1. < Caregivers

Frustration with everything. I’m about to lose it

Posted by psp @psp, Mar 4, 2023

Hello, My first time here. Here’s my story.

I’ve been a caregiver for about four years. About 5 years ago my brother died at age 65 from organ failure due to diabetes. At that time my parents and sister decided to move close to me. Shortly after COVID hit my sister was diagnosed with Stage IV small cell lung cancer. I became her caregiver as well as caregiver to my parents that live in assisted living. She passed away two years ago at age 70. Both were smokers, please don’t smoke.

My parents are 94 and 96. They have been living together in assisted living. Not even two weeks ago we had to transfer my father, who is a veteran of WW II, Korea and Vietnam, to Memory Care. This week my father fell and broke his hip. Surgery was successful but after care is difficult due to his dementia and him not understanding what’s going on. Add into the mix that my 94 yo mother who requires a wheelchair to get around is a clinically dx narcissist that makes everything about her.

Besides wanting to slap my mother, (just a saying, I would not do that, I’m a very good daughter and care giver, better than she deserves) I am worried for my father’s safety. I understand the hip surgery was successful and they need to clear the beds but I feel like the hospital dumped my father into a skilled nursing facility (SNF) that isn’t set up to care for him properly. Besides the dementia, he has: macular degeneration, can’t see; very hard of hearing, even with hearing aids; can’t walk by hisself due to the hip and he has vertigo. Yeah, I know, it sucks. Last night was his first night in the SNF. They have him in a bed that he can get in and out of on his own and they only check periodically. He gets sundowners and when he does he is on a mission to walk. I am terrified he is going to get out of bed and fall again. They facility doesn’t seem to think that’s a problem and I’m not sure other facilities would be any better for his situation. How can I help him?What can I do for myself so that I don’t lose it? I’m frustrated and exhausted. I’ve tried behavior modification therapy. That hasn’t helped. I’ve tried talk therapy. My feeling on that is, the situation is what it is and I can’t change it. Talking about something I can’t change just makes me angrier. I know I’m suppose to change how I react. That doesn’t really work. Thanks for letting me vent.

Just as I feared, I just got a call that he almost fell last night. Help what can I do for him?

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Apr 3, 2023
In reply to @psp "Hello @becsbuddy. Thank you for checking in. It has been crazy. My father was released from..." + (show)
@psp

Hello @becsbuddy. Thank you for checking in. It has been crazy. My father was released from skilled nursing last Monday. That afternoon we were notified that they had an outbreak of Covid at that facility. We tested that afternoon. All of us were positive, my parents, my husband and me. All I can think is my poor parents. How cruel this perfect storm has been. I started Hospice for my father that day. They have helped some but my poor mother is exhausted, overwhelmed, in denial and already grieving. My father has deteriorated rapidly and honestly I just hope his peace comes sooner than later. I really appreciate all the words of encouragement from everyone. I’ve taken a lot of deep breaths and I seem to have gotten a second wind for the next phase. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Jump to this post

@psp Oh, no! What poor timing! Are your parents both in assisted living now?
I know you can do this as hard as it is. No, you can’t change the situation and yes, it is hard to change how you react to it. Maybe you could just focus on what you can do. Just small things so you’re mom will know that you’re thinking of her. Daily cards, some flowers, telephone calls, her favorite baked goods, and visits as soon as you test negative. Maybe the facility has a chaplain who could visit, if your Mom wishes.
Just take 1 day at a time. Have you tried meditation. It could be very helpful. I wish I could be of more help, but it is what it is and we can’t change anything. Please stay in touch me when you can.

REPLY
ystoffregen | @ystoffregen | Apr 4, 2023

God bless you and your parents. I’m caring for my husband and when you feel like you’re losing it, u probably are. See if you can unplug for just one day and do something for yourself—hair appointment, rent a motel room and take a nap, whatever. You’ll be surprised at how long you can go with just a little break. Good luck

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tim1028 | @tim1028 | Apr 5, 2023

Any of us who take up the challenge of caregiving are assuming a difficult task. It is essential to care well for yourself when caring for others. Mayo Clinic recently published an excellent Special Report on Caregiving tips that was sent to subscribers of their regular monthly health newsletter. You can get a copy by going to their newsletter website and looking for Special Reports. Another nonprofit national organization that conducts virtual and inperson classes for caregivers is https://powerfultoolsforcaregivers.org You owe it to yourself to get the support you deserve.

