Tired of living

I'm so sorry and can almost feel your frustration, it is more than that. I looked at your biography to see how long you have been going through this. I don't want to make any assumptions at all; I didn't see any general history.
It sounds like you have been running to and away from at the same time~~when we have been traumatized; nothing is simple. Certain essentials have been damaged, like our ability to trust, have confidence, set boundaries, and how we judge our worth.
The client and the therapist have to 'fit'....there are good ones out there for sure. From my personal experience and I'm just sharing...I had to be ready to be brutally honest with myself and know it was going to be hard. When it is tougher...you get some answers faster. I will have you in my thoughts. 💞

@brandysparks I hear you. Really. I can relate.

@baa it’s what I have chosen to do, too. The closer you come to the end of your life (I am almost 77 and lately have seen a lot of friends and family drop dead in their early to mid seventies) it becomes more important to focus on making the most of what time you have left, than being angry at those who hurt you and are already six feet under! They are oblivious to your anger and pain so why torture yourself hanging on to their memory, eh!

Yes, I will have PTSD for the rest of my life, but I accept it as part of my life just as I do all the other illnesses that I have to live with. Not easy by any means, but all I can do is put one step in front of the other.

I have lived in 5+ major cities, so have had access to a variety of care, even though I approached it quite cautiously, wanting to find a trustworthy source, as well as complete confidentiality, esp. in the early days when it wasn't a given, let alone mentioned that you could hope to not have an impact at your company for availing yourself of the limited "mental health benefits". But I never approached the possibility of a good or helpful fit until my last psychiatrist who listened to me over a period of 20 years, with some breaks.

And yet she seemed to withhold anything that ever provided the hope of a "breakthrough" - again, it must be ME that is the barrier. I asked for some examples, some similar case studies to try to find how others have encountered similar struggles, MAYBE even surpassed them - "they don't exist" - "they would be different circumstances / facts / blah blah blah". Surely, I said, there must have been some you studied in graduate / medical school. No.

I'm in no way blaming her, but I did literally blast out of the room one final time when, in response to my sharing a rare memory of my mother being - if not supportive - at least neutral, she referred to my mother as "letting" me live (or, in so many words, letting me have my pleasant shared experience without her dumping on it, something like that). I still am not sure, but that concept, coming from my therapist in words, audibly - and not even being endorsed in any way by my therapist - so enraged my very being that I couldn't tolerate it or any more of our otherwise neutral dynamic. On top of it, after all this time - and I'd shared this with her - I had enough of not getting anywhere.

That was 3-1/2 years ago, just before COVID, just before a traumatic living circumstance brought on an abrupt move, that ultimately led me to living in a smaller town about 80 min. away that some distant family we would visit (when I was a teen) once lived in...without telling my mother about it, another struggle that wears on me, but that I have weighed and weighed again and again, and never feel I can share with her, as she will dump on it, likely deem it is about her - NO, I just want to live in a small town that seems pleasant and less crime-ridden, and may one day enable me somehow to blossom into ... myself?

I apologize for the amount of space my posts have taken up here today. But I am overwhelmed with rage, angst, lack of resolution, lack of cheer, lack of purpose and tired of being all about "others" and handling what I can, and doing ALL with a partner that - when I can no longer stand it - doesn't respond to my observations, even the littlest, inconsequential, daily life comings and goings comments, and makes me feel like I either don't exist and/or that my recent ER visit for unusual, unexpected head pain, and other non-life-threatening issues are overblown. I am sick of making things happen, feeling unheard, and being in pain. Not being heard only magnifies the pain, and then makes me feel responsible for it, and ultimately feeling isolated from the connection I have so longed for all my life, but that is that neverending black hole from our childhood.

@grammy82 Thank you again.

I just looked up "GCA": I hope you will be all right and that you are getting the medical attention you need for that!

So thankful for your help today. I need to go be quiet today and ... I don't know what next.

That elusive therapist is ... still out there! And boy have I tried - but maybe I can somehow figure out how to get out of my own way...? That's all I can figure for now.

