1. < Loss & Grief

Loss of husband: I'm only existing, how do I live again?

Posted by thisismarilynb @thisismarilynb, Apr 20, 2022

We were married 59 years. I don't feel like a person anymore. Shortly after his death, I had to have a full hip replacement and was alone. I feel I will never be the same. I am not living, only existing.

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leerizz | @leerizz | May 6, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I do not believe I need to call the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I acknowledge that I..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I do not believe I need to call the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I acknowledge that I did feel I did not want to live at a very low point in my life. But having said that, I believe it is a sin to take one's life and I also gave my son my solemn promise that I would not harm myself.

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Yes, it is sin to take one's life according to my faith. Agreed. Keep persevering life is tough at times but there is much beauty we can embrace. Grief - loss is sometimes overwhelming we've had some losses and we still grieve and at times cry our tears. Miss our loved ones so very much.

God bless.

May the Lord bless you and protect you - may the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you -
May the Lord show you His favor and give you His peace.

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thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | May 6, 2022
In reply to @IndianaScott "Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988 for free to talk to a counsellor at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

These folks are trained to help in ways beyond what we might be able to offer here online. Plus hearing a live voice and talking things through with a trained professional can be invaluable.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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I am not contemplating suicide. That was one night feeling low. A lot of people responded but I felt they didn't read my message correctly. If they had they should have noticed that I went on to say that I promised my son I would never harm myself. We all say a lot of things. Sometimes you get angry and say things like I would like to kill so-and-so. But most of us sane people do not go out to buy a gun and actually do it.

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wealshiremedina | @wealshiremedina | May 6, 2022
In reply to @harriethodgson1 "I think every person, including me, asks themselves this question after a loved one dies. When..." + (show)
@harriethodgson1

I think every person, including me, asks themselves this question after a loved one dies. When my husband's health was failing, I began to answer the question. First, I knew my husband would want me to enjoy life and be happy. Second, I knew we shared the same values. Third, I knew my husband loved me for eternity because he called and told me so when I was quarantined for Covid. (Tested positive, no symptoms.) With these things in mind, I made some important decisions. Because each day is a gift, I would enjoy the miracle of life. Giving to medical/health organizations and volunteering would be ways to continue his work. (My husband was a physician.) Most importantly, I could build on his love and open my heart to new experiences and the future. Today, I live in the apartment we shared. I'm Assistant Editor of a website for the bereaved. I've written three books for the bereaved and have a children's book coming out in September. I was my husband's caregiver and started creating doodle art to cope with stress. Now I'm a doodle artist. My husband's love is always with me, part of me and part of my soul. Try to build on your husband's love and live life in memory of him.

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Harriet-

I would love to know the books you have written!! Would like to read.

Thanks,
Linda

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1 reply
wealshiremedina | @wealshiremedina | May 6, 2022
In reply to @harriethodgson1 "I think every person, including me, asks themselves this question after a loved one dies. When..." + (show)
@harriethodgson1

I think every person, including me, asks themselves this question after a loved one dies. When my husband's health was failing, I began to answer the question. First, I knew my husband would want me to enjoy life and be happy. Second, I knew we shared the same values. Third, I knew my husband loved me for eternity because he called and told me so when I was quarantined for Covid. (Tested positive, no symptoms.) With these things in mind, I made some important decisions. Because each day is a gift, I would enjoy the miracle of life. Giving to medical/health organizations and volunteering would be ways to continue his work. (My husband was a physician.) Most importantly, I could build on his love and open my heart to new experiences and the future. Today, I live in the apartment we shared. I'm Assistant Editor of a website for the bereaved. I've written three books for the bereaved and have a children's book coming out in September. I was my husband's caregiver and started creating doodle art to cope with stress. Now I'm a doodle artist. My husband's love is always with me, part of me and part of my soul. Try to build on your husband's love and live life in memory of him.

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Harriet-

I lost my husband last August and handled my grief well.
I lost my dear labradoodle a month ago. He was my best friend during my husband's long dementia illness. Which book do you recommend I read.

Thanks,
Linda

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Harriet Hodgson | @harriethodgson1 | May 6, 2022
In reply to @wealshiremedina "Harriet- I would love to know the books you have written!! Would like to read. Thanks,..." + (show)
@wealshiremedina

Harriet-

I would love to know the books you have written!! Would like to read.

Thanks,
Linda

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Linda, I'm not supposed to promote myself on this website. Please go to Amazon for more information about my grief books. The book I wrote and illustrated is probably best for you. Parents are giving it to kids who have suffered the loss of a pet.

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2 replies
wealshiremedina | @wealshiremedina | May 6, 2022
In reply to @harriethodgson1 "Linda, I'm not supposed to promote myself on this website. Please go to Amazon for more..." + (show)
@harriethodgson1

Linda, I'm not supposed to promote myself on this website. Please go to Amazon for more information about my grief books. The book I wrote and illustrated is probably best for you. Parents are giving it to kids who have suffered the loss of a pet.

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thanks!!

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | May 6, 2022
In reply to @harriethodgson1 "Linda, I'm not supposed to promote myself on this website. Please go to Amazon for more..." + (show)
@harriethodgson1

Linda, I'm not supposed to promote myself on this website. Please go to Amazon for more information about my grief books. The book I wrote and illustrated is probably best for you. Parents are giving it to kids who have suffered the loss of a pet.

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Posts with the sole intent of commercial gain are not permitted on Mayo Clinic Connect. And I thank Harriet for respecting that community guideline.

However, her writings are highly relevant for healing and to this group. So allow me to blow her horn. She's created quite the library.

Harriet Hodgson, author
https://www.amazon.com/Harriet-Hodgson/e/B001K8MXR4%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share

cc @wealshiremedina

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1 reply
Harriet Hodgson | @harriethodgson1 | May 6, 2022
In reply to @colleenyoung "Posts with the sole intent of commercial gain are not permitted on Mayo Clinic Connect. And..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

Posts with the sole intent of commercial gain are not permitted on Mayo Clinic Connect. And I thank Harriet for respecting that community guideline.

However, her writings are highly relevant for healing and to this group. So allow me to blow her horn. She's created quite the library.

Harriet Hodgson, author
https://www.amazon.com/Harriet-Hodgson/e/B001K8MXR4%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share

cc @wealshiremedina

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Thanks for your kindness Colleen.

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Deb | @dg0797 | May 9, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

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I understand your loneliness. You mentioned traveling a long distance for therapy sessions. My daughter does her therapy virtually. Do you have that option? Please don't hurt yourself. Get yourself up and out of the house for a little bit each day. Not only will the fresh air help your mood, but it will give you purpose. Consider volunteering at a local school, hospital, or community group. In my case, it is very rewarding to help someone else in need. I never forget the loss of my husband, but I honor his memory by helping someone else.

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1 reply
mikaylar | @mikaylar | May 9, 2022
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

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Just think about this.......swallowing pills isn't gonna make you just go to sleep. Heck, if it were that easy everyone with a problem would do it. You will have pain, seizures, not able to breathe, on and on. Doesn't seeing your son, hearing the birds, seeing the sunshine seem so much enjoyable? Your husband would want you to enjoy life for the both of you.

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