Grief and Childlessness: Can't have my own

@micheleinok

I appreciate your post, because I see that you have chose to count your blessings rather than dwell on that which is missing. Gratitude for what we have is an important way to deal with any loss. Thank you for sharing this important thought.

Teresa

I had multiple Fibroid tumors, they caused all sorts of issues. I tried medication, depo shot, they suggested ablation, but were doubtful of the outcome. I opted after, long discussions with my Hubby, to have the surgery. It was sad but at the same time relieving of symptoms. It wasn't a total removal, so hormones were not required. Hubby was very supportive through all of it, and even now. I know he wanted at least 1 of 'ours', but that wasn't meant to be. When his kids came to live with us, it was very hard at first. Major adjustment for me, and them. I was raised in a very stern household ran by my Step-mom. I hate that word (Step). Dad and Mom had one child, my brother Scott. So I was raised in a mixture of steps, half's, and so-on. I always felt like the odd one out, never really accepted. This is probably why I keep reaching out to family to keep what little bond I have still viable.

@micheleinok

You seem to have a great deal of insight into yourself, that is so good.

Teresa

Hello @16 cats

I also am unable to have a baby naturally. We have been trying for 5 years. During Fertility acupuncture it was suggested that I get hormone tests. Two weeks after that I was getting brain sigery to partially resect a meningioma aka brain tumor. That was two years ago. I feel your pain it is a constant battle in your head that not everyone can understand. Finally accepting that a child was not a possibility for me was debilitating. I went through months and months of depression and self hatred. My father was diagnosed with cancer that year as well, so I was facing feelings of helplessness and just hating myself. I am also a step mom so I am greatful I have my boys in my life to keep me busy and give my life purpose. It can feel almost like your less of a women by society’s standards, your friends, husband, and family members can not relate to the feeling of loss you feel. Depression can be managed but sometimes it’s hard to put on a happy face when you don’t feel particularly happy. One day I decided that though my genes will die with me, I will not give up on my main goal in life and that was to provide nurturing, care, and encouragement for the people that I love. You do not have to give birth to provide life. I became a bone marrow donor, and kidney donor. I can do these things without hurting my family and I can still give life, my life to help someone live. Please understand that you are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your life has value. Wishing and sending you strength and love to fight this battle. As i know from personal experience it can be devastating

Hello Micheleinok
This is creeping me out. Lol. I used to hate the word step to! Also can’t have kids naturally but have had step kids for a while now. It’s a very hard job, because the decisions and scheduled are made between the biological parents. I feel for you it can get hectic. As much as they push your buttons, then they do something cute and I am all googly eyed again. Lol

Forgot to mention I am one of four sisters and we combined have three mothers. I completely know how you feel about being the odd man out. I am half korean and half caucasian. So no matter which family I was with I looked adopted. Lol

Also forgot to mention that I was just diagnosed two days ago with a hemmoragic ovarian cyst and the found one fibroid. I am thinking this is just the start because once you get one fibroid there are sure to be more that follow. Heck if I can’t have babies anyways I say the just take my uterous now. Lol. It isn’t doing me any good anyways.

Just wanted to mention that I changed the title of this discussion thread so that it reflected the discussion a bit more and so that others could see at a glance the discussion they can join here. The new title is: Grief and Childlessness: Can't have my own.

You might start by looking at ALL the problems you haven't faced due to your child-free life. Some kids, no matter how you raise them, are never going to be able to manage life and by not bringing them into this world, you have avoided these problems. I once was child-free and suddenly we had one on the way. She is not mentally well and is over 40 years old. She caused grief during her childhood that most do not face.

Hi @eileena, Certainly one can experience grief for a life that never was as anticipated. An expecting parent can't help but envision life as they think it will be. This discussion is for people who grieve not being able to have children. It isn't a place to decide who is grieving more.
To talk more about raising a child with special needs, I invite you to take part in this discussion:
- Mother of special need children losing her mind https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/mother-of-special-need-children-losing-her-mind/
Or perhaps you'd like to start a new discussion specifically about parenting a child with mental illness. Here's how to start a new discussion:
1. Go to the Mental Health group homepage here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/mental-health/
2. Click the START A DISCUSSION button.
3. Enter a title. Something like “Parenting a Child with Mental Illness”
4. Write your message.
5. Click CREATE DISCUSSION