@bcwarrior ,
I understand where you are coming from. I’m sorry you see it that way. It is a problem with online forums. Straight text lacks all emotion and can easily be taken out of context, but here it goes.

I love my wife more than I love anyone in this world. We live a typical family, me, wife, three kids, and three beagles. Middle class all the way. We are fairly religious, not over the top but go to church every Sunday. In all that time I had one simple request and only one prayer. God keeps my family, safe, healthy, and close. I would do all the rest. I never prayed for a boat or money or anything. I would work, save and handle everything else. He kept his side of the bargain until now. In a matter of 1 month I questioned my faith and feared for my wife. I cannot imagine growing old without her by my side. Over the years I have socked away money so when I passed away she would be covered. I’ve never saw it going any other way. All of a sudden the roles may be changing and I am not at all prepared for that.

Have you ever wondered why I joined a breast cancer support group and not a caretaker’s one. That is because I want her point of view. I can’t get that from other caretakers, only others who are going through what she is going through. I know she is scared and I know she resist talking to me because she looking out for me. She tries to shield me as much as I shield her. I am so stressed and total loss of sleep. When I write a post it tends to be when I am up half the night crying. I try to hide it (poorly) from her, she reads me like a book. I also know I am kind of in unfriendly waters. A healthy man in a group of sick women (sick probability not the best word but I couldn’t come up with a better one). I knew my presence would ruffle some feathers and I would take some punches but that okay I it helps me understand Nancy better. And hopefully a few of you have had some stress relief punching me, that’s good too. I can take it.

I have never gone through anything like this and I don’t want to mess it up. If you read my post, their goal is to learn. Even the first one that got everyone riled up. I was never going to push her into doing anything she didn’t want. I just wanted to make sure all the data was in front of her so she could make an informed decision. A good decision today stands the test of time and will be a good decision in three years. I didn’t want her to wake up one day and wish she took a different path. I told her in the very beginning, there are no good choices here just less bad ones. She had to decide between looking in a mirror and seeing scars or grabbing her boobs everyday worrying. Which would she prefer? Now if it was me, I would have taken the more conservative approach and went with a lumpectomy. It is a one way street and lumpectomy can always become a mastectomy but a mastectomy can never become a lumpectomy. But that’s me, not her. She had to make that call. Though I was crushed when she never talked to me about it and didn’t tell me advance of telling the surgeon. And I know you are very “My body, My choice” and in truth I agree with you, but I am sorry that was wrong of her. Thirty years of marriage she should have talked to me and I should have never been blindsided like that. It is the curse of loving someone so much; they are the ones who can hurt you the most.

Now I will admit some of my post have been when I was hurting and angry. Not my best moments, at those times, you guys became my screaming pillow. I get it, she is going through far more worry and fear then I am, but like it or not, better or worse, this is a team event. I was never letting her go through this journey alone. By doing it as a team we will all come out stronger.

If you read all my post you hopefully see where I was sending love to others. For example @colleenyoung I thanked her for all the work she does helping sad people like myself. Also look at the run called “today is day one”. I told her this was a great forum and reminder her that she was not alone. I even gave her a rose.
As far as your question about the like/helpful/hug thing. Well that just seems like a Facebook thing to me. Just not really my mojo.

I do thank you for the time you have spent writing to me. It has all been helpful with processing a crazy time, even when you have been, let’s say a little mean. For all that, a rose for you @)))--}--}—

A little long, sorry, oh and for those of you who said I need professional help, I have an appt Wednesday. And yes, a team effort, Nancy will be by my side.

Hey there @bcwarrior , easy there champ-fyi the post vibe compliments the handle…
Thanks, your post is beneficial to a newcomer (me), who is learning how to use the forum; technical rules as well as socially/situationally appropriate practices & unintended faux pas’.

Honorable mention to @gpigford, thanks for the conversation. My advice about women is that there can be 2 hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes, baby crying and cooking breakfast and we will have played 100 scenarios -some rational/irrational and (keeping in mind how decision affects everyone first), before you approach us and it hurts us twice not being able to understand we begin the day analyzing our bodies. Adding to the guilt we feel for being sick and feeling like a burden no matter what anyone says. I have 5 brothers I’m very close to grew up with and a wonderful husband I never thought I needed or wanted and am so thankful for. You made me cringe & giggle: God bless both sex’s because clearly we don’t understand each other.

I say leave it alone, but should you feel the need to broach the subject; think about how you might feel if the discussion were about your “real best friend “/replace it in every question, comment and thought you’ve had about it.
2) really reread your convo starter and pay attention to what’s not in most of the responses.

Sorry I tend to woman/manSplain sometimes.
Everyone have a blessed day ☀️