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Best response for bad news?

Posted by Laurie, Volunteer Mentor @roch, Feb 25, 2022

@rhongirl posted a discussion in breast cancer group after someone said "hope you make it" after learning about her diagnosis, see her post for more details.

That got me thinking of various responses I got when people found out about my cancer. Some helpful, some not. I heard "sorry" so often I learned to hate that word. Even though it was said with good intentions.

From that experience I hope I respond appropriately when someone shares bad news with me.

Please share what responses were most helpful / encouraging when you shared bad news about a medical diagnosis.

Laurie

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

ejrquast | @ejrquast | Mar 7, 2022
In reply to @IndianaScott "Hi @roch You bring up a good issue for sure! Just my personal opinion, but I'd..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Hi @roch You bring up a good issue for sure! Just my personal opinion, but I'd say two things: First, I believe there is no "one size fits all" response to bad news. We need to adjust our words to how well we know the person and what the bad news is they are experiencing. Second, from my experiences after losing my wife I can say with 100% certainty, it was far, far better for my family and me if someone said anything as opposed to those who remained silent and never said anything to us. We never criticized anyone for the words they used to express their support, concern, love, etc.

In writing, I often begin with "I know words are inadequate at a time like this, however...."

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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Excellent advise!

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ejrquast | @ejrquast | Mar 7, 2022
In reply to @imallears "@gingerw Hi, I have been reading all the good posts on this subject. If you are..." + (show)
@imallears

@gingerw

Hi,

I have been reading all the good posts on this subject. If you are comfortable with whatever response you have and it is heartfelt, that comes across to the other person as sincere. If you know that person well, they know you and will be grateful for whatever you say. If you don’t know that person well, it doesn’t matter what you say as long as it is genuine and , in the midst of their grief, they probably will not remember much of what anyone says.

It really doesn’t matter…go with your instinct and your personality .

FL Mary

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This is a thought-provoking response for me because I vividly remember some responses I received. Some “instinct” responses can be hurtful. Be kind.

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imallears | @imallears | Mar 7, 2022

@ejrquast

Absolutely be kind. But we have all come across too many people that instinctively say hurtful things in any situation. That’s who they are.
I have known too many personalities like that and they don’t stop to think at all before they say something. When I know someone like that and the response is inappropriate or unkind I kind of dismiss it if it directed at me because I am not surprised. I might scold someone quietly depending on the circumstances.

Getting off the topic here …let your kindness shine through.

FL Mary

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scottij | @scottij | Mar 8, 2022

I clicked this topic out of interest and the source is not in my wheelhouse. That is, I do not have breast cancer. However, I found the kinds of responses to my heart issues and subsequent transplant fell into three categories. First of passive sorrow, the "I'm sorry", dominated the sample. I found them to be mostly hollow. Second of encouragement, the "You can do this" were better but lacking. I know I am tough and do not need to be reminded. The last was the best, least offered, and frankly hardest to handle. Those were summed in the phrase, "What can I do", and followed up with action.
Just my two cents.
Best always,
s!

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Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Mar 8, 2022

I have a long-time friend. He lives several states away and his son is fighting a losing battle with a cancer. I've often wondered what to do/say on those days we chat on the phone and he is particularly down. I've asked frequently how I can help and always been told there's nothing. So this last time I decided to take Nike's advice and 'Just Do It' and sent them some cookies from my favorite bakery. As it happened they arrived the day they had just transferred their grandchild to live with them for a while. He sent me a picture of a very happy little girl and said they were a perfect pick-me-up on a very down day.

So sometimes, while we never know, just doing something from our heart works wonders.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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margomoody | @margomoody | Mar 8, 2022

Yes, the right words are always difficult, I totally agree. Be kind, and yes what can I do for you, always be there for the person. Life is so difficult these days. Try and check on the person, let him or her know your always there. Margo Moody

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1 reply
margomoody | @margomoody | Mar 8, 2022
In reply to @margomoody "Yes, the right words are always difficult, I totally agree. Be kind, and yes what can..." + (show)
@margomoody

Yes, the right words are always difficult, I totally agree. Be kind, and yes what can I do for you, always be there for the person. Life is so difficult these days. Try and check on the person, let him or her know your always there. Margo Moody

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Thank you!!!

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