When things just don't get better

Posted by daphne47 @daphne47, Dec 30, 2020

I have depression and anxiety that stem from ptsd, abuse/neglect. I've fought my entire life for my sanity, making good steps with my mental health. Then boom, chronic illness. Fought this too. But I haven't had much relief or answers for 15 years. I'm burnt out pretty good right now and really hopeless. Not sure if my situation can change. Just feel I'm losing myself. I take medication and see a great therapist. This is not just a one time low...just tired of fighting for nothing. Can anyone relate? I'm not trying to get anyone down, everyone's situation is different, I guess I just want to express myself cause I don't have a lot of people to say this to. I understand accepting things, but it just seems like my life is stuck, whatever I do. I'm not afraid to live with disabilities, but, physically, my body is kicking my own arse. Feeling alone, defeated, and defective.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

@bustrbrwn22

Good question. Celebrities have no issues getting anything so maybe they think I’m poor and stupid.

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...I didnt know whether to laugh or cry at that comment, bustrbrwn22: maybe I am jaded but aren't celebrities/the wealthy treated differently in many respects? "Poor....or....Stupid" Hmmm, poor and stupid? Many "poor" people are far from stupid and many stupid people are not poor.... don't mind me, it's been a long day! When we have an illness, pain, disease... doesn't that level the playing field in any case? But might it be interesting to know what our doctors think about us (or not)!
Not having the education etc. to be a doctor, I still would not really want to be one... but it is "their" chosen profession and surely they realized they would have a variety of patients - of all ages, education, personality, health issues? Some drs. are open to questions/discussion about what they are prescribing and why - others, as we know, and as my former GP told me: "It's my office and my rules" (although his income was from the Government of Ontario)! J. 🙂

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@lacy2

...I didnt know whether to laugh or cry at that comment, bustrbrwn22: maybe I am jaded but aren't celebrities/the wealthy treated differently in many respects? "Poor....or....Stupid" Hmmm, poor and stupid? Many "poor" people are far from stupid and many stupid people are not poor.... don't mind me, it's been a long day! When we have an illness, pain, disease... doesn't that level the playing field in any case? But might it be interesting to know what our doctors think about us (or not)!
Not having the education etc. to be a doctor, I still would not really want to be one... but it is "their" chosen profession and surely they realized they would have a variety of patients - of all ages, education, personality, health issues? Some drs. are open to questions/discussion about what they are prescribing and why - others, as we know, and as my former GP told me: "It's my office and my rules" (although his income was from the Government of Ontario)! J. 🙂

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@lacy2 I can’t believe a doctor would say such a thing! But I am not surprised.

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@daphne47 I just went back to your first message, starting this conversation, and I hope you know you're not alone. I learned in 2003 that the way I was feeling had a name, though I didn't see any mental health professional until 2006. I learned from him that depression was just one of the issues he diagnosed - PTSD, anxiety disorder, OCD, and depressive bipolar. That pretty much explained to me why I had made several suicide attempts during 2005-'06.

It was a long time before medication and therapy got me out of the deep, dark hole, like 5 years. Then I started experiencing peripheral neuropathy pain, and life really changed. Having both depression and chronic pain is so hard!

By now, my depression isn't obvious to others, but it's a constant presence, just under the surface, kind of like walking on thin ice. The same is true of PTSD and suicidal thoughts.

But here I am, 15 years later. I still see a therapist, and my wife still loves me, my faith is my foundation, and my service dog always has me in her sight. Some things do get better, but some things don't change. Major (chronic, clinical) depression is a lifetime illness for some people. Part of my therapy is learning to accept that, while at the same time changing the things I can change. For a long time, I couldn't believe what people told me, that it does get better, because I was in that dark hole for so long, but even though the depression and everything else are still there, it is better. Many days it's bearable. I hope that many of your days are at least bearable.

