A Change Has Come

@frances007 Oh my, You do have your plate full. Caring for a friend or neighbor leads to some very different questions and issues as compared to caring for a close family member or partner.
(Over my lifetime, I have done both.)
Forty years ago, we had the same issue with a very dear neighbor after her husband died. When it was finally apparent that we could not meet her increasing needs, as well as those of our growing family, whilst also employed, we had to contact her attorney and tell him other arrangements were needed. He worked with her nephew to find an in-home caregiver for her.

Perhaps, if your friend's power of attorney is not responding to you, you can make one more attempt, saying "I can no longer do this on a full time basis. I am still willing to do [X or Y.] I need to discuss the situation with you by [date.] As Joyce's condition changes, she is not able to fully care for herself, and needs more help than I am able to offer. If I do not hear from you, I will need contact her health care provider and explain what is happening."

As dearly as we love our friends and neighbors, risking our own health and well-being is not a good idea. If you get injured or overwhelmed, who will take care of you?

Please let me know how you are doing.
Sue

in reply to @sueinmn Thank you Sue, for this advice.
I will at some point make another attempt to contact her "person." I do know that she has blocked my number, but I do know she has received my text messages. These two, "Joyce" and Jan, have a long history of being friends for over 50 years etc,. and Jan has more than enough money to help Joyce. I have never asked her for anything, other than to contact me so that I could discuss with her the fact that I wanted to call Joyce's doctor and wanted her permission to do so. For some time I thought about going through one of the County's programs that pays for In Home Health Services so that I could at least get paid for what I am doing, as Joyce qualifies for the program with her age alone. But, it is a big hassle to apply for the program, set up an account and things of that nature.

Honestly, I end up feeling guilty if I do not go over each evening because Joyce has been very generous to me in the past, and even now if I needed something, she would do what she could within her power to help me. Her car was stolen about 2 months ago. Another long time friend of hers took her to the car dealership where Joyce ended up purchasing/financing a $40000 car. When the first payment arrived, she had not realized what she had done, and obviously could not afford the payments. Her friend paid the car off and is now begging me to renew my driver's license so that I can drive Joyce to and from wherever she wants to go, like to get her hair done, banking and things of that nature. I told her friend last night that I am unwilling to do this at this point in my life. It was hard enough being a passenger while Joyce was driving, I can only imagine what it would be like "driving Ms. Daisy." The car is beautiful, has all the bells and whistles, but is way too much of a car for someone like Joyce. She is not driving anymore, which is a good thing because she had been engaging in "road rage" and things of that nature, which were of concern to me.

Now that she has begun to act abusive towards me, it is all I can do to just ignore her and tell myself that it is her disease, not Joyce, if that makes sense. I do her laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping for which she gives me money (for the groceries and $20 to do her laundry when I remind her it needs to be done). I am putting this out there so that people know I am not taking advantage of her, as many do to people when caring for people who have dementia.

I have tried over and over again to describe to her the health crisis I am currently facing, but she either doesn't understand, or doesn't want to because she hates doctors and rarely goes to see one.

You are correct in that if I am injured or overwhelmed, my resources are somewhat limited. My older sister is dealing with her 73 year old husband who has advanced dementia, and she is having a very difficult time herself, so I try not to overload her with my own issues. In fact, I will be going to their home this weekend, and she warned me to be prepared for the huge change he has undergone since I saw him over a year ago. I don't know how she does it, and she often tells me to just stop going to help Joyce, but for the present time, I am not going to do that. I have arranged for a friend of Joyce's to take over while I am at my sister's house this coming weekend. In fact, I am thinking about telling Joyce that I am not returning on Saturday, but rather later, as I just need a break. I know this must sound selfish, but currently I am a wreck because of the breast lump I found a week ago and will have diagnostic testing done this week. More than likely they will do a biopsy because of my prior history with breast issues.

In any event, thank you very much for your kind words of wisdom. I think I will write a letter to Jan and spell it all out as you have suggested.
Again, thank you very much for your understanding and support.

I know you said you wouldn't stop but could you decrease to once a week and let her doctor and P of A know you are stepping out due to your own health? Do NOT feel guilty. You have done way more than most people would ever do.

Is there a senior services number you can call?

