My husband won’t stop arguing with his mom 🥺

Posted by djghost5000 @djghost5000, Feb 20, 2023

I’m beside myself in anguish because my husband refuses to stop asking his mom questions like “remember you did,” “remember you said”, “why are you doing…?” And always in a heated manner. And she is always in defense mode. I keep begging him to get a hold of himself because now my MIL hides things she’s doing or does unsafe things to show us she’s independent- which she is far from. And her anxiety is through the roof. They both go from zero to 100 in just 5 words of conversation. He leaves for HOURS on end and then questions her when he returns like she’ll remember what she did. I know this is partially between a man who understandably can’t cope with losing the mother he knows before his eyes and a stubborn man who just wants to do everything his way and not the way countless people have suggested (who have experienced a parent with dementia) including the doctor. I have no real say and trying to pick up the pieces daily has become a cornerstone of my life now. If anyone else has gone through this, how did you finally cope or fix it? I had to move out for my sanity and to escape the gaslighting he does to me and I have to help from afar (I am 90% her caretaker for the last 4 years only because I saw things not getting done). Now I’m praying without me there constantly he’s forced to handle the situation better. I can’t step completely out of the picture because I understand his situation and why he’s falling apart. It would be irresponsible of me to just walk away but what good are we to her if we BOTH fall apart. He won’t go get help or get in a group so I’m hoping to let him read these blogs and pray he starts to understand the damage he may be causing to her and her steady, rapid decline. What do I do?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

teacher502 | @teacher502 | Feb 21, 2023

Oh, my heart breaks for you. It sounds like you have lovingly and sacrificially handled a huge burden and a terrible situation for a very long time. I am not there, but have experienced an abusive situation where gaslighting was present. It is very draining and damaging to everyone that is in the line of attack. The fact that you had to move out causes alarms to go off in my head and my heart. From your brief description, could this be considered elder abuse? Another thing that comes to mind - could your husband be experiencing the beginning of some type of neurological illness or MCI? When her doctor mentiones ways to handle situations and he does things his way, would the doctor be able to help more by being made aware of the changes in the situation or the daily confrontations? Is this the way that your husband and his mother have always responded to each other? So many questions but you are a hero for trying to make life better for both of them. Since she is becoming a danger to herself, would it be possible for her to have more in home supervision or perhaps assisted living or a memory care center? That would relieve her of the burden of trying to pretend that she is OK, and allow your husband to visit in a setting where her needs are met and he doesn't have to be the primary caretaker.
Dementia is a horrific thief and will change the loved one in unpredictable ways. Daily life is only going to get worse not better. "Do you remember" phrases cause more anxiety for the loved one and confrontations escalate anxiety and awareness that he/she is changing. Love and patience beyond measure are the best coping methods for the person with Dementia and for the caregiver. I hope you get some answers from this blog, however it seems that you know them already and more action through outside sources is greatly needed for your husbands well being and for your MIL. I do hope that you can find some peace for your heart and some answers before this situation escalates. May you receive an extra large amount of peace and grace as you try to resolve the many situations you are facing.
Sending you a big air hug....

centre | @centre | Feb 21, 2023

Is there any person he listens to? When I was in Home Care, often it was an adult grandchild. Maybe a guy friend? Does he belong to a social organization (Odd Fellows, etc), maybe a friend there? Your pastor if you have one? He’ll be mad you shared, but I think he would be courteous to the person as they’re important in his life.

larryg333 | @larryg333 | Feb 21, 2023

Husband needs a dementia support group... maybe a men's group would be best. Also anger management, and education as to what his proper role should be. He would also do well to hire a responsible, experienced caregiver that would allow him a respite from his "care."

Mother needs protection from his elder abuse, and appropriate care / support.

You're so right, DJG... if both you and your husband are destroying each other in the process, then it's best that you're not there until you may be able to safely return. Tough situation to be in... so sorry for you. But the mother would certainly be worse off without EITHER of you.

Don't think others in similar situations don't deal with the sometimes heavy-duty stress of dementia caregiving. Sadly, the situation you're dealing with is not a unique occurrence.

Wish all of you the best going forward. You did the right thing IMHO.

Prayers,

/LarryG

Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Feb 23, 2023

djghost5000- I am agreeing with everyone else that you have made the correct move to protect yourself and maybe your mil. I believe that her doctor needs to know and that it should be your husband that needs to move out, not you.

Please stay strong in this and take care of yourself and your unselfish protection of your mother-in-law.