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How to overcome grief over deceased donor after transplant?
Transplants | Last Active: Sep 8, 2021 | Replies (26)Comment receiving replies
Hello,
It has helped tremendously hearing I'm not alone in feeling like this. But I feel this is still an issue I need to process and come to term with. I am very grateful and happy to be alive, but I'm still struggling when I think of the fact that my donor will never get to experience all these great things life has to offer. A lot of the comments suggested writing the donors family, which I think is a great idea. I just don't know if I'm ready to do that yet. There is too much tangled up in my head and heart surrounding this, and I'm not sure I could articulate my gratitude and condolences effectively. I'm working on finding outside resources to help with my feelings of grief, and have started attending a transplant support group over zoom that has been helpful. Overall, I think I still need to process, but knowing I'm not alone has been comforting.
Replies to "Hello, It has helped tremendously hearing I'm not alone in feeling like this. But I feel..."
It is understandable that life events can trigger your emotions. Since my own organ transplant, I feel as if have become, overall, more sensitive to the world and the people around me. Talking with a trusted, no judgmental loved one helps. Talking with another person who had experience with their own serious health event helps. For me, that person was a special girlfriend who was on a cancer journey. She understood in a way that no one else did. My husband was at my side through out every part of my illness and transplant, but he did not like to revisit those painful time after I healed and resumed a normal life.
I want you to let go of the guilt about writing a letter. When you feel ready. If you feel ready, you can write a simple note in a nice card. My letter was only 5 sentences. (My condolences, My appreciation, How I will honor the donor, My future plans, My well wishes for the donor family).
Grieving is personal journey. There is not a right way or a wrong way.
How has your life changed since your transplant? What do you enjoy doing with your new life?
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I recently wrote a letter to my donor's family. It was a very difficult letter to write and it took me weeks and many drafts to finally feel that I had expressed my true feelings. As I was writing it, I thought I was feeling guilt that I live because their loved one did not, but as I examined my feelings more closely, I realized that in addition to gratitude for the gift of life, what I'm feeling is a deep sadness at the loss of life, not guilt.
Feelings that were difficult to articulate, but once I got them on paper and sent the letter, I felt a sense of peace in knowing I did the right thing for me, and hopefully them, by reaching out in sympathy and gratitude. I hope to hear back from them, but I'll understand if they don't respond and I'm okay with that.