Frustration with everything. I’m about to lose it

@psp You’re in a very difficult situation and i can’t solve many things, but i can give you some suggestions and tell you why some things in nursing homes and hospitals are the way they are. I was a hospital nurse for many years and understand the frustration that you have. “Patient safety” rules were put in place some 20 years ago, which many nurses felt had nothing to do with patient safety. Thus, the bed that your dad can get out of easily. Side rails and restraints were considered dangerous. (When not used properly, they can be dangerous). Also, staffing, especially at night, is not what families would like. Families, where I worked, would hire off-duty nurse’s aides to sit in the wandering patient’s room to prevent night time wandering.
Your father had become very familiar with the assisted living facility he lived in. A fall, a transfer to a hospital, surgery and then another transfer to a SNF causes an increase in disorientation. And, no, the patient doesn’t understand because their mind is in a whirlwind of changes. I’m really sorry it’s like this for you and I probably sound like a real battle-ax, but I do understand and just want to give you a big hug.
Now, you need to look forward to the day when your dad can go back to the assisted living apartment.. Check carefully: is the apartment safe for your dad to wander at night, can some furniture be moved so he has a clear path, does the staff do checks at night? Once your dad is ‘home,’ he will probably settle down and return to his old routine.
Did your dad have a habit of wandering at night before the fall?

@becsbuddy Thank you for the hug and info. Yes my father does get sundowner and wander at night. That is why we had recently moved him to Memory Care. Unfortunately, only a week in, MC is where he fell and broke his hip. I’m looking into getting him one of the special walkers that would go completely around him and has a built in seat. I’m also looking into hiring sitters and what the facilities rules are on that.

Wish l could be of any help but l'm here to listen whenever you need to vent.

My 82 yr old father-in-law (polio survivor) has late stage vascular dementia with sundowning and cataplexy events associated with narolepsy, minimal leg strength due to polio. He fell during a delusional eposide and broke his hip. Five family members supplemented his hospital care 24hrs/day to keep him safe even though he was on video watch most of the time. Many times security was called on him during delusional episodes. The hospital placed him in a rehab facility which wouldn't allow him to stay (after we admitted him) unless we continued the 24 hr family staffing. The stress on us was so high as during this same time as I realized that my husband has early dementia symptoms at age 58, which he over time admitted to knowing about and has spoken with his 61 yr old brother who has Lewy Body dementia, mid-stage. The stress is so high, I sympathize with you. Ask for a prescription for a bed rail. Are bed alarms allowed at any memory care centers in your area? If you are able to afford additional staffing and want him to stay there, do it. It is peace of mind. He may settle in after awhile, but while his hip is healing and there is such a risk for another fall, these patients are high need and the facilities cannot staff bedside 24hrs. Hope this helps.

I am so sorry for your father and your situation. My mother was in similar. She was in and out of assisted living and then a level of more care where the staff gave out meds and insured patient took them, and finally she went to the highest level of care (outside memory care) as after back surgery she was having frequent falling accidents.
Our parent/s in this condition is very stressful as I found that to insure her safety and good care I had to be in the care facility checking on her and the staff every single day! When family could not go, we hired a nurse to be with her. In fact we begin hiring the nurse one day a week so family could get time off. This went on for several years until she died. And yet she died in a care facility. At her home place, she politely got up from the table to show another person to a chair and fell and broke her pelvis. Then she had to go to a rehab center care facility. She was on heavy pain killers and the care facility did not provide her with a laxative. She strained having a bowel movement which perforated her bowel and she died of sepsis two days later. I was furious with myself for not staying longer the night it happened and blamed myself for not doing enough. I say this not to depress or horrify you but to help you realize that most facilities are hopelessly understaffed and the staff they do have is often of dubious background and training (would you do the sad and heavily responsible work of care home workers for minimum wage?) That was the loss of my innocence about places that care for the elderly. Enlist family and friends to help you and drop in on your person often and have your friends drop in so that staff realize people are going to insure appropriate care. If anyone notices that a patient is lacking help, go find someone on staff or go to the desk and report the problem. They may not always be happy to hear that the mess your mother made when she was ill the other night is still in the bottom of her shower or that she is saying they never take the time to vacuum her room, or that no one will help her open her window, or that her trash has not been emptied in two weeks, etc. Another thing we did as a family was get to know the families of other residents, especially those who lived around my mother. Often I could help them by checking on their parent when I was there and similarly they would look in on my Mom when I couldn't. I found, after my mother died, that I did not regret one thing I had done for her but only wished I could have done more. Hang in and hang on and take heart knowing that you will be so glad you were there.
And discover where you can get nursing care help--social workers attached to the hospitals often know of options, or sometimes through insurance, county programs or medicare. Our country can do much better in this area, but until they step up we are at bat. ps. I think this was off topic but it seems many of us are dealing with this stressful issue. Blessings to you.

@athena2023 and @1965dra Thank you for your wonderful suggestions! Your experiences will be a goldmine for other mentors! Thank you

If in-home paid 24 hr care by a CNA or nurse or caring person would be an option, it is a good way to provide that round-the-clock supervision and allows the patient to be in their home longer. Even at our hospital, the only floor/unit that is able to provide one-to-one care is the ICU. Blessings to you through this difficult journey.

Bless you and so sorry for your loss.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and your words of encouragement. My heart goes out to all of you. I am the only family my parents have left and I know I cannot do this alone. I feel pretty good now. I have hired someone to stay with my dad at night. The facility where my parents live have been very accomodating and are working with us to send my dad back with my mom after he’s released, rather than sending him back to MC. I will continue with additional CNA care as needed. I’m also meeting with pallative care/hospice care to see how they can help after the transition back to AL. Thank you everyone!!!!

Dear friend I understand a little bit about what you're going through my wife is having problems eating food I go from one place to another trying to get things that she can eat she can eat it once or twice and then I have to find another place I try cooking it doesn't work just occasionally I can cook something and she'll eat it but only for maybe a day or two then she has to have something else and we're running out of a variety we've gone to every kind of fast food place and restaurant which is not the best kind of food for but it's better than her and eating nothing our daughters help when they can they all have families and jobs it's very difficult and I just trust in the Lord I pray to him daily I ask for help at church and I might ask for prayer at different churches the Lord Jesus Christ is in control of everything and he's in control of Our Lives he wants us to turn to him and trust him as Lord and savior he died on the cross for our sins that we might have eternal life and life life in this world he promised us that in this world we would have tribulations but sure that he is overcome the world and that he's prepared a better place for us and he also will help in this life he's a great physician and he will help but not always in the way that we think that he should because Eternal things are much more important all his Parables taught that Eternal things are more important than temporal things and sometimes we don't understand that I'll pray for you my brother and I hope that your father is doing better God bless him I pray that you would get him a chaplain or Christian Pastor to help pray for him and encourage him and counsel him