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Frustration with everything. I’m about to lose it
Hello, My first time here. Here’s my story.
I’ve been a caregiver for about four years. About 5 years ago my brother died at age 65 from organ failure due to diabetes. At that time my parents and sister decided to move close to me. Shortly after COVID hit my sister was diagnosed with Stage IV small cell lung cancer. I became her caregiver as well as caregiver to my parents that live in assisted living. She passed away two years ago at age 70. Both were smokers, please don’t smoke.
My parents are 94 and 96. They have been living together in assisted living. Not even two weeks ago we had to transfer my father, who is a veteran of WW II, Korea and Vietnam, to Memory Care. This week my father fell and broke his hip. Surgery was successful but after care is difficult due to his dementia and him not understanding what’s going on. Add into the mix that my 94 yo mother who requires a wheelchair to get around is a clinically dx narcissist that makes everything about her.
Besides wanting to slap my mother, (just a saying, I would not do that, I’m a very good daughter and care giver, better than she deserves) I am worried for my father’s safety. I understand the hip surgery was successful and they need to clear the beds but I feel like the hospital dumped my father into a skilled nursing facility (SNF) that isn’t set up to care for him properly. Besides the dementia, he has: macular degeneration, can’t see; very hard of hearing, even with hearing aids; can’t walk by hisself due to the hip and he has vertigo. Yeah, I know, it sucks. Last night was his first night in the SNF. They have him in a bed that he can get in and out of on his own and they only check periodically. He gets sundowners and when he does he is on a mission to walk. I am terrified he is going to get out of bed and fall again. They facility doesn’t seem to think that’s a problem and I’m not sure other facilities would be any better for his situation. How can I help him?What can I do for myself so that I don’t lose it? I’m frustrated and exhausted. I’ve tried behavior modification therapy. That hasn’t helped. I’ve tried talk therapy. My feeling on that is, the situation is what it is and I can’t change it. Talking about something I can’t change just makes me angrier. I know I’m suppose to change how I react. That doesn’t really work. Thanks for letting me vent.
Just as I feared, I just got a call that he almost fell last night. Help what can I do for him?
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Your frustration is very understandable and your dedication is laudable. You have certainly have had a rough time of it. Give yourself room to breathe for a little bit. You and your father both need you to be in good shape, right? Is there anyone who can step in for a day or so instead of you? On the practical side, is there a bed alarm on your father's bed? It can alert the aides that he's trying to get up without them being in the room to see it.
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8 Reactions@psp. Your posting is wonderful to read. I totally understand you not feeling sadness, but relief. As an oncology nurse for many years, I was able to see this play out. Even with my own parents, I was relieved that their suffering was over. Like you, I’ll always remember them as they were in their good years and all they taught me and did for me.
Thank you for the loving care you provided to your parents and may you be at peace.
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2 ReactionsConsider Hospice care. 96 with dementia and other failings, he may be eligible. My mother was 88 in MC for 4 years and one day could not recall how to walk. In wheelchair with alarm and she still forgot she forgot and fell a few times. Third time she broke her hip or her hip broke causing the fall. She passed away peacefully three days later. No surgery nor rehab. Peaceful passing from her confused state. What she wanted according to her living will. It’s tough and I feel for you.
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1 ReactionI hope you have found an answer for both of you.
I am so worried about our financial situation that I feel sick. I try to talk to banks and other companies and online, but don’t get much help. Everything is getting jumbled up and I can’t think straight. Then my spouse starts with his silliness and questions that require answers right away or he starts his sarcasm again, which I now tell him to stop.
So I can definitely relate to your frustration and anger. I lost it yesterday after my spouse and I went to see our doctor. Doctor wasn’t there but an assistant came in. We waited over half an hour to see her and I felt terrible. I gave her paperwork for refills which she set aside and didn’t look at. Then she blamed me for not giving her the paperwork. I told her I was sick and didn’t appreciate her blaming me and I walked out. Something else I tried to deal with and I lost it.
Then we went to return items my spouse had bought and because I was sick, had a difficult time finding the info I needed for the returns. I was running back and forth to get a cart for his returns. People were looking at me like I’m a crazy woman rushing around with a cart. Afterwards, I cried for about half an hour and wanted to cry more, but we were running errands and I didn’t want to make a scene. I was shaking so bad and it was uncontrollable. Got home, took cold meds and slept for an hour. Felt much better and had a good evening.
Everything is overwhelming, especially people.
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5 ReactionsI don't know if this will be of any help, but I took care of my mother. She had a problem with night urination, needing to go every hour, and I was concerned about her falling. We placed a commode next to her bed,and she was able to manage this quite well. BUT, I was additonally concerned about her possible falling and no one being with her to call for help. I know how difficult it is to get night help and wondered how I could solve this problem. I had two children and boy and girl, and they had two friends. Like most teenagers they were always looking for a way to earn extra money. I had each one of them spend one night a week with my mother. All they had to do was sleep there. If there were a problem to call me or 911. I lived next door. Everyone slept well and secure. No accidents, and no emergency calls, peacfull and happy mornings.
Gina5009
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7 ReactionsOh Janet, I'm sorry sorry you are going through such a tough time. Things seemed to be going so will for you and your husband at your new place. Everything is harder and more overwhelming when you aren't feeling well. Is there anyway you can just take a few day to feel better before dealing with other issues?
Thinking of you,
Trisha
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3 ReactionsThank you Trish.
I needed your empathy and understanding, and to vent! I am trying to be grateful for the many blessings I have, and there are many. I need to work on my patience and stop arguing with Will.
I will try suggesting things to him and that does work sometimes.
My lack of patience is mostly with the staff at doctor offices who don’t have answers and don’t follow up or don’t give me enough information.
And mistakes they make are kind of scary. There are so many people who are not trained properly and not informed and that seems to be across the board. But it is the patients who suffer for the errors made.
Oh the good old days!
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