You can call the doctor or write the doctor- that is allowed- but they cannot answer you. If you tell them, it becomes their responsibility not yours.

It sounds to me like your friend needs placement at the very least in assisted living. Maybe even memory care. And she should NOT have a car. I hope she doesn't have the keys.

You have to get help.You can’t wait your health is important her POA needs to be getting involved with her care.. Realize that if you get down and can’t come it’s not going to be a good situation for either one of you. I don’t think she realizes she is treating you bad it’s her disease coming out. Take care of yourself. That’s what you must do NOW.

Contact your county’s adult protective services office and explain the situation. They will be able to contact the POA , her health care provider and assist in other ways as
well. Take care

Hello, @frances007 I agree with @jmp1514 that it could be critical for you to contact your county's adult services department. If it were me, I might worry about the possibility of doing something contrary to the information/directives left for your friend's POA. This could lead to legal ramifications. Again, if it were me, I'd be in touch with someone in the legal profession to contact her POA.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Thank you all. and in reply to @IndianaScott . My sister used to work for Adult Protective Services and she is aware of my situation with "Joyce," and has provided me with some sage advice. I will add that Adult Protective Services in the county in which I live is lacking in resources, and unless Joyce was being abused in some fashion, they would not do anything about her situation. Joyce is able to prepare a simple meal for herself, get herself dressed and things of that nature. She calls me every morning so I can ensure she gets up. However, lately she is forgetting to call me, so I call her. If I do not get an answer, I either wait or go over to her apartment to make sure she is okay. The last time I did this, I had to break down the door because she had one of those useless chain type things that "secure" doors. Not anymore.

There are many dynamics involved which I have not yet posted here, but may do so at some point. I am taking a break from her this weekend when I go to visit my sister for a few days, and I have arranged for another friend of Joyce's to step in and come over each evening to take care of the things that I normally do for her. This break will give me some time to myself and focus on an art show I am having.

Joyce does have a car, but is no longer driving. Yes, she has the key; however, the battery on this new car is dead, a result of the fact that Joyce did not understand how to start the car, would not allow me to start it for her , and in attempting to do so too many times, she drained the battery. I have spoken to her friend that purchased the car, and she plans to take the car back to the dealership and sell it back to them. Good. She offered to give me the car, but I do not want a car, and certainly do not want to be in the same car with Joyce because of my prior experiences as a passenger.

I suspect that Joyce's POA has chosen to ignore me because she may be afraid I am going to ask her for money, which I would never do. I mentioned that the POA was quite wealthy, and this is very true. Her resources are unlimited. I might add that the POA is in fact, an attorney herself. She knows the score so to speak. In fact, this woman has a sister currently in a memory care center because of her own dementia. I will however, write her a detailed letter spelling out the situation. I highly doubt that I will get a response, and here's why: she has a "small" check sent to Joyce each month as a little extra money (a paltry sum if you ask me), and she also buys and delivers Joyce a case of Ensure each month, but she never stays long enough to visit with and catch up with Joyce. Thus, her own denial of the situation is very strong.

I am certainly not going to abandon my friend, and I will find a way to continue to help her, but with some limitations, especially now. The upcoming break for a few days could not have come at a better time.

I thank you all for the valuable input you have given to me. I have been so afraid to post anything about Joyce because I didn't want to come across as whiny or sounding like I am not grateful for all of the things that my friend has done for me. As I mentioned, she has been a huge part of my life, and I have no intention of abandoning her. However, I get it that I need to find a happy medium and will do just that.

One thing that has stopped me from making any final decisions on this matter is guilt because of the kindness and generosity that Joyce has shown to me over the past ten plus years. She was my best friend and confidant. She "bailed me out" on more than one occasion when I came up short at the end of the month, and she has been an overall positive influence in my life. I think all of you understand. My health aside, I care very much about Joyce and her well being. However, I know that if I cannot take care of myself, I will be unable to take care of my friend.

@frances007 this last response makes it a little clearer about why you are devoted to your friend. Many of us have suffered burnout from doing what you are doing. My mother died after years of me caregiving and my health is not good. Please take care of yourself! The P of A apparently could pay for some in-home help or out of home placement. In that case you could visit to provide companionship as a friend. And drive away.

in reply to @windyshores Thank you very much for your support and kind words.

