Tired of living

Yes friendship is nice and so are you for writing to me. I moved far from family but not in shame. They all said you will be back, implying that I would fail. I went with the attitude that I will show them, and I did. But again you are right - keeping inner parent. My mother's shrill voice and hurtful comments are all still right there. I have heard a lot about forgiveness and how it frees you. I just cannot figure it out. Someone once said to me if only I could vomit her out. Yes, if only.

You have been so fortunate to have and love your husband…when you love and loose the person it’s just plain grief and that grief doesn’t leave, you just have to navigate around it I guess. My oldest son struggles with alcoholism and has Asperger’s…very intelligent and talented and productive working on my properties but I just can’t handle the stress of it. I also have been active and in really good shape but the emotional sadness is the worst. You know, I wish I had dementia and was in a nice care home! So sad because I love doing things and enjoy people but find myself in bed sometimes for days! I need to just stop playing”god” I guess and detach but don’t seem to be able to. How very, very brave your going on a cruise! Your husband is proud of you I know! You inspire me…😊👍💕🌺

You have been so fortunate to have and love your husband…when you love and loose the person it’s just plain grief and that grief doesn’t leave, you just have to navigate around it I guess. My oldest son struggles with alcoholism and has Asperger’s…very intelligent and talented and productive working on my properties but I just can’t handle the stress of it. I also have been active and in really good shape but the emotional sadness is the worst. You know, I wish I had dementia and was in a nice care home! So sad because I love doing things and enjoy people but find myself in bed sometimes for days! I need to just stop playing”god” I guess and detach but don’t seem to be able to. How very, very brave your going on a cruise! Your husband is proud of you I know! You inspire me…😊👍💕🌺

I see it this way:
1. my parents caused me damage
2. sadly for me they were blind to what they did. And that included endless arguing - once my father threatened to crash the car on the highway with me and my mother in it.
3. But they really had no clue what I was going through.
4. God/ nature/ chance made them that way. They never chose to be that way, so ultimately I see them as awful, but not intentionally awful.
5. How to forgive? If I may quote the New Testament as wisdom (not religion): "they know not what they do." Of course that doesn't mean they weren't responsible. Just that they didn't CHOOSE to be people who allowed themselves to be the way they were.
6. Does that mean I forgive and forget? No!!!!!!!!! I carry the damage. But I know that it is the result of a pointless, random, miserable confluence of chance events (= them being my parents), thus the inner voices are like a broken leg. It hurts, it gets in the way, but it is devoid of meaning, of truth.
7. Is that forgiveness? It's forgiveness in the way I forgive a vicious dog that bites me. What's the point in holding a grudge against random bad things? The bite still hurts, I still dislike the dog. But not to forgive it, is to assume the dog knew it shouldn't bite, knew the consequences, and still bit anyway.
8. Forgiveness doesn't prevent me being angry. It just lets me feel I have a right to ignore the inner voices and recognize that they are mere damage; as I said, they're like a broken leg.
PS
Being damaged is a great way to make friends!!! It makes one humble, and anyway most people are damaged. It's actually something people bond over.

I read your post twice. Intellectually I understand it. But my mother knew what she was doing. During the years as I have spoken to various members of my family they also knew what she was doing and what she was doing to me. She was a jealous and vindictive woman. She could shame and humiliate me and she did - always in front of others. When I finally got up the courage to leave, she sold my things that I could not take with me. She didn't ask or tell me about this. She sold them and kept the money. All these things I bought with my own money. I had to go to work right after high school because she deemed me too stupid to go to college. After I met my soon to be husband, I even wondered if there was something wrong with him because how could he love someone like me? Because at that time I firmly believed I was stupid and ugly and no one would have anything to do with me. All those scars last and hurt and I just cannot feel forgiveness.

I read your post twice. Intellectually I understand it. But my mother knew what she was doing. During the years as I have spoken to various members of my family they also knew what she was doing and what she was doing to me. She was a jealous and vindictive woman. She could shame and humiliate me and she did - always in front of others. When I finally got up the courage to leave, she sold my things that I could not take with me. She didn't ask or tell me about this. She sold them and kept the money. All these things I bought with my own money. I had to go to work right after high school because she deemed me too stupid to go to college. After I met my soon to be husband, I even wondered if there was something wrong with him because how could he love someone like me? Because at that time I firmly believed I was stupid and ugly and no one would have anything to do with me. All those scars last and hurt and I just cannot feel forgiveness.

I read your post twice. Intellectually I understand it. But my mother knew what she was doing. During the years as I have spoken to various members of my family they also knew what she was doing and what she was doing to me. She was a jealous and vindictive woman. She could shame and humiliate me and she did - always in front of others. When I finally got up the courage to leave, she sold my things that I could not take with me. She didn't ask or tell me about this. She sold them and kept the money. All these things I bought with my own money. I had to go to work right after high school because she deemed me too stupid to go to college. After I met my soon to be husband, I even wondered if there was something wrong with him because how could he love someone like me? Because at that time I firmly believed I was stupid and ugly and no one would have anything to do with me. All those scars last and hurt and I just cannot feel forgiveness.