Seen as selfish when have mental difficulties

I also once was the partner who thought the other was mean and selfish until I read an article that helped me understand that they may have undiagnosed ADHD and OCD. I found the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage:: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa Orlov to be extremely comprehensive on dealing with these impacts on our relationship without making either of us wrong. The book has a lot of information, support, tips, exercises and stories, and it’s likely available at your local public library. She and Dr. Edward Hallowell also have a site online at https://www.adhdmarriage.com .

Thank you so much! I will check out the website and hopefully the book. And how lovely you were able to understand your partner's situation. I hope my wife will too. It won't be easy as she had a difficult childhood, so is having to work through that (as am I with mine). And she feels she's been too accepting already. Still, even seemingly selfish people bring good things to a relationship, so hopefully that will make a difference. Thank you again!

...haven't been called those names but as things have progressed with my mental and physical health I have become a bit more preoccupied with how I feel, sort of do a check of my body as soon as I wake up... and now fatigue has set in am not able to do what I used to for other family members over the "good years"... I hadn't realized in many years of marriage how ocd is part of my husband's makeup - but when he took over a lot of the household chores I realized he was not overly tidy but obsessively neat ... I know we all have "mental health" and seems from a scale of 0 to 100, but a variety some of which can be "hidden" for many years: I still don't think anyone should be called any "names" regardless... but we are all only human! Am only now as a Senior being asked about my childhood, and although nothing alarming (except when young brother and I were fighting over who held a knife and it cut my neck and Mum ran to hospital with me as no phone etc.,) I had not realized how often I was left alone and things like that - apparently these things can shape our future, but because mainly I was loved I thought it was "all good." J.

I think the name-calling, in my case, is because apparently I was difficult to live with, and my diagnosis came very late. Also, I have to understand that the name-callers are only human too!

I too have been told that damage can be caused in early childhood by being left alone, which seems less "dramatic" than abuse, but causes damage (for instance, one may not be encouraged to interact with, and be fascinated by, the outside world).

I think these days it's known as CEN, childhood emotional neglect.

...left alone in house with parents at work and older brother away and when woke up would lock myself in bathroom til i heard my grandmother arrive.. but i was too young in those days to even tell time and had no clock anyway... and came home from school very young and neighbour told my mum i was sitting on my bedroom windowsill with my feet hanging outside, on the 2nd floor! i thought all kids were left alone! my parents loved me and played with me they didnt drink or whatever, but now i reflect on it, and have a family , I am still a "loner"

I don't agree with the Beatles that all you need is love. I believe my father was filled with love for his wife and children. That love made him feel entitled to do whatever he felt was right, since the intentions were loving.

I've come to realize that doing what is normal/ advisable/ safe/ sensible - that shows love. Which may well have better results that merely having a great, loving feeling inside...

... yes we need to feel safe especially with family - at a group counselling session years ago the leader (dr) explained that we all have different interpretations/meanings to words like love, hate, selfishness, etc. etc. the list goes on and I always had that thought in my head somewhere... someones idea, for instance, of generosity could be far from another person's and so on... and I think "love" means different things too... ?? each of our lives are so very different but so very much the same and complicated... anyone have the answer?

In many situations, be they emotional or practical, what seems to be a significant disagreement turns out to be over (I think the right word is) semantics. The most pointless and endless arguments tend to be those ones.

So I guess the solution may be to presume straight away that any argument is mostly due to a misunderstand, and, using that logic, calmly to try and sort out what's being said, before arguing over who is right.

@ricm58 So true for me too in terms of the "less dramatic" (I would call it, and very painfully so - the kind of damage that is "less obvious to friends, family and society": controlling, narcissistic, socially upright, upstanding, marginally religious, successful family I was raised in, and indeed did have worldly benefits from growing up within - as it would appear outwardly, that is.

...for me, it's in terms of being "left alone" with no support for growing into an individual, no or little support when I questioned how my parents treated each other (snarky, biting, nasty subtle snipes that they must have thought I/we children wouldn't see, but which made me vow to NEVER find myself in that kind of situation or relationship), no support - ("how ungrateful can you be? how DARE you after all I've done for you?!") in response to simply daring (with tears, shaking, words barely able to come out, usually paired with thinking suicide was the only way to leave the unhappiness of growing up in this world), with no support for having my own observations, tastes, style, thoughts, opinions, and on and on....and we're NOT talking here about anything radical. In fact, I was TOO quiet/shy, TOO obedient, a good student, NEVER rebelled, NEVER felt I could leave and make my way on my own - until I moved across country, still plagued by the doubting, judgmental, dismissive voices of my parents in my head.

At least I was able to forge through adversity in the big cities where I lived, but never finding true connections, let alone lasting relationships, or lasting comfort or success professionally, though I have the advanced academic degrees and "Renaissance woman" resume to show for it (with NO regrets on that note, BTW). Always seemed to be brought down in the working world by some woman who was undermining, back-stabbing, probably jealous, though that is nothing to enjoy experiencing in any way.

Never enjoyed the guidance or sage wisdome of a mentor. Still searching for that in life - a "life mentor" I suppose.

Wish we could all find each other in this world, in ways that help, and not hurt, or betray; ths is what we are managing to do here on MayoConnect - thank goodness.

I just find it so VERY VERY painful in my very current struggle, being constantly met with dull, numb, unemotional or silent "responses" (partner, sister) to my communicated observations and struggles, especially when these very people have lived those struggles themselves, and/or do communicate with others, but do not seem to (or want to?) see me for my own. Makes me think the only option is to shut down, like them. But that is the very basic thing I struggled against doing until I finally - at least by moving away - "freed" myself from this stamping down of my light.

When I see others' lights being trampled, I cry inside. I am crying inside now for myself.

A general, warm thanks to those who reach beyond to share their stories here.

Hi brandysparks,
I am so, so sorry to hear what you have been through, and go through.

It seems reasonable to me if a good, responsible person, who always fulfilled what was expected of them in school and then as an adult, asks only for close people to be caring and supportive, since they are a sensitive person, one who's not thick-skinned.

And having a sensitive nature is a great asset that can help us achieve EVEN more in life, if we are working in the right environment.

My experience is that other people are often surprisingly different from me (not better or worse, but different). They had a light when they were kids, but they apparently viewed growing up as a process by which the light goes out and (from our perspective) they shut down. Such people like to meet up and share stories about all the things they live through and cope with BECAUSE they've shut down!

It is obviously disheartening not to have others value and nurture one's light. But when people extinguish their own light, they tend to act rather superior with others that still have a light, as if to say "to cope with life, extinguish your light, till then don't complain about how hard life is".

I get their point, life is hard, and it's their way of coping. But I can't do it, and I find that my inability to do it irritates "them", like they are saying "I work hard at surviving, I sacrificed my light, so don't ask me to help you just because you didn't extinguish your light."

But I've never learnt how to extinguish mine! My wife and I are both sensitive, I guess a bit neurotic, and that can be complex... misunderstandings happen.

Ultimately, I think we need to become our own life mentor. However, I think those neglectful parents I had are still sitting in the place my mentor should be. One bizarre thing my father once said to me when I was in my early twenties and very depressed was "you must stop treating yourself this way". As a therapist pointed out to me recently, it never crossed his mind that he might have treated me in a way that contributed to my depression.

All I can say is that you write beautifully and movingly. and that you clearly do have a "light". I think the challenge is learning to be the one who says to oneself "I'm lucky to be sensitive and emotionally alive when others have shut down years ago". And to learn to use that light in our work/ life/ hobbies...