A Change Has Come

Posted by frances007 @frances007, May 8, 2023

Hello, I am new to this group, not having posted anything on it before(at least I don't think I have).
I presently take care of my 84 year old friend/neighbor who now has dementia and the associated memory loss. I attend to her needs every evening, usually staying about 4 hours. Making her dinner, taking care of her cat, cleaning and things of that nature. My friend, who I will call Joyce, is very stubborn, a picky eater among other things. I do the best I can. However, I have my own health issues which are considerable, and sometimes I do not want to spend every evening with Joyce. I am finding that I am losing my patience with her more frequently, and often leave early because I am afraid I will say something that I will regret, even if she does not remember the next day. She has no one else willing to help her as much as I do, and with my health being the way that it is presently, I am not sure how much longer I can continue to attend to her needs. Joyce has been incredibly kind and generous to me, thus my unfailing loyalty to her. Having said this, she is beginning to get abusive towards me, saying unkind and insensitive things, ordering me around and things of that nature. It seems as though what I am doing is just not "good enough."
Getting her interested in dinner is difficult at best, because all she can think of to eat is baked potatoes, so that is what I have been preparing for her. I figure, if this is what she wants, then this is what she will have for dinner. I have tried contacting the person who has power of attorney over Joyce, but my inquiries are ignored. Lately, I feel like I need permission to take a break from seeing Joyce everyday because I have my own health issues to deal with, and which she is unable to understand. My health issues are serious, but I will not bore you with them here. Suffice to say however, that I am not in as good of shape as I was ten years ago when I first met Joyce. I am also grieving somewhat over the loss of our "friendship" as we no longer do those fun things that we did just a year or so ago. I dare say that she has no memory of the fun we had before now. What happens when you start to feel "care- giver burnout" and how do you deal with it?

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@frances007

Thank you all. and in reply to @IndianaScott . My sister used to work for Adult Protective Services and she is aware of my situation with "Joyce," and has provided me with some sage advice. I will add that Adult Protective Services in the county in which I live is lacking in resources, and unless Joyce was being abused in some fashion, they would not do anything about her situation. Joyce is able to prepare a simple meal for herself, get herself dressed and things of that nature. She calls me every morning so I can ensure she gets up. However, lately she is forgetting to call me, so I call her. If I do not get an answer, I either wait or go over to her apartment to make sure she is okay. The last time I did this, I had to break down the door because she had one of those useless chain type things that "secure" doors. Not anymore.

There are many dynamics involved which I have not yet posted here, but may do so at some point. I am taking a break from her this weekend when I go to visit my sister for a few days, and I have arranged for another friend of Joyce's to step in and come over each evening to take care of the things that I normally do for her. This break will give me some time to myself and focus on an art show I am having.

Joyce does have a car, but is no longer driving. Yes, she has the key; however, the battery on this new car is dead, a result of the fact that Joyce did not understand how to start the car, would not allow me to start it for her , and in attempting to do so too many times, she drained the battery. I have spoken to her friend that purchased the car, and she plans to take the car back to the dealership and sell it back to them. Good. She offered to give me the car, but I do not want a car, and certainly do not want to be in the same car with Joyce because of my prior experiences as a passenger.

I suspect that Joyce's POA has chosen to ignore me because she may be afraid I am going to ask her for money, which I would never do. I mentioned that the POA was quite wealthy, and this is very true. Her resources are unlimited. I might add that the POA is in fact, an attorney herself. She knows the score so to speak. In fact, this woman has a sister currently in a memory care center because of her own dementia. I will however, write her a detailed letter spelling out the situation. I highly doubt that I will get a response, and here's why: she has a "small" check sent to Joyce each month as a little extra money (a paltry sum if you ask me), and she also buys and delivers Joyce a case of Ensure each month, but she never stays long enough to visit with and catch up with Joyce. Thus, her own denial of the situation is very strong.

I am certainly not going to abandon my friend, and I will find a way to continue to help her, but with some limitations, especially now. The upcoming break for a few days could not have come at a better time.

I thank you all for the valuable input you have given to me. I have been so afraid to post anything about Joyce because I didn't want to come across as whiny or sounding like I am not grateful for all of the things that my friend has done for me. As I mentioned, she has been a huge part of my life, and I have no intention of abandoning her. However, I get it that I need to find a happy medium and will do just that.

One thing that has stopped me from making any final decisions on this matter is guilt because of the kindness and generosity that Joyce has shown to me over the past ten plus years. She was my best friend and confidant. She "bailed me out" on more than one occasion when I came up short at the end of the month, and she has been an overall positive influence in my life. I think all of you understand. My health aside, I care very much about Joyce and her well being. However, I know that if I cannot take care of myself, I will be unable to take care of my friend.

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I appreciate your loyalty to your friend but it appears that the ones in charge have abdicated their responsibility to this client. as they know you are there to take care of her. I would be of mind to report this to another attorney as this one is clearly not doing her job. There are rules for POA's to follow and seems like this one is not doing her job. Very sad and sorry you are in this situation and be sure to take care of yourself.

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Wow! You have written my story. I too was helping a sick friend, and it was draining me. I had to back away due to my own health and my family responsibilities. I had peace from the Lord that I did the right thing. Guess what? Folks started stepping up to help her and it has been wonderful for her and me. God is so good!

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Contact her primary care doctor. HIPAA laws will prevent them from communicating to you but there is nothing stopping you from speaking with them and reporting the problem. They should have her emergency contact person and/or her health care proxy. Most offices have a care coordinator. Insist that you speak with them. They can surely refer you to someone who can offer a path forward for your friend. Failing that if you live in a small supportive town, contact the town welfare officer or senior services for the town or county. You are good friend to get her the help that she needs.

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