REPLY
ann16 | @ann16 | Apr 7, 2023

The challenge with caregiving is that we don't know how long we will be required to be on duty! Years is what I'm talking about!! Wears one out!
The issue is when someone says to take care of yourself, I want to ask if they'd like to sign up to help me out!! It's easier said than done so much of the time!!
So I've made a list of ways someone could help me out, help me take care of me by relieving me of some of the responsibilities I shoulder. Little pick me ups to tell me I am not forgotten as I walk this lonely road!
Could you clean out the drain for the bathroom tub? Shovel snow? Even go out to lunch with me? Bake a loaf of banana bread for us to enjoy? Send me a cute joke you found?
So....take a deep breath, smile at yourself in the mirror! We can make it.....today!

REPLY
1 reply
ranch | @ranch | Apr 8, 2023

A lot of negative comments. I think you have to get positive.Hard to do I know. I have help from relatives every now and then. Once a month or so. I find church members will help. Be kind to them and they will be kind to you and help you

REPLY
trishaanderson | @trishaanderson | Apr 8, 2023
In reply to @ann16 "The challenge with caregiving is that we don't know how long we will be required to..." + (show)
@ann16

The challenge with caregiving is that we don't know how long we will be required to be on duty! Years is what I'm talking about!! Wears one out!
The issue is when someone says to take care of yourself, I want to ask if they'd like to sign up to help me out!! It's easier said than done so much of the time!!
So I've made a list of ways someone could help me out, help me take care of me by relieving me of some of the responsibilities I shoulder. Little pick me ups to tell me I am not forgotten as I walk this lonely road!
Could you clean out the drain for the bathroom tub? Shovel snow? Even go out to lunch with me? Bake a loaf of banana bread for us to enjoy? Send me a cute joke you found?
So....take a deep breath, smile at yourself in the mirror! We can make it.....today!

Jump to this post

I'm so tired of people from doctors, friends and family members (kids) telling me "you have to get some help and some time to yourself"!!!
What do they suggest? I would love something simple as you suggest.

REPLY
1 reply
keepmoving2 | @keepmoving2 | Apr 9, 2023

I recently came across some words of wisdom that work with children, caregivers like yourself and for people like me who have cancer: "Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?"
Let people know - with minimal practice it became easy to say "Could you make me (something specific was easiest) homemade soup? Homemade banana bread? "Take a walk" was very successful. "Help me clean up my yard". It is possible you don't know where to start but baby steps started me on the path. Sometimes it was me saying " I need help. How can you help me (or my problem)" . Once I was honest with myself in each situation of whether I wanted help, or just to vent, or just needed a hug - which people surprisingly are happy to freely give - life started to be easier. So here at Mayo Clinic Connect - we are happy to hear you, help you and send you a big hug!

REPLY
ann16 | @ann16 | Apr 9, 2023

I really like the "helped, heard or hugged" comment! Helps me be specific about what I need!!

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tasher3433 | @tasher3433 | Apr 9, 2023

Hi All! Please always know you are not invisible. I know it feels like that more often than not, but not so! And speaking up about specific help for YOU, allows others to let you know you are important too.
Yeah. It’s hard to ask anyone for help. I believe we almost condition ourselves to be indispensable, but we all know that’s not so. I found after 1 year as a post kidney transplant caregiver that 5 people stepped up when I took an out of town trip. And it was wonderful, to be away, and to return knowing the world had not stopped.
Find your wonderful voice. I hug you All.

REPLY
lynnecp | @lynnecp | Apr 15, 2023

@psp Helped, heard, hugged is a beautiful saying. When I was caregiving for my husband, I found maintaining a Caring. Bridge account to be extremely helpful. It allowed me to be heard in a way that didn’t entail draining phone calls, and the loving and caring responses we got bolstered us during some dark days. It also allowed me to be very specific in asking for help. Meals 3x a week, please send cards, can you walk with my husband, he could use some male company, he’s having another surgery, please pray. Caregiving is HARD, acknowledge that, and give yourself time to grieve, and time to rest. Hang in there, this group has our hands on your back.

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