Jim

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@kimcvi

Hi Kim here, I think you are so right. I use to be very shy about my symptoms but now when I get a new Dr. I politely tell them that I am very honest about how I feel and my symptoms should not get dismissed. That they have no idea what turmoil my body is going through and that I would like the common curtesy of respect and to listen to me. For me as long as I say it with respect and I am polite they cannot get mad at me. I like my dr’s at the Mayo because even though my symptoms my not fit my disease they do not dismiss me are willing to find out why this is going on. So please do not ever stop being an advocate on you health you will find a honest and caring doctor who will listen. 🤞🤞

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@kimcvi Am a bit leary because I've tried this and still got dismissed.

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I can relate that this doesn’t always work but all I am saying is not all doctors are bad listeners. I have had my share and still have a PCP that won’t take the time for my condition, he made it pretty clear that he has no idea what this is and he cannot help me. I have found a neurologist close to home that is willing to work with me and the Mayo as he is a nerve doctor not muscle doctor. So I am just hopi g that just because a doctor won’t listen to not give up and hopefully there is one out there that will listen.
Kim

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@kimcvi

I can relate that this doesn’t always work but all I am saying is not all doctors are bad listeners. I have had my share and still have a PCP that won’t take the time for my condition, he made it pretty clear that he has no idea what this is and he cannot help me. I have found a neurologist close to home that is willing to work with me and the Mayo as he is a nerve doctor not muscle doctor. So I am just hopi g that just because a doctor won’t listen to not give up and hopefully there is one out there that will listen.
Kim

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@kimcvi Hi Kim I can relate. After 10 years or so my psychiatrist diagnosed me with refractory depression and anxiety - no medications help or any other types of counseling etc. I also was recently diagnosed with PTSD. Every day is a challenge just to get out of bed and complete basic hygiene functions.

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@lacy2

@bustrbrwn22 Hello. I am often hesitant to put in my two cents, but I went through a LOT of fear after seeing the specialist (head of department at out of town hospital) and I scrutinized every prescription and over the counter meds I was given or was going to purchase after that. All I can say is the above actually happened to me. Feb.2019 a psychiatrist put me back on Zoloft after I took myself off and I told him I was not supposed to be on it cos of narrow angles: he checked and came back into room and said "only 5% of people may get glaucoma from Zoloft" .. I tried to tell him I ALREADY had it, and had "narrow angles" but he still put me on it and another time I will tell the story of what happened to "me"...side effects. Another time very nice psychiatrist I saw once put me on another anti-depressant and my pharmacist actually faxed the Specialist to see if I could take it and he responded in handwring: no, no no - she cannot take it. (So thats when I decided to have the Iridotomy, only to find out I still have to be cautious.

Honestly, I do appreciate what drs are trying to do for us and realize meds have saved lives in more ways than one, but sometimes we might want to check what we are taking and politely discuss with the prescriber...especially with a "super specialist dr." has given us advice: however, for me, to date, only a few drs. have listened and in fact one doctor over clinic internet said about something I had been given ,,, "don't give it to her, she has Glaucoma.!"

Again, everyone is different, my spouse takes 15 or so meds a day with his glass of wine..doesn't even read the information sheets..... lucky him, unlucky me! Glad you are going to check into and I would be interested in hearing what your Dr. thinks. Hopefully, you will have many other options for meds that will help you. (Also, if you keep a written list of meds you are on, don't forget to list over the counter meds you buy; eyedrops whether prescribed or not; and even natural remedies) 🙂 J.

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@woogie thanks for sharing!

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@jimhd

@bustrbrwn22 I haven't noticed any improvement in my neuropathy pain. Unfortunately, I stepped up my morphine dose from 15mg tid to 30mg bid at the same time, and had my spinal cord stimulator adjusted at the same time, as well. I have a personal policy of making only one change at a time, but I messed up this time. I think that the stimulator adjustment had the most effect on my pain, but I also know that morphine is an important part of my pain management.

I ran out of Cymbalta Saturday, and I'm waiting for a refill. Fortunately, withdrawal from it isn't causing any serious problems.

The pain in my feet and ankles is generally tolerable. As I sit here in my recliner, it's around 7 or 8. That's my new normal, I guess. A lot of people have much worse.