What is baffling to me is why Jan, who is an attorney and has a POA for Joyce, is ignoring my text messages and phone calls. I have spelled it out clearly to her that Joyce's depression has worsened as has her dementia. I wanted to call the doctor to ask if Joyce's antidepressant could be increased because she is on the lowest dose of Zoloft and even the pharmacist told me that at such a low dose, he doubted that she would notice any improvement. I see that someone mentioned I can call the doctor, and they do not need to tell me anything. I will call them later to ask about the Zoloft, and perhaps Joyce can sit beside me and give me permission to speak to the doctor's staff. She understands this much.

Jan does not stay when she visits Joyce and drops off the Ensure, and even though they talk every evening on the phone, Joyce always asks the same questions and says the same things. Joyce has told me that Jan changed when she became an attorney many years ago, but I think she simply does not want to get involved. I am not kidding when I say that Jan has the money to help Joyce if she had to go into an assisted living situation. This woman has more money than God, literally. Joyce would never ask Jan for money of any kind, and it was actually Jan's now deceased partner who set up the monthly checks that are sent to Joyce. It is a pittance, and was only increased slightly when our rents were increased 2 months ago.

Joyce has many issues which stem from growing up with her grandparents who were very conservative and religious; think: "Southern Baptist." I have nothing against any religion, but Joyce's upbringing has made her into the most rebellious, stubborn and controlling person I have met in a long time. Her current health situation is a result of a lifetime of bad habits of ALL kinds. She does not take her medication as prescribed, especially the Anoro for her COPD. I fill and pick this up for her every month, in addition to picking up all her medication as we use the same pharmacy.

I need to get over the idea that I "owe" Joyce the care and support that I give to her. This does not mean I do not love her and care about her, it simply means that I need to allow myself to focus more on myself, which is not something I am very good at doing. I just called her and asked her what she wanted for dinner because I don't think living on baked potatoes every day is a good idea, even though she is satisfied with this food. In fact, I have started eating sweet potatoes nearly every evening simply because it is easier, and with the liver/pancreatic condition I have, my appetite is zero. So I figure at least I am eating something. She told me she cannot think about dinner so I will go to the store and buy something to prepare later. She is very hard to please and I am running out of ways to placate her.

I am at a point where I really just want to wake up in another country, if you know what I mean. I did ask Joyce this morning if she would help me put together some things for the card show I am having this weekend, in an effort to make some extra money for my financial needs. I thought perhaps a simple task like filling small cotton bags with lavender would be something other than watching television all day would be a good thing for her, or adhering stickers to card stock that will serve as a "business card." She did not understand anything, even though I explained everything as simply as I could.

I am feeling like a train wreck today because of the diagnostic tests I have tomorrow and which Joyce kind of understands. I showed her the lump on my breast, but she still seemed somewhat clueless with respect to the anxiety I have, other than to constantly say, " I am sorry." If she says this one more time, I could probably scream at her, but will not. Between refusing to wear her hearing aids, constantly muting the television or absently turning it off, I feel like I am in a "loony bin." Please do not misunderstand my words, it is rhetoric. I am simply at my wits end, and need as you said, to take care of myself. I am grateful for Joyce's kindness towards me, and also the kindness from those of you who have commented on my postings. I have been afraid to do so because I do not want to come across as being unkind or having no compassion, because kindness and compassion are codes I live by. I am and always will be a humanitarian, but currently with everything going on in my own life, I am not sure I have much reserve left. I apologise for saying all of these things. My sister is facing an even worse situation with her husband, so I know that what I am feeling is probably "normal" in some fashion. This weekend's break could not have been planned at a better time.

Again, thank you for all of the good suggestions that I am certainly taking to heart.

@frances007 you have very high expectations of yourself. I am glad to see glimmers of knowing you do not have to carry the burden of Joyce. For now, she can eat baked potatoes. (Assisted living meals would help!)

The P of A has the money for assisted living and can also invoke it and speak with the doctor. (Yes, you can accompany Joyce and she can give permission to speak but I hope this does not fall on you.)

I have had breast cancer. Right now is the hardest part- waiting to see then waiting to see what kind if it is cancer. That is enough for any one person to handle, believe me. Please keep us posted!