@gingerw thanks for your response. I am under the care of a psych dr, and am in the process of switching therapists at the moment. I haven't brought up this particular topic, though I did discuss my grief over my donor with my previous therapist. I was unable to come to a satisfactory conclusion about my grief. Im just hoping I will be able to accept and get over it with time. Its difficult to discuss these things because very few people understand, and I'm afraid of the platitudes that many people will (and have) offered.

I spoke to a peer mentor from the National Kidney Foundation about this topic( I've been speaking with her about twice a month) and she did her best to reassure me and provide encouragement. The problem is thats the words of encouragement just seem to bounce off.

Identifying what specific thing I could do to honor my donor is difficult. I have a lot of ideas about what I should be doing-- exersizing more, eating better, being more productive, just being happier and more content with my life--but they are vague and driven by an odd sense of guilt. Which makes me not want to do them at all.

I just feel like I should be happier, I shouldn't struggle so much with my mental health. I feel like my donor and their family would be disappointed in me because I still struggle to find motivation to do simple things. I know part of this is probably depression, and it is an issue I'm in the process of addressing with my psychiatrist. But I just feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do, because I've been given this incredible gift.

I guess I almost thought getting a kidney would solve a lot of my problems. And it did to some extent. But life is still life. And there are still struggles and issues to deal with. I suppose I just thought being healthier( i.e not being on dialysis) would make things better, easier, more simple.

Expectation and reality are often at odds. I just need to figure out how to get rid of this guilt that I'm carrying around, and then I truly feel like I can embrace this gift--and my life as a whole. I am just not sure how to do that yet.