1. < Depression & Anxiety

desperate for help

Posted by paparaines @paparaines, May 17, 2021

Hello, I am new to this website and I am not sure where to start, so here is my background. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and have had this for many years. The last 3 years have really been the worst. I wake up each day dreading to face the day of anxiety and stress, finding myself often paralyzed to do anything. I stress out over things that are not real or that I just can not face like mowing or going on an errand by myself. I have lost all joy and desire to do things I used to like working outside on our property, doing my hobby of target shooting, etc. I am so sad and often dark all the time. I find my memory is sketchy both long and short term. I feel isolated from family and friends except for my wife and occasionally our son’s family for special events. I really just want to stay inside, on the couch, doing nothing, where it feels safe and I do not have to face my anxiety. I feel lonely, even though my wife is here and is really supportive of me. In fact, I have become very dependent on her for doing everything, which makes me feel bad/ashamed/guilty for not doing my share. I have had problems going to and staying asleep, though in the last 2 weeks that has improved some with low dose Serequel. I had major picnic attacks, which seem to have subsided with the addition of Rexulti. I have a psychiatrist who has been working with me to find the right med balance- it has only had limited success- I was told I may have a medication resistant form of depression I started seeing a psychologist for cognitive therapy ( only about 6 times), but she moved her practice and I have had no success in finding someone- most of them are not taking any more patients- still looking. What I really was hoping for was a med that would just work and turn off this depression and let me live my life. My wife tells me this is not realistic and that it needs to be a multipronged treatment,. Just writing this has been stressful. I came here because she suggested I might connect with others who are or have experienced what I am going through and perhaps I might find more strategies to help me deal with this daily fear and anxiety and depression that has robed me of my life, because right now I fear it will never go away.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

paparaines | @paparaines | May 23, 2021
In reply to @buyearly "Thank you for your bravery in posting. I, too, am that shy, depressed/bipolar for about 50..." + (show)
@buyearly

Thank you for your bravery in posting. I, too, am that shy, depressed/bipolar for about 50 yrs., tried almost every med on the market which didn't help! I was finally led to a Dr. who prescribed Lithium and I've been taking it for almost 30 yrs with almost no side effects. I know every body is different and how we process Rx's but maybe you could look into it. That, with prayer and Bible study can get you through. Also, NEVER give up and keep working with Drs. to help you.

Jump to this post

First of all I want to express my sincere appreciation to all of you who have reached out to me with your help and support. I have suffered from depression for the last 3 years. Like most of you I feel lonely and cut off from the world. My wife has been totally supportive during all of this and a great source of moral support. My Dr has had me on 300mg of bupropion for the last 9mo or so and 2mg of Rexulti for the last 4mo and Serotonin to help me sleep through the nite. I feel paralized and unable to get up off the couch to do anything helpful. To rectify this I have begun to make a list of things to be done so I can cross them off as they are accomplished. This seems to help me keep things straight and organized. I walk out to the main road each day to get the mail and get me out of the house. I have found my Bible and prayer to be a great resource as well. I can’t imagine how I could manage all of this by myself. I really need help to get through this. I just want to get well and be my normal happy self. This shouldn’t be happening to me and I can’t understand how all this happened.

REPLY
hearttoheart1 | @hearttoheart1 | May 24, 2021

Hello
You are indeed with friends here
I sense positivity already in your message
Making a list and following them thru is positive
Soon when you go to collect the mail you might go a few steps further...
And your wife is your support
You are blessed already
Slow and steady wins the race
You are doing well
Keep positive

REPLY
authorchris | @authorchris | May 24, 2021

If you're able to walk to the mailbox, I would suggest you try to increase the amount of walking you do. And do it mid day when you'll also have the benefit of Vitamin D from the sun. It has helped me a lot as I cannot tolerate any anti-depressant meds.

