Ashamed: I think about (and plan for) dying. Do you?

I hear you. I took care of my mom when she was dying too.

Hang in there.

I did I planned on dying. I knew something was wrong, thought I might be dying. I hadn't been to Dr. In over 20 years. I smoked little cigar's. My breathing got worst , I got weaker and weaker. I thought I was going to dye like a Man, not whining ,or saying anything. Friends of mine. Got me to a hospital. I'll try to shorten this up. 3 months, had double lobectomy on my right lung. I lived, was not expected to. Found out I was ready to dye but wasn't ready to live. 2 years later I'm just now figuring out how live.

I may be new to cancer but you shouldn’t ever be ashamed specially of that. My god, your given a diagnosis of a terrible disease and they don’t give you a hand book at the same time on how to deal, handle, react, feel, answer, dress, talk, explain and on and on the never ending things that come with a cancer diagnosis. Like answering questions from your 10 year old grandson when he asks “Nana will you die before Christmas?” to question like “Are you going with cremation and a small wake or a whole funeral?” So please don’t feel ashamed for asking, questioning, wondering about anything when your diagnosis, it’s a hurricane of emotions with a roller coaster of information topped off with a earthquake of people wanting and needing knowledge. I look at it like this “Cancer is like a designer outfit, it’s one of a kind, but it wears on everyone differently!” Ask as much as you want, knowledge is power!

Well said!

I'm obviously in a minority, but I'm fine thinking about death. When I first got a poor prognosis--neuroendocrine tumor 8 months ago--I immediately pre-paid and pre-planned my funeral. I come from an immigrant family, and was raised to not burden the family financially by ignoring these things. I bought a plot almost 30 years ago, when I was in my early forties. I've always liked graveyards--the peacefulness, the urban oasis, the history and sometimes famous people buried there. I'm a great fan of Harriet Tubman, and once visited her grave and brought flowers.
That said, I'm interested in "life to its fullest." We can try to remember that sadness, exhaustion, even dullness are part of life. To me, being a person--being myself--is the fullest. I almost died when I was 21, when I first learned this. Now, as I currently feel pretty good, I see my friends, dote on my husband, walk, read, write, do a bit of freelance in my field, dance, pray, hang out with daughter & grand baby, take road trips, go to concerts, am out in nature...it's beautiful, and I love it. I've basically retired from "shoulds." I'm quite aware of mortality, but the last six months--once I got over the initial shock and made treatment decisions--have been among the happiest in my life. Yes, I'm also worried and concerned. But this is very special. Best regards to all on this chat.

I commend you as this makes life more enjoyable as not worrying about what family will have to do in event of death. I made my living will and took care of some other financial matters and made sure things were in order and advised my adult sons about what I wanted to be done. Gave me peace about it. I am still going and doing as well as can be but knowing things in place does make a difference. Enjoy life to the fullest.

I agree with mir123 and quimbie. My prognosis is 5 months. I’ve chosen quality of life over chemo & other drugs that have unpleasant side affects and very low longevity rate. I feel fine at this stage, it know I won’t always feel this good. I’m 75 & have lived a good life, made a difference in other’s lives and continue pouring into others.
I am a Christian and look forward to my new home in heaven.

My Living Will has been updated, mortuary insurance in place, funeral ‘suggestions’ written, contact list in a spreadsheet, PowerPoint of my life nearly completed, individual letters to my children and grandchildren almost ready to share with them individually.
Ok, so that’s all a bit OCD!
As the weather clears and warms, I expect to be outside and active & interactive. So, having this tedious stuff out of the way, PERHAPS I can relax. (That’s tough for us OCDers 😄)
I am at peace with my lot.

Your attitude is inspirational! I think that ordinary mundane things and spiritual things often reflect each other--so taking care of practical matters can really bring a sense of peace.

I know exactly about the whirlwind still in it. first month that is all I thought about. Then what is suppose to happen next do I take care of myself or just accept dying. This is the worst thing I went through. Anger, shame, embarrassment, constant crying. everyone discussed what I needed to do, what really matters is acceptance and 1 day at 2am god said accept it and get on with it.

I so totally agree with you! I have no idea at this point where I am as far as time left but I know I’m done with biopsies etc and feeling like crap after them and getting weak. I just want to be my normal active self (before tests) and enjoy my life the best I can for as long as I can! I’m 85 and just bought myself another (much less powerful motorcycle) more like a scooter but goes faster. So hoping this weakness goes away soon. Good luck to you and prayers you get lots of good quality time!