How about a laugh, (hopefully)

Just try & please a woman, never satisfied.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you.
So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

This is me!

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show that I don’t like because the remote control fell on the floor.

You’re better than watching the Late Show!

father bill and reverend tom pass each other on the way to their respective services on sunday morning each of them rides a bike.

one sunday the rev is walking instead of riding and the good father asks where’s your bike? dunno father i think someone’s stolen it. Bill replies ‘’well things were going missin round the church at one stage, damn catholics will take anything not nailed down, so one sunday i’d had enough so I did the ten commandments for the sermon and laid it on real thick, by next sunday everything was back in the church.’’

thanks for the suggestion father ill keep that in mind.

next week he’s got his bike back. “so how did it go? reverend tom replies” well i did the ten commandments like you said laying it on thick as, and when I got to though shalt not commit adultery, i remembered were i left the bike!

Nurse puns

1. Q: Why did the nurse need a red crayon?

A: She needed to draw blood.

Submitted by Jen O’Callahghan, nursing student, Lansing, New York

2. Q: Why are nurses afraid of the outdoors?

A: Too much poison IV.

Submitted by nurse Phuong Ly, Stanford Health Care, California.

3. Q: What do transplant nurses hate?

A: Rejection.

4. Q: How do you know when a nurse is having a bad day?

A: She won’t stop needling people.

5. Never upset a pediatric nurse. They have very little patients.

6. Q: What did the nurse say to the man who fainted at the airport terminal?

A: I think you might have a terminal illness.

Hospital jokes

8. Q: What is it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?

A: A mid-wife crisis!

Submitted by nurses Anna Tran and Simran Arora, Stanford Health Care, California

10. A patient arrived at the ER via an ambulance with minor burns on his legs. His shoes and the bottoms of his jeans are charred. The doctor asks what happened, and the patient says he was trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard, and things got out of hand. The doctor noted his breath reeked of alcohol and asked him if he had been drinking. The patient adamantly says no. The doctor couldn’t resist a setup like this and looked the man directly in the eye and said, “liar, liar, pants on fire.” Everyone had a good laugh, except the patient, who was so drunk it went over his head.

11. I went to visit my sister at the hospital, but after driving around the only parking spot I found was in the C section. I had to climb out of the sunroof.

12. Q: Why does the infectious disease ward at the hospital have the fastest Wi-Fi?

A: Because it has all the hot spots.

A New York woman was at her eastside hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome. She mentioned her upcoming trip and he responded, "Rome?, Rome? Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded, it's dirty and worse yet, it's full of Italians! You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying out on Continental", she replied. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline! Their planes are old, the attendants are ugly, and they're always late! Where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be staying at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called "Palatza."

"Phewww! Say no more! I know that place! What a dump! Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really the worst! The rooms are small, the service surly and it's overpriced! So, what are you going to be doing when you're there?"

"We're going to the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"Ha! That's rich!" laughed the hairdresser. "You and another million people! Good luck on this lousy trip of yours!"

A month later the woman returns for her next appointment. She is all smiles.

"So," the hairdresser asks, "How was Rome?"

"Absolutely wonderful!" replied the woman, "Not only did we arrive on time on one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and we got upgraded to first class. The food, wine and service were excellent!' AND, the hotel had just spent over five million dollars in renovation! It was a real jewel, the finest in the city!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually," the woman said, "as we toured the Vatican, one of the Swiss Guards tapped me on the shoulder and explained that often the Pope likes to meet some visitors personally and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private waiting room, the Pope would personally meet me. Sure enough, not five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "What did he say?"

"He said: Where did you get that lousy hairdo?"

A priest and nun were driving through the mountains to get to the new Abbey. Near nightfall the car broke down in an isolated area with no cell coverage. They decided to walk and luckily, just as the sun was setting, stumbled upon one of those survival cabins that are equiped with the necessities for just this sort of occurance.

The priest started a small fire in the stove while the nun opened a few cans of food for a light meal.

There was only one bed but plenty of blankets so the priest told the nun to sleep in the bed and he would sleep on the floor. They called it a night and the priest was just nodding off when the nun says, ‘Boy, it sure is cold’.

The priest gets out of his makeshift bed, walks over to the cabinet, opens the door and grabs a blanket and spreads it out over the nun. He gets back into his floor bed and is just nodding off to sleep again when the nun says, “Boy! It is REALLY cold”.

The priest sighs heavily and once again makes his way to the cabinet wear he retrieves yet another blanket and spreads it over the other one.

He is tiredly drifting off to sleep again when the nun says, “I just can’t explain it. I just can’t seem to get warm up here in this bed all alone!”

The priest props himself up on one elbow. “You know Sister, we are out here all alone, a million miles from anything.” Sister replies, ‘Yes, you are correct’.

The priest continues, “And we could theoretically do anything we wanted and no one but us would know the difference.” Sister agrees again. Priest sits up a little more and leans closer to the bed, “So, just for tonight, Sister, would you like to pretend we are just an old married couple?” The nun giggles just a little and says, ‘Yes, that is what I was hoping’.

Priest says, “Ok then, get your own blanket!”

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow, and she has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house, so I bought her a magazine rack.

A man goes and sees a wizard and says,
“can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?”
“maybe” said the wizard
“If you can remember the exact words of the curse”
The man replies,
“I now pronounce you man and wife”