REPLY
authorchris | @authorchris | May 24, 2021
In reply to @zaa "It’s good that you know you need nature and interactions with people. I’ve had major depression..." + (show)
@zaa

It’s good that you know you need nature and interactions with people. I’ve had major depression for 15+ years and take my meds which help. I find that I withdraw from everything sometimes which is worse thing one can do. I’ve used SAD lights in middle of winter and belong to gym to socialize and do yoga. I’m also very much alone and that feeling can make it worse. Have you tried taking up something new....like meditation, yoga, music is great to listen to or play instrument. I’m trying to learn piano which helped me over this COVID year. Had a circle of friends that I walked with this winter and spring which I think saved me. Thankfully, this winter wasn’t a bad one and got out most days.

Jump to this post

I've been waiting for the restrictions to be completely lifted. Then I'll be seeking a group ukulele class. I agree that learning something new is great therapy for the brain and I need more people in my life. My circle of friends are aging rapidly and are somewhat limited as to what they do. I need some younger, more active people in my life.

REPLY
1 reply
sunshinestacy | @sunshinestacy | May 28, 2021

What about anything for your anxiety like Valium or something. I have your same issues and just to live I have to take klonopin

REPLY
Larry | @larryh123 | May 29, 2021

Hello-
In reading through your post - in many respects I could be reading about me. My docs call it Major Neurocogvitive Disorder. Apathy, depression, anxiety are all part of the package for me. Like you, I dont like to go out of the house much. When asked to make a decision it is very difficult. I can go back and forth on something - something as simple as choosing a piece of fruit. I procrastinate about many things. I think for me it is in the back of my mind - I probably couldn’t do the job right without messing something up - which just makes things worse. I walk on egg shell around my wife most of the time thinking I am doing something to make her mad - which I really am not.
My wife is my best friend and probably the only one I have had a desire to be close to.

This was going on for for a few years and because of another issue - not related - led me to go see a neurologist.
I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Depression apathy, anxiety can all be part of that so that is where we left it.

Fast forward 2 years and my memory was getting weird. Things i used to do in my sleep (figuratively) I was struggling to do. I was in a career where multitasking is a must, I was losing that ability as well.
They started doing neuropsych testing and after a few years of noticing declines. Those tests along with a few others leads to where I am today. I wont go into the details as to where I am now.

I say all of this -as a little therapy for myself to vent a little - but to also let you know what you are feeling - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know it can feel like it. But what we deal with is a very real thing and affects a good portion of the population.
Support groups like these are great. I belong to a few FB groups as well.

I tried many meds over the years. Most caused me problems because of the Parkinson’s. There is a laundry lis of meds I need to stay away from. That makes it difficult to try meds - even for digestive and urological issues - some of the meds dont mix well with PD.

My only outlet for relief is a medical grade CBD.

For me - there was an underlying condition that took many yers to develop to the point it could be diagnosed.
I’m not suggesting that is the case for you.

I’m not sure if any of that helps. I hope some of it might help to let you know you are not alone.

Peace
Larry

REPLY
2 replies
paparaines | @paparaines | Jun 1, 2021
In reply to @larryh123 "Hello- In reading through your post - in many respects I could be reading about me...." + (show)
@larryh123

Hello-
In reading through your post - in many respects I could be reading about me. My docs call it Major Neurocogvitive Disorder. Apathy, depression, anxiety are all part of the package for me. Like you, I dont like to go out of the house much. When asked to make a decision it is very difficult. I can go back and forth on something - something as simple as choosing a piece of fruit. I procrastinate about many things. I think for me it is in the back of my mind - I probably couldn’t do the job right without messing something up - which just makes things worse. I walk on egg shell around my wife most of the time thinking I am doing something to make her mad - which I really am not.
My wife is my best friend and probably the only one I have had a desire to be close to.

This was going on for for a few years and because of another issue - not related - led me to go see a neurologist.
I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Depression apathy, anxiety can all be part of that so that is where we left it.

