Frustration with everything. I’m about to lose it

Hello to all you beautiful caregivers and those of you dealing with your own illnesses. I know most people say it is with sadness that I announce someone’s death. But it is not with sadness that I say my Dad passed away this past Wednesday. I am thankful for him and the life he gave us and I am thankful that he is out of pain and at peace. Thank you all for your support and kind words.

After trying to do it all myself, I have come to realize “they” are right. I do need time for myself. I have learned to say yes to a meal when offered, to ask a relative or friend if they might sit with my loved one for a few hours while I run errands or go to the doctor or to watch a grandchild’s concert or sports event, and I now have hired a sitter for a few hours twice a week for a few hours each time. It has been SO freeing. Some days I go out, or I may stay home and do some work undisturbed, or even take a nap. Worth every penny! It enables me to be a better care partner too.
Sending you a hug. We all need more of those too.

I am watching my husband’s memory loss with a great deal of anxiety and sadness. To know that such a brilliant mind can deteriorate like this is depressing. I was told that he could be suffering from a clogged carotid artery. I have called his doctor (who diagnosed Dementia) twice about this but my calls have not been returned. I don’t know who else I can ask about this. I will keep reaching out to friends (without my husband’s knowledge) for help.

My younger brother was epileptic and he had a seizure and a county group home that the courts put him in rather than the Christian Care Facility that I wanted to put him in he had a seizure and broke his back had major surgery in Cincinnati he went to a a skilled Care Facility Skilled Nursing Facility that specialized in wound care they were very good with him when they got him in they put him on hospice the very first day and they said that hospice doesn't mean that they're looking for him to die but that hospice is extra hands that gives extra care and that many people graduate from hospice when they get better unfortunately the moons did not heal on my brother even though they tried very very hard they used all kinds of techniques from hospice and from the nursing home I would recommend a good skilled nursing home and hospice be involved also and that was not my idea that was the head nurse that has been there for 38 years and she's very good and they're whole team was very good even the young people that they had trained I hope you can find a good place or someone that can help you that is very loving and caring the name of the hospice was state of the heart God bless you and pray the best for you and your family

Family are not always the best help sometimes you need skilled nursing sometimes in home nursing hospice is very good hospice doesn't mean that they're going to die or that you're planning for them to Die the nursing home that my brother was in said that hospice was an extra set of hands and extra care and they were and they came in and came alongside of the nursing home which was very specialized in wound care and some other things and my brother needed wound care but he was so bad when he came in that they weren't able to heal his wounds and they tried very hard they went the extra mile and they were very good even the young people that they trained they came in and waited on him and fed him and changed him and so forth they were very good and very kind and he appreciated it and I would recommend that to anyone

Sounds great and good for you! How did you find someone you trust with not only your husband but your home? What do they do with him while they are with him? My husband is still a very proud man and wouldn't want to feel like he's being babysat.
Warmly,
Trisha

Please make an appointment with another doctor to get a second evaluation and opinion. There are many causes for dementia and many types, some of which are treatable. My good friend’s husband was diagnosed with dementia. After more than a year, he was reevaluated and did not have dementia-it was severe depression.
Also, an ultrasound of the carotid arteries is very easy, noninvasive and would show up on that.
I don’t want you to have false hope, but it sounds like you don’t feel like you have all the information you need.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It does seem like you are being hit with many things at once.
I worked in Skilled Nursing homes for many years as a Speech/Language Pathologist and saw everything you are talking about. I was there when the rules changed to remove restraints and bed rails due to the safety problems they caused. I was at Care Plans were it was reported that residents tried to crawl over bed rails and getting hung up in them or falling from a higher place.
Even if someone is sitting in a room, people can get up very fast or become so combative that it is difficult to stop them.

Some of the precautions were alarmed mattresses on the floor next to the bed, so that if the resident put their foot down an alarm would go off. Some had their beds on the floor with the alarmed mattress next to it. Sometimes they would sleep in a recliner next to the nurses station. My Dad had vascular dementia and when he was delusional or hallucinating that is where he slept.
Please remember that no matter what happens, it is not your fault. Often it is no one’s fault, it is the terrible ravages of getting very very elderly.

Thank you for your concern and advice. I shall look into the possibility that a carotid artery may be the cause for my husband’s memory problems. 🙏

At first I used a service who carefully vetted all their workers and I was able to request that the same person come regularly . It was more expensive than private pay but she also did some vacuuming and sweeping for me when she had time. They sang, worked puzzles, played games, had lunch, and just sat out in the sun on pretty days. She took another full time job with better conditions. She got paid less than half of what I paid the service.
Now I have a private pay sitter whom I have known for many years and have known several people in town for whom she worked. I pay her less than the service charged, but a little more than she made at previous jobs. My husband is much farther along on this journey now, doesn’t really engage in games or puzzles, and sleeps a lot. They listen to music, she gives him his meds and lunch, and they watch Gunsmoke and Andy Griffith. One day they participate in a zoom group with other local patients and their caregivers, directed by a local respite program that he’s no longer able to attend in person. When I leave, I usually just tell him briefly where I am going and that our “friend” will hang out with him while I’m gone and I’ll be back soon.
Again, your local Area Agency on Aging, or friends, or church family may be helpful in finding a good fit for your husband.