Depression and Shame

@marjou
I can relate to what you've shared. As I look back I realize that I have have ebbs and flows of mood throughout my life. I now recognize that I had my first major depressive episode in my early twenties. That was a long time ago and I had few coping skills and no idea how to get help. And I felt a lot of shame for how I felt. Like you, I hid my feelings from all but my family. When I started my career I was so afraid that co-workers and others would find out that I hid how I felt because I thought too much about what other people thought of me and that got in the way of me. Does this make sense to you?

Hiding how you feel brings even more sad mood, anxiety, and more and more shame. Once I shared (selectively) I felt somewhat better. I opened up with close friends and since then I've discovered that many, many people share what I feel. When I learned coping skills in cognitive-behavioral therapy and learned to accept how I feel and practicing self-compassion a I began to function better and feel less depressed. No, my depression did not completely resolve but it got better day by day. When I have those low periods - and they do come - with experience I learned I can take of myself better. I use a combination of anti-depressant medication and therapy.

Who can you talk to so you can decrease the isolation and secrets you hold about yourself? Do you have a therapist? A family member? Are you interested in talking with your family doctor about a trial of medication?

How sad that you have continuous depressions. I have learned that a depression though is something that goes away, they are not there to stay. If you are always depressed this might be disthymia. Even though this is sometimes considered less sever it can have a serious impact on your life.
I found a link for you:
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/dysthymia
Maybe this helps to understand it.

Of course this doesn't make things easier to cope with. I had a few depressions in my life. They were intense and made my life difficult; mostly because I was alone, and lonely.
One had to do with a lack of B12 and the GP at the time was so concerned that he came over for a week, every day, to give me a shot. This really made a big difference and many of the physical symptoms began to go away. The rest followed.

@naturegirl5 Thank you for your comments. To answer some of your questions have tried CBT but current therapist isn’t helpful because it seems changed style or method of therapy which puts me in more stress. Living in rural area and COVID has changed therapy for those of us with mental health challenges. Am medication resistant so no meds. One or two friends and family non involved.

@marjou I live in a rural area too and even though there are more therapists in my area than in 2019 most filled their calendars very quickly. My state (Michigan) allows therapists licensed in this state to do virtual therapy and bill insurance. Does your state allow this?

And I get you about modes of therapy. I think the biggest issue is finding someone you feel you connect with. In fact, the research supports this very thing. The years of experience of the therapist and that interpersonal connection predicts better outcomes than the type of method of treatment.

What do you think about my comments about depression and shame which motivated your first post? Does my experience resonate with you and your experience?

@ellamster Thanks for your comments. Am medication resistant and this has been proven by all the antidepressants I’ve tried and hospitalizations, ECT, CBT with no help. Have always wondered about B12/shots and will address with my doctor. The info on dysthymia along with being bipolar seems to be me.

I have had depression for years and taken different meds for it. For me, unfortunately, my oldest daughter found out and she shames me about it. Since having Covid in October 2021 and coming out of the hospital my oldest daughter seemed to be more understanding. That stopped! I don’t know how to cope with her or the depression. Just letting you know others are out here too.

It can be confusing yes, but a depression by default goes away by itself and normally doesn't last that long. Dysthymia though is a tough thing to tackle, also because there is usually not a good 'cure' other than therapy.

You have nothing to be ashamed of! I am proud of you for discussing this!
There are many of us who feel “different” most days, and never mention it it, because really, it seems no one else would care.
I found out about a huge circle of friends suffering the same way when one incredible woman stood up and declared she takes “the pink pill”. From there it snowballed across the internet. I kept mine hidden for decades. One thing that makes a difference for me, and it might only be me, is that before I get out of bed in the morning, I choose: this will be a GOOD day, or this will be a BAD day. Not saying I don’t sometimes crawl back into that bed! Do not let others shame you! You have already carried the weight of so many things. Your feelings and well-being are important. I hug you from afar. Choose your Day and accept it, for today.