waiting for natural speedy death - life ruined by ssri and benzos

I took short bout of SSRI and benzo in May due to anxiety. I experienced bad physical side effects - increased palpitations, anxiety, nausea and decided to quit CT. I immediately experienced insomnia upon CT and couldn't sleep till now. Even if i do managed to sleep (broken 1 -2 hours), it will be like light sleep, with many images and sight.
I used to be able to sleep like a baby before these drugs, I could nap in the afternoon and evening. These days, even several drowsy antihistamine couldn't give me the sleepy feeling etc. My eyes are totally dried and vision is getting poor.

Because of prolonged insomnia, I've begun to experience daily 24/7 head tension and pressure, I couldn't go out for days and weeks and would feel giddy and extreme pain when I'm out. Hence, I'm bedridden and homebound most of the time. I am very anxious when I go out and the brain said please remember everything you see and will flash those images of people i walked past, seen or heard randomly. Due to prolonged insomnia, I don't know how to sleep, my ideal of sleep is just shutting my eyes and then the brain will "entertain" me with images, music. I have a singing brain too with 24/7 earworm of various songs. Example, if i see the word "jump", my brain will start singing madonna 's jump song

My brain has also been very warped, creating visual images of everything and leaking these images or past suppressed memories from my subconscious to me. Hence, I need to be constantly distracted with a hp/monitor.

I have attempted suicide by overdosing many times as my life is entirely ruined by these drugs. I couldn't step out of the flat, not to mention work. Z sleeping drugs could only work for once or twice by giving me 4 hours of sleep then it stopped working .

My life is ruined . Psychiatrists, counsellors i went to just simply dismissed by symptoms as anxiety. Neurologist refused to lay a finger on me - preferring to refer me to the psychiatrist for insomnia and symptomatic treatment. I have been to the ERs several times due to head tension and pressure and all scans are clear. I cannot imagine living like that for the rest of my life. It's been 6 months of endless, daily suffering and torture. I am only in my 30s, I long to work, have kids and live life to the fullest but now, everyday I am only praying for speedy natural death and god's mercy.