Fast forward 2 years and my memory was getting weird. Things i used to do in my sleep (figuratively) I was struggling to do. I was in a career where multitasking is a must, I was losing that ability as well.
They started doing neuropsych testing and after a few years of noticing declines. Those tests along with a few others leads to where I am today. I wont go into the details as to where I am now.

I say all of this -as a little therapy for myself to vent a little - but to also let you know what you are feeling - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know it can feel like it. But what we deal with is a very real thing and affects a good portion of the population.
Support groups like these are great. I belong to a few FB groups as well.

I tried many meds over the years. Most caused me problems because of the Parkinson’s. There is a laundry lis of meds I need to stay away from. That makes it difficult to try meds - even for digestive and urological issues - some of the meds dont mix well with PD.

My only outlet for relief is a medical grade CBD.

For me - there was an underlying condition that took many yers to develop to the point it could be diagnosed.
I’m not suggesting that is the case for you.

I’m not sure if any of that helps. I hope some of it might help to let you know you are not alone.

Peace
Larry

Jump to this post

Once again I want to thank you for your understanding and support. Help seems so far away though. We still haven’t found a therapist to help me get an understanding of what is causing all this confusion. When I am around people I don’t feel comfortable so I pull back and won’t engage willingly. I still don’t find pleasure in doing things I used to enjoy. The only way I can get anything accomplished is to force myself to get it done. It’s a miserable way to spend my life. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me and how all this happened.

REPLY
clutch | @clutch | Jun 1, 2021
In reply to @larryh123 "Hello- In reading through your post - in many respects I could be reading about me...." + (show)
@larryh123

Hello-
In reading through your post - in many respects I could be reading about me. My docs call it Major Neurocogvitive Disorder. Apathy, depression, anxiety are all part of the package for me. Like you, I dont like to go out of the house much. When asked to make a decision it is very difficult. I can go back and forth on something - something as simple as choosing a piece of fruit. I procrastinate about many things. I think for me it is in the back of my mind - I probably couldn’t do the job right without messing something up - which just makes things worse. I walk on egg shell around my wife most of the time thinking I am doing something to make her mad - which I really am not.
My wife is my best friend and probably the only one I have had a desire to be close to.

This was going on for for a few years and because of another issue - not related - led me to go see a neurologist.
I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Depression apathy, anxiety can all be part of that so that is where we left it.

Fast forward 2 years and my memory was getting weird. Things i used to do in my sleep (figuratively) I was struggling to do. I was in a career where multitasking is a must, I was losing that ability as well.
They started doing neuropsych testing and after a few years of noticing declines. Those tests along with a few others leads to where I am today. I wont go into the details as to where I am now.

I say all of this -as a little therapy for myself to vent a little - but to also let you know what you are feeling - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know it can feel like it. But what we deal with is a very real thing and affects a good portion of the population.
Support groups like these are great. I belong to a few FB groups as well.

I tried many meds over the years. Most caused me problems because of the Parkinson’s. There is a laundry lis of meds I need to stay away from. That makes it difficult to try meds - even for digestive and urological issues - some of the meds dont mix well with PD.

My only outlet for relief is a medical grade CBD.

For me - there was an underlying condition that took many yers to develop to the point it could be diagnosed.
I’m not suggesting that is the case for you.

I’m not sure if any of that helps. I hope some of it might help to let you know you are not alone.

Peace
Larry

Jump to this post

Larry,
I read your post with great interest because of the time frame, nature and onset of your illness. Can I ask: What were your early signs/symptoms like? You mentioned neuro cognitive testing...what kind of tests, specifically?
All of this sounds eerily familiar to my ongoing saga of health decline...with no real answers!! Would love to get an update from you. Take care.

