desperate for help

I totally get it! As if the depression and anxiety aren't paralyzing enough, then we get the guilt and shame on top of it! I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I've been struggling with my depression and anxiety most of my life and I'm 50 years old now. I find that I sometimes have a hard time doing anything, especially things that could help, like exercise, and eating better. I was journaling again, allowing it to be messy and random allowed me more freedom with it, and that helped. I really connect with what you said about a fear of doing things wrong, so not doing them at all, and feeling like you aren't doing your share. I'm so glad to hear that your wife is understanding and supportive. I'm in a fairly new relationship, but he is patient and kind. He doesn't put any expectations on me, and loves me "as is". He knows things may never get better, and could definitely get worse, but he says he's in it for the long haul. Being accepted and loved exactly as I am has gone a long way in helping me to see value in myself as a person, but then I feel like I'm still not DOING anything, so what does it matter? And of course there's that caviat of, how can you truly love someone else when you don't truly love yourself? Well I kind of think it's a chicken and egg kind of thing, it can go both ways, either can come first. I needed to feel LOVABLE first. But I digress... I constantly feel like I'm letting my bf and my family down. I end up rescheduling my parent's doctor's appointments because I just won't be up to it that day. Then I hate myself for it, which makes everything worse. I want to share some positive things here, though instead of just commiserating. Being outside isn't always doable, many days I dont leave the house, but the fresh air does help, and now that spring is here, I find that just sitting in the sun can do wonders. If you're able to do any kind of meditation, or creative visualization or relaxation techniques, that can give your brain something to chew on besides negative rumination. I find that being aware of my thinking is really important. Maybe I'm worrying about something I have no control over, so when I realise that,
I do my best to make myself switch gears mentally and sometimes physically as well. Sometimes just getting up and getting a drink of water can help you start bgg thinking about something else. And they say that repeated affirmations can really create new neural pathways in the brain. The more we do things to combat all our negative thoughts, the easier it gets, and I really have found this to be true! I have found that music can have a huge effect on my mood, and have to remember to use it. I think pets can be a really big help too! I dont know if any of this has helped. But like Larry said, it's important to just remember that you are not alone, and that you ARE NOT a bad person, you just struggle with a debilitating illness, and you can't judge yourself based on that. We're all in this together. I'm glad we're here for each other. I don't know if we're allowed to share personal info? But my email is molliemegan@gmail.com if anyone wants to reach out. I might not be able to much with my life, but if there's anything I can do to help someone else who struggles with their mental health, I'll be glad to do it. 🙃

@molliemegan Wow! I relate to so much to what you've shared and thank you. My depression is unrelenting and has its claws in for the long haul! Am medication resistant meaning nothing has worked (meds nor various treatments like ECT, biofeedback, PTSD, etc.). Have isolated so much , and COVID didn't help, so to not subject others to the black hole of depression and mood swings that I must live with. In my case family is not an option as a resource, but I do have a couple of good friends. At this point I feel no joy just depression all day every day...it's the familiar. Occasionally I seek out therapist but feel worse than better. Tried journaling but lately have nothing to write along with low energy and lack clear thinking.
I'm writing here because I can so relate. Again, thank you for sharing.

@marjou Your post this morning really touched my heart. I’m so sorry you have this deep level of depression and mood swings. You mentioned trying medications and tools for overcoming this and nothing has worked.

I’m a generally overly-perky person, so when I went spiraled down into a deep depression in my early 40s for no discernible reason it was frightening. I had mood swings and an all encompassing dark veil around me constantly. There was nothing negative going on in my life. It just happened! It was debilitating, my 10 year old daughter and husband suffered along with me as their lives were greatly affected as well.

Blood tests from my gynecologist at the time showed a serious hormonal imbalance due to my hitting peri menopause. It was recommend I take hormone replacement therapy. Since my mother had issues with the mainstream HRT, I wasn’t keen on taking them. However, my doctor was open to alternative medicine and prescribed a plant based hormone balancing cream instead, Rebalancing my hormones made all the difference in the world! I applied the cream in 1/4 tsp amounts once per day on my arm and it was like a miracle drug for me, completely restoring my annoyingly perky demeanor.

I’m curious if you’re doctor has ever run a hormone test on you?
It’s just a thought and in no way meant to be a diagnosis. I’ve found a couple of articles relating to this.
Peace...Lori.
https://renewmetoday.com/blog/2020/07/13/why-hormone-imbalance-cause-depression-and-anxiety/
https://www.endocrineweb.com/hormonal-imbalances-depression

@marjou Your post this morning really touched my heart. I’m so sorry you have this deep level of depression and mood swings. You mentioned trying medications and tools for overcoming this and nothing has worked.

I’m a generally overly-perky person, so when I went spiraled down into a deep depression in my early 40s for no discernible reason it was frightening. I had mood swings and an all encompassing dark veil around me constantly. There was nothing negative going on in my life. It just happened! It was debilitating, my 10 year old daughter and husband suffered along with me as their lives were greatly affected as well.

Blood tests from my gynecologist at the time showed a serious hormonal imbalance due to my hitting peri menopause. It was recommend I take hormone replacement therapy. Since my mother had issues with the mainstream HRT, I wasn’t keen on taking them. However, my doctor was open to alternative medicine and prescribed a plant based hormone balancing cream instead, Rebalancing my hormones made all the difference in the world! I applied the cream in 1/4 tsp amounts once per day on my arm and it was like a miracle drug for me, completely restoring my annoyingly perky demeanor.

I’m curious if you’re doctor has ever run a hormone test on you?
It’s just a thought and in no way meant to be a diagnosis. I’ve found a couple of articles relating to this.
Peace...Lori.
https://renewmetoday.com/blog/2020/07/13/why-hormone-imbalance-cause-depression-and-anxiety/
https://www.endocrineweb.com/hormonal-imbalances-depression

@marjou. By the way, I love the photo on your bio. Is this your artwork?

@loribmt How nice of you to reach out. Yes have had hormones test after pressing my GP for this with no real results. Seems that I fall into a general sort of category. HRT is not a viable option for me because of high estrogen and breast cancer in my family. Am in post menopausal phase of life and depression seems worse and unrelenting.
Have therapist and psychologist appointment this week but don't expect much relief from either. Thanks for your suggestion.

@gingerw Very well stated. There are therapists deserving of the title. From my own experience hard to find. Being in the senior community I do not agree with lenient attitudes I have seen in the mental health system. Scary to me and some of those here know my attitude when it comes to this profession.
Your words made healthy sense.