if he misses out on conversations, so he doesn't wear his HAs.
I sensed that Laura's husband, too, might be content, and not much interested in seeking a better outcome for his hearing. It sounded to me, though, that Laura really needs her husband's hearing to be better, and if there are options for him, I feel their relationship could possibly be much-improved by learning what those might be. It sounds to me like he just isn't motivated to improve the situation at this time, and that has to be frustrating for Laura.