REPLY
2 replies
donnacarp | @donnacarp | Jun 2, 2021

Thank you for sharing what is happening with you. I can totally relate about depression that just never lets up. I have it also and I trace it back to events- things that happened in my life. So many things that cannot be repaired. These things: 2 sons have died, one from cancer at age 32, one from a heart attack at age 40, two of my husbands have died, I had to sell my house and get into something smaller because I couldn't afford to keep it up after Husband #2 died. It got a lovely condo and it burned completely which I thought was nothing compared to the deaths so I never gave it much thought since it was all just stuff that was gone. My remaining child, a daughter was mean mean mean which was horrible for me - even telling me to "get out of here" at the reception after the funeral for my 1st husband and my son. I've been able to make sense and process then release some of the pain of everything except for what happened with the last son who died. He had been troubled since my divorce from his father after being married to him for 17 years (I was 18 and pregnant when we married). My son eventually got completely out of control and disappeared for 12 years, my Husband #2 had cancer during the worst of all that and he died before that child came back and lived with his father. I blame myself for what happened to him. He was 40 when his father died, he was not at all prepared to live alone, my current husband and I went back to where we live (out of state) and I felt such conflict about that even though my daughter was near him and he was physically safe but he was alone like he had been for the 12 years he was missing and homeless. I believe that if I'd stayed with him for a while, he might still be alive. When I think through it on a real physical level, he must have had very bad heart disease which is not my fault but the fault of the tremendous weight gain from the psychotropic meds that he had been put on. I could go on and on because there is just so much between all the lines. My life is a tragedy when I look back on it. I am completely afraid to move forward. It is a wonder that this marriage I have now is working as well as it is. I think the contributing factors that help are that this man really wants to be married to me. He certainly has his share of personal stuff. I desperately am trying to be as healthy as I can but sometimes I don't feel too healthy. I have to look in the mirror to be sure that I am not dying. I broke down completely after each death........physical breakdown that I also have had to overcome.

REPLY
1 reply
sears | @sears | Jun 2, 2021
In reply to @donnacarp "Thank you for sharing what is happening with you. I can totally relate about depression that..." + (show)
@donnacarp

Thank you for sharing what is happening with you. I can totally relate about depression that just never lets up. I have it also and I trace it back to events- things that happened in my life. So many things that cannot be repaired. These things: 2 sons have died, one from cancer at age 32, one from a heart attack at age 40, two of my husbands have died, I had to sell my house and get into something smaller because I couldn't afford to keep it up after Husband #2 died. It got a lovely condo and it burned completely which I thought was nothing compared to the deaths so I never gave it much thought since it was all just stuff that was gone. My remaining child, a daughter was mean mean mean which was horrible for me - even telling me to "get out of here" at the reception after the funeral for my 1st husband and my son. I've been able to make sense and process then release some of the pain of everything except for what happened with the last son who died. He had been troubled since my divorce from his father after being married to him for 17 years (I was 18 and pregnant when we married). My son eventually got completely out of control and disappeared for 12 years, my Husband #2 had cancer during the worst of all that and he died before that child came back and lived with his father. I blame myself for what happened to him. He was 40 when his father died, he was not at all prepared to live alone, my current husband and I went back to where we live (out of state) and I felt such conflict about that even though my daughter was near him and he was physically safe but he was alone like he had been for the 12 years he was missing and homeless. I believe that if I'd stayed with him for a while, he might still be alive. When I think through it on a real physical level, he must have had very bad heart disease which is not my fault but the fault of the tremendous weight gain from the psychotropic meds that he had been put on. I could go on and on because there is just so much between all the lines. My life is a tragedy when I look back on it. I am completely afraid to move forward. It is a wonder that this marriage I have now is working as well as it is. I think the contributing factors that help are that this man really wants to be married to me. He certainly has his share of personal stuff. I desperately am trying to be as healthy as I can but sometimes I don't feel too healthy. I have to look in the mirror to be sure that I am not dying. I broke down completely after each death........physical breakdown that I also have had to overcome.

Jump to this post

God bless you! You sound like a strong woman.

REPLY
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