Loss of husband: I'm only existing, how do I live again?

It is not so easy. Losing him is not the only thing going on. We had no inkling this was coming. He fell and broke his femur. We was in one of those so-called skilled nursing facilities. Ha! He kept getting infection after infection. In three months we was gone. Then I had a full hip replacement. Not due to a fall. Just bone on bone. Had to go through this alone. The facility I was in was pure hell. Now my youngest son has decided to cut me out of his family. Next week my granddaughter is getting married but I was specifically told I was not welcome. It all too much to handle. I tried going for counseling but I had to drive 23 miles on interstate 10 one way. Then back. Too much stress. But I did promise my oldest son I would not harm myself so even though in the darkness of night and my life it is tempting, I will not do so.

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

Thank you for your kind words, Mikayla, but I am a humanist. My feelings are that a child is created through a biological process. I have no problem with others believing what they want. The process works the other way, however. I know other humanists have been criticized for their beliefs, but to me they are just as valid.

@thisismarilynb I am so glad to see you posting this morning. Do you see/read the support you are receiving from us here?

Was the person you were seeing for therapy someone you "clicked" with? Can you do telehealth or zoom with them? Are there friends or neighbors near you to reach out to? Take a deep breath, and do go to the library today! The power of those books all lined up, waiting for you to explore them, can't be denied!

As for your granddaughter's wedding, remember the refusal to include you is about them, not about you. Heaven only knows what might have set them off. Send a lovely card, a small gift, to rejoice in that union, and let them know you are thinking about her. On that day take yourself out for a nice meal, and an adventure.

What will you do today to bring a smile to your face?
Ginger

Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988 for free to talk to a counsellor at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

These folks are trained to help in ways beyond what we might be able to offer here online. Plus hearing a live voice and talking things through with a trained professional can be invaluable.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Does your church or local hospital have grief groups? If so, you may attend a couple of meetings before signing up. Check out online support communities too.

I have two sons. He is the eldest. Unfortunately he does not live anywhere near me at all. He is a teacher (like his father) and has a wonderful job which he loves in Nanjing, China. We try to skype at least once a week. There is a huge time difference between us. He also will phone and/or email. As far as the younger son is concerned, we are estranged. His daughter (my granddaughter) is getting married next week but I was explicitly told I was not welcome. I am quite sure this is contributing to my feelings. I did try therapy but had to stop. It was a 23 mile drive on Interstate 10 each way. Talk about stressful! It wasn't worth it. As I look out my window, it is sunny and quiet. If I can get my engine running, I would like to go to the library today. My hip is still bothering me and at my session yesterday my therapist told me she is going to request six more weeks. Without my husband by my side, it is so hard to cope with this all alone.

Good morning @thisismarilynb Given what you just posted, I would suggest you call or text 988 for free to talk to a counsellor at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

These folks are trained to help in ways beyond what we might be able to offer here online. Plus hearing a live voice and talking things through with a trained professional can be invaluable.

Strength, Courage, & Peace