I always felt life was short - so pack it in while you can - and that was from my early 20s on ... til now: society-accepted "retirement age", and feeling farther away from myself than ever. Doing Wordle and Spelling Bee and NYTimes MiniCrosswords isn't getting this "gal" anywhere...fast! Almost feel stuck like when I was growing up and didn't have any choices.

I did frown back then; somewhere along the line I got up in front of the crowd, and found I liked it there. Now I no longer need to "perform for pay" (i.e., work), I'd just like to "perform for joy", but I don't know what form that takes...so here I sit, and freeze - almost like the animal, fearing for its life, that plays dead to survive. Phew.

"Onward" for now...Again, thanks Thanks THANKS! Be well, my friend.

I never even thought of therapy during the years I was suffering. It is only now, when the ultimate in suffering - losing my husband and having a full hip replacement in quick succession - happened, did I consider it. I was fortunate to find such a wonderful woman. She gets me. We align on political affiliations, views on religion, etc., so I felt very comfortable with her. Sadly I have not heard from her lately because something happened to her 95 year old father and she told me she had to leave to go and see to things. I hope he did not die. I am leaving on my cruise the end of the week. If I have not had an email from her when I return, I will contact her to see where things are. If she is not able to continue, I really don't know what I will do. I guess I will have to face that when it happens.

I read your post twice. Intellectually I understand it. But my mother knew what she was doing. During the years as I have spoken to various members of my family they also knew what she was doing and what she was doing to me. She was a jealous and vindictive woman. She could shame and humiliate me and she did - always in front of others. When I finally got up the courage to leave, she sold my things that I could not take with me. She didn't ask or tell me about this. She sold them and kept the money. All these things I bought with my own money. I had to go to work right after high school because she deemed me too stupid to go to college. After I met my soon to be husband, I even wondered if there was something wrong with him because how could he love someone like me? Because at that time I firmly believed I was stupid and ugly and no one would have anything to do with me. All those scars last and hurt and I just cannot feel forgiveness.

I'm so glad I could help and you can see many others deal with the same thing...not that it lessens the hurt!

Eventually, at least for me, I realized that I was always looking for someone to make me happy...making my grandchildren my focus though they were far away...I was sewing for them, writing them. I could finally see that the amount of love I was showing...was what I needed to fill me up.

We are not responsible for what happened and it wasn't our doing. But, we are responsible for the steps we take and heaven knows you have tried. You will find when you look squarely at what eats at you; it will be your first step in going forward and being the amazing person you are...out loud. My fifties were energetic and I was able to do more physically....reach out. You can do it, my friend, I know you can or you wouldn't be talking to me. 💞 I'll be here~!

HI @thisismarilynb.

Excited for you & your upcoming trip.

I have to agree with and recognize your experience...when a person shows (albeit infrequently) that they are capable of "seeing you", with all the different ways that can be demonstrated, then I cannot abide with any "out" for them that 'they didn't know what they were doing'. Especially when - with great pain, effort and lack of seeing any other way around it - I addressed the person directly with these issues.

They could hear me, they chose to knee-jerk respond with defensive "How could you? How dare you? ...after all I've done for you (as a child, what choice do I have?)"

"Love" is not enough, as I tried to share with the psychiatrist meeting with our family after my sister chose to be in a secure lock-down unit after her attempt. A mother who hides behind "but I'm her mother", or "love" is not in touch with what her impact is - blaming others, even the adult child herself who made the attempt, almost successfully. Not being willing to talk with a professional - or anyone else - about what could be going on. Taking pleasure in your distress...a real killer.

Would that we could separate ourselves from these parents who wouldn't let us live our own identity or reality...and when we do, they call us back expecting we have no other life than to care for their needs, especially when they could afford to hire help.

Yes, there are generational differences, privacy issues, but there are also choices and confidentiality that professionally and/or can be contractually required.

Yes, my mother didn't have as many choices as I do. Nor did she have much access to the $$$ that my father controlled, and if she chose to go up against him, she would lose as she did not have the social and professional standing he had, I understand that. But would she ever let me bring that up with her? let alone discuss it?

It's these things that go unacknowledged that do the most damage. Just bringing it out into the open would be at least a leg up on being mentally healthier, instead of being made to feel like you could go crazy because no one else is addressing any of their reality, let alone listening to what your might be.