Tired of living

in reply to @spudmato You are correct that we make choices in our lives, and that we can choose whether or not to change something about ourselves that we may not particularly like. Many are unable to find meaning in their lives, perhaps because they are feeling hopeless, helpless or some other similar feeling. Some things are easier said than done.
I make it a point each day to exercise gratitude, even if I don't feel well, because I know that many today are not feeling great, or are feeling worse than I am. I try to occupy myself with things that bring me joy, such as art, music and now woodworking. I have just up -cycled 2 wooden pallets into tables for my patio. While many in my community continue to shun me because I have lost so much weight, I am sure they do not miss the fact that I have been lifting weights each day, as my arms look quite muscular. I lift the weights because I do not want to lose muscle mass, and my perseverance has paid off. While I was outside working yesterday, I said aloud: "I can do anything, and I will." This is not to say that everyday is a 10 for me, as there are many days when I just want to do nothing, and today feels like one of those days. Probably because my symptoms are worsening, and sometimes I fail to "see the forest through the trees." I am working on this, but cannot ignore the fact that I feel a bit weaker each day, have more pain each day and things of that nature. While I have discussed with my friend and former doctor that I want to take a break from all things medical, she is trying to encourage me to keep up with my appointments, even at great financial and emotional cost. I read an article on NORD that it takes on average 5 years to diagnose certain liver conditions/diseases. I am in year 3 and my medical team is no closer to knowing what is wrong with me than they were when I was first diagnosed.
In any event, I am fortunate to have things to look forward to, however small they may be at times. Everything around me is beautiful: my garden, my artwork, my wood projects, the roof over my head. I just received a walker I ordered so that I can help my 84 year old friend with her walking. She refused to use a walker unless I used one as well. I don't need one, but if this helps her, then I will use the walker with her. Others may look at me and think I am reaching the end, but they can think what they want. I simply want my dear friend to be able to walk around the community like she used to, and if using the walker alongside her works, then all is good.
With respect to feeling sorry for oneself, I think it is okay to have compassion for oneself. I am only just now learning how to do this, as I have always put the needs of others ahead of my own.
Thank you for your post.

Yes, @brandysparks .... that is why I do this...a lot when I write...I wish I could use italics!! I don't know...it sounds like we may have a sisterhood here~!!
I have a friend in England whose GREATEST pleasure is dancing twice a week...she lives each day for that next dance. Her favorites are the waltz and quick step. She is single, she isn't 'man' shopping, but there are those necessary partners...and she has a ball.
Can you find some singles dances....or dance lessons. Every time she goes, she will text....three hours of bliss!!!
I think you should check that out.💞💃🏼💃🏼

Do we hear anything from the "Supreme" Court that a sexual predator should be required to have a vasectomy? That'll be the day. It's only women who have no control over their bodies. Back to the 1800's.

I believe the concept "good enough mother" was proposed by Donald Winicott. I think it means babies don't need perfect mothers. Just mothers who can give that which is enough for a baby's needs.

I'm not sure what he thought about fathers 😅

Thank you @grammy82 - will go to line dancing tonight again...couldn't last week due to the recovery from the issues that led to the ER visit.
So cool to hear about your friend in England...and wonderful that she can find partner/s to dance those wonderful dances with!
I've even dreamed of creating some kind of "walk through the neighborhood" where we're all doing some kind of dance movements while just moving along this small town's roads and sidewalks, waving to neighbors and 'moving to the same beat'... (Among other hurdles I can't figure out how we could all wear ear buds and listen to the SAME music at the same time together - so we'd all be moving in sync, but keeping the music to ourselves - not inflicting it on those who'd rather just listen to their own, or to nature as we pass by!). Not sure the technology exists to enable a group to hear the same music at the same time on ear buds.
Any ideas welcome on that one!
Here's to dancing - no pressure to do certain steps, just joyful movement!

Absolutely.

At home my mother was perceived as "the difficult, neurotic, mean one" when I was growing up.

But my father, who was very, very complicated and difficult, because he was reserved and "successful" at work, was never seen as causing us emotional harm.

I recently discovered that the move abroad, that probably wrecked my mum's already fragile psyche, was something SHE encouraged, to help my father with his depression after losing a beloved parent.

And I don't understand why he - who worked with mental health - never did more to ensure she was properly medicated. She was bitter and often very hurtful. But she also clearly suffered... a lot.

in reply to @brandysparks and @grammy82 I was perusing this sequence of posts, and a distant memory came to me that I have not thought about in years. When I was a kid my mother used to put me in the car and drive to the Children's Receiving Home, a place where kids without parents were placed before being taken in as foster kids or adopted. I do not live far from this facility. She would drive into the parking lot and say to me: "this is where you are going to end up if you do not behave accordingly" or something like that. Every time I have been by that place I still think of all those times she took me there as some sort of sick threat. I attribute this to the fact that my mother and I were never close, as it was clear to me that my older sisters were her favorite, and that I was the unwanted, mistake. In fact, this past summer I was so convinced that I was not related to my sisters that I did one of those DNA kits from Ancestry, and kept hoping that I would find out that I was not really her child. No such luck. However difficult it was growing up with her abuse, as well as my father's, I am glad that I was able to overcome the shame I always felt for being "different." I was only able to do this at great personal expense and time, but I was determined never to be like my mother, sound like my mother and things of that nature. She was hearing impaired, as am I. And I made it my mission never to sound like a hard of hearing person. In fact, because I have such a soft voice, many are unaware of my own hearing impairment. Yes, I lived a fake life for a long time until I could not.
Anyway, thank you to all of you who have read my posts and have offered me such wonderful encouragement as I navigate this journey to better health.

Thank you @grammy82 - will go to line dancing tonight again...couldn't last week due to the recovery from the issues that led to the ER visit.
So cool to hear about your friend in England...and wonderful that she can find partner/s to dance those wonderful dances with!
I've even dreamed of creating some kind of "walk through the neighborhood" where we're all doing some kind of dance movements while just moving along this small town's roads and sidewalks, waving to neighbors and 'moving to the same beat'... (Among other hurdles I can't figure out how we could all wear ear buds and listen to the SAME music at the same time together - so we'd all be moving in sync, but keeping the music to ourselves - not inflicting it on those who'd rather just listen to their own, or to nature as we pass by!). Not sure the technology exists to enable a group to hear the same music at the same time on ear buds.
Any ideas welcome on that one!
Here's to dancing - no pressure to do certain steps, just joyful movement!

@frances007 Funny (not in the “haha” way), I too often wished I had not been related to my mother - and it would not surprise me to hear my eldest has felt the same way about me! I swore I would never be like my mother and I consciously did everything she did not do for me, while raising my kids, but unfortunately there were some learned behaviours I was not aware of, that damaged my kids (especially my oldest), anyway.