Have you been able to observe any effect from Cymbalta yet? I had always thought it was just an antidepressant, but I've learned that it's approved by the FDA for fibromyalgia and neuropathy, among others.

Jim

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@jimhd my eyes hurt and my pulse is racing and headaches all day long I feel like I’m having a mini panic attack all day long. Someone on Mayo Connect let me know eye damage can be a result from Cymbalta so I stopped taking it. I told my pain nurse practitioner about the eye pain and she said that’s not good and lowered the dose. My thinking is I need my eyes so I stopped taking it. I think she should have stopped me taking it all together when I told her about my eyes and racing heart.
Thanks for listening!

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I feel for each one of you who are getting the wrong meds. 😔😔 I believe that we all know our bodies and the side effects that certain medications do, Stay Strong💪🏻💪🏻 Everyone and don’t give up. There is someone out there who will listen.!!
Virtual HUGS and Love to All💕🥰💕

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@bustrbrwn22

@jimhd my eyes hurt and my pulse is racing and headaches all day long I feel like I’m having a mini panic attack all day long. Someone on Mayo Connect let me know eye damage can be a result from Cymbalta so I stopped taking it. I told my pain nurse practitioner about the eye pain and she said that’s not good and lowered the dose. My thinking is I need my eyes so I stopped taking it. I think she should have stopped me taking it all together when I told her about my eyes and racing heart.
Thanks for listening!

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@jimhd and all: not quite sure where this fits it but again its about Cymbalta but could be any number of medications. There are different types of Glaucoma.... I was diagnosed with "narrow angles" mid 2018 and I do believe I had the condition for a long time before receiving the diagnosis from Head of Glaucoma Dept. in a Toronto Hospital (a four hour drive away).
In fact some meds "cause" Glaucoma! It's true. There are wide angles type also and I believe another type. Anyway mayoclinic.org and other sites have the pros and cons about taking Cymbalta which is also called Duloxetine or Irenka. All we can do is read the information sheets with the medication, or Internet good sites and decide whether or not we wish to take it.

I was a e mental case from that time on and gave up Zoloft as it causes raise in eye pressure.... but stupid enough not to give up Clonazepam as it was not mentioned! I DO blame the doctors. I am a nobody... the doctors prescribing or continuing to prescribe meds should take a few minutes to check or ask patient, and I also DO blame my pharmacist.

Then after one interview witha very pleasant training Psychiatrist he took m off the Clonazepam I had been on over 15 years, after the last 5 tablets as government trying to stops these meds for Seniors and PUT ME BACK ON the Zoloft which I kept trying to politely say would increase my eye pressure and as I said before and the dr said: I have checked and only 5 per cent of Zoloft patients can get Glaucoma (want to be one of those five per cent?) but I ALREADY had Glaucoma and the specialist had said if my eye pressure went up I could lose vision forever and if I then had the worst headache EVER and eye pain to jump in a car and drive to Toronto... how scary was that? . During this time family dr. prescribed Cymbalta and I didnt take it. I lived with that the rest of 2019 and until I had some surgery March 2020 (laser holes in eyes) and I STILL cannot take some meds. if raise eye pressure tc. (even Visine for red eyes)

Have Glaucoma is for life and I again thank the Lord I have my vision, use strong drops every night which have side effects, and dry eye drops, and have floaters from previous vitriol surgery. On top of everything else and people wonder why I am either depressed or very sorry for myself! I do NOT want to scare anyone from taking their meds, but I will go out on a limb and say:
please, please, please have your optometrist check your eye pressure - its simple and painless - and also have a field of vision test done - again simple. Then if you go on a medication which can raise eye pressure, you just see your optometrist again to check the eye pressure!
I just cannot sit back after all this and not at least suggest these two tests, whether or not someone then continue the medication is completely up to them and many times lest fact it, we have no choice! And my last "please": please tell any new doctors, surgeons, dentists, optometrists, clinics, naturopaths etc. that you actually have Glaucoma (if you have it) and what type it is.
sorry if am repeating previous comments but feel so strongly about this... J.

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