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My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision
Caregivers | Last Active: Apr 30, 2023 | Replies (142)Comment receiving replies
Hello everyone, Thank you for all your comments, thoughts, and prayers. This has been a tough process and we hope to make it to the other side without being too broken. This thread has helped us a great deal. One person asked why I was on this website while the wife was not. Good point, I gave her my Username and PW. So now she can read everything and even post herself under one acct.
Some talked about their experiences and how they did. Many gave words of encouragement. My favorite was by MIR123. I really hope she realize how much her little paragraph help me and my family. I am so grateful that she took 5 minutes to write and not just continue past. After my wife read it, she realized that it is not all about her. True the bulk of the weight will be carried by her, it still affects us all and we still get say in what is to happen. This family of ours have walked together though some good times and not so good times. This will not be different. Following MIR123 example we now have a family meeting after Tuesday dinner. We update everyone on where things stand and we address any concerns.
Some gave words that were a little judgmental and hurtful. I was told to remove myself from the decision. I was asked if I thought I would get people to agree with me over my wife’s decision. If I was the one with cancer would I want to hear her opinion? On and on. The simple truth of the matter is I love my wife and would do anything for her. If I could remove her cancer and put it in me, I would do it without question. Men are the protectors, we are the rocks who pretend not to cry. We pretend nothing can hurt us. We try to show how tough we are so our family will believe that we can do anything through sheer will and grit. The truth is we are scared and the family will realize we are not as tough as we pretend to be. We are scared of life without our wives next to us.
The whole “My Body, My Decision” has taken on new meaning to me. It is such a lonely and isolating slogan. While the women defiantly has the overall control. It is not just her. Everyone else loses too. No one would put her health at risk. No one wants her to go through unnecessary pain. Everyone wants the stuff to go as best as it can. We all fight together and we all get a say.
Again special thanks to MIR123. A big thanks to everyone else. And I truly do hope you all come out victorious in your fight!!
Replies to "Hello everyone, Thank you for all your comments, thoughts, and prayers. This has been a tough..."
One of the great things about this message board is to have a safe place to share your thoughts and concerns, looking for or giving thought and encouragement. One of the more difficult things is to put a tone to someone's words when we are only reading words and not seeing body posture and hearing the heart of the other speaking in real time. There are many other ways to communicate our intentions.
I want to say I'm sorry if what I shared was hurtful. It was not meant to be. What I read in your initial post was a man who hurt for his wife, wanting her to make the right decision, with his primary concern being the sexual function she would lose with a mastectomy. Forgive me if that was not your intention, but it is what I gathered from your post. Of course you love your wife - but it was in the why of your hope for her that caused me to speak so openly and honestly.
Our husbands have no easy task - supporting a wife with breast cancer. My husband and I often talk about how his journey was so very difficult as well. (still is, as we move through the aftermath even years later). I am not a girl-power sorta woman, who does not seek her husband's counsel; in fact, just the opposite. I would have loved for him to make the decision for me on what to do. It was extremely difficult to have to decide. . . but his support outweighed his decision for me. Ultimately, I had to make the decision, my husband could not . . . and of course, I wanted to make the RIGHT one (whatever that would be). His thoughts mattered greatly. And I needed his support, regardless of what the final choice would be. When I said the choice must be your wife's, it is because she will have to live with the the results of the choice. I'm thinking about the decision of marriage. . . even that is an individual choice. It affects two people (actually, many others), and yet one person cannot make the decision for another. It must be done within an individual person's heart, mind, and spirit. I'm not sure if that analogy helps, but it's what comes to mind when I'm explaining this individual-choice thing.
A woman's choice is not all about her. . . it affects everyone who loves her. I have 14 grandchildren, so I truly understand this. I'll be married 40 years this year. . . and my husband is my best friend. I ached for him to decide for me. . . but I had to walk that decision on my own, after all of the input had been given. I could not let him carry the burden of a choice-gone-wrong if he had made it, nor would I blame him for influencing me in a way that I regretted. We talked about it fully, gave each other space to deal with what was ahead, and then we forged on - together.
Again, forgive me if I misunderstood your passion for a path based upon sexual feelings and experiences. My hunch was and is that she understands the weight of the cost (with a mastectomy). And she realizes it will affect you both.
I pray you all do what is best for you both. Sometimes it just takes time to uncover what that is. And of course, tensions might run amuck while you attempt to uncover it . . . but I firmly believe "love covers a multitude of sins" (I Peter 4:8). I could not have made this journey without the loving support of my husband. His feelings and his thoughts matter.
Hope this helps.
Wow, I regret most of this post so I deleted it. You obviously need help we cannot provide. PLEASE dig deeper into the 10-year plan for your wife. Are having breasts really that important if we're not feeding our babies? If I had to do it all over again I would have chosen the bilateral, instead of the 10-year plan that didn't work anyway!!! 15 years later (and nearly dying) I'm now in more pain from all the side effects and medications that I would not have had to take. No chemo, no radiation, no estrogen blockers and no cancer in the back of my mind 24/7. I'm happy to hear it's being discussed with the whole family but still leaning toward your wife's original decision - bilateral. She's the one who was by her sister's side daily for both cancers and watched her struggle in pain and sadly dies. I wish I could have those years back. I would be healthier and happier now. Many prayers for your family's upcoming journey.
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@gpigford, I appreciate your returning to share how this discussion has been helpful, and sometimes hurtful, and that you, your wife and your family have taken the nuggets that strengthened you and your resolve to do what is right for your family.
I'm tagging @mir123 to make sure she sees your post and your gratitude.
I honestly believe that everyone reading and participating in this discussion has the opportunity to learn from it. While the shared diagnosis is breast cancer, the decisions and our stories remain unique.