How about a laugh, (hopefully)

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when

she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan

and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week

and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now,

Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,

ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fertility candle.

I went into the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

FL Mary

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing the the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

FL Mary

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. he asks “what for?”
“I want to kill my husband.” he says “Sorry, I can’t do that”
she then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.
He says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

click it

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God

She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. 💄💋💅🏻

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"🚑

God replied:

" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time

A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn't move at all. She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck.
Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a
mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection
and could not find anything wrong.
Eventually, he asked the blonde, " Are you sure you're using the right gears?"
"Of course I am. I'm not stupid. I use "D" during the day and "N" at night!"
🤦‍♀️🤣

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day .....And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded ...'I'll tell you though, be all the saints, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.''You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.'No, from the bloody skipping!'

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.