I feel unworthy.
This goes along with my previous post about greif over my kidney donor….I've just been thinking and feeling recently that I'm not worthy. That I'm not worthy of this transplant….
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in high school and gained the ptsd diagnosis from some events that happened when I was a child.
I just keep thinking if I didn't have these mental health issues…then I would be worthy. Then I would be worthy of this kidney. But I just feel like a fraud. Like I've stolen something precious from someone else who is more deserving…
There have been a variety of times in my life I've struggled with my mental health and diagnosis. But…it just seems like recently–when I started thinking about my donor– my mental health diagnosis makes me ashamed. I can't be good enough for them. No matter what I do, because my brain is inherently broken.
If I was normal, I would be worthy of them. Of their gift. But I'll never be normal, and I'll never be worthy. And the thought of living with that feeling the rest of my life is depressing, and discouraging. I want to honor them. To be someone who is worthy. But I don't know how to convince myself that I am….