When things just don't get better

Hello, Hank. When I read what you said about your childhood feelings, it hit a couple of nerves.....that's a good thing! Disconnected is the first thing to hit me. I just now realize that's the way I felt almost all my life, until now. And it was a heavy feeling. I don't remember really having fun, ever, not deep down fun....I wanted to, tried, thought I was....but not really. You know, there's been so much emotional pain and physical junk since I was a young teen, I guess I really didn't feel honest, true emotions, so I couldn't experience fun. I think it was a trust issue, trust in myself and my emotions as being true and ok. It was ok to feel hurt or damaged or angry or sad......I always, all my life, have dealt with those feelings as wrong feelings. Bad. Thus, I was always wrong, bad.....Wow! You've really led me into an area I haven't touched before. Good for you and good for me! I'm the only girl in between 2 brothers growing up in the 50's +. My father, bless him, was a remarkable man, quite accomplished and special. But, he had a spot for me in the family and social dynamics that was difficult for me. I was never included in his life at all. The boys and he teased.....which is normal, yes, BUT not to the degree and personal depth they went. I wasn't ever as good as they, don't remember being praised by my parents, etc. That was the way it was in those years, prettty much for the next several decades. I experienced, as did most of my female peers, work discrimination to the degree most wormen today would be horrified to hear. Amazing how many ways we girls/women were put down, criticized, treated as unworthy. Yet, I was greatly loved. So, many years of confusion, eh? Now, I'm free to be me.....at 73 years old with a body that is fighting with me to get better and enjoy life. Finally. I missed too many good years, but pray I will have some good ones ahead. Bless you, Hank. Look what you just did for me! Elizabeth

Oh thats fine, i don't do social media either. I just thought it would be nice to have someone to talk to where it's not posted in front of everyone.

There is place on the site where you can send private messages that no one else will see!
Suncance(RB)

@ess77
Hi Elizabeth. You sound like someone who has been through the emotional mill for many MANY years. Like me. If part of what life is for is learning lessons, then hopefully you and I have done some learning. I too have felt love. And emotional pain. Like a square peg, just never fitting properly in the world. Being a sensitive person is a double edged sword, causing exposure to hurt and yet also to insights one would not otherwise have. I wish you much goodwill in your lifelong struggles, may they lead you toward positivity always! Best, Hank

@daphne47 @kimcvi
What @sundance6 said is correct, you can send and receive private messages (PM) here. Kim, you and I have exchanged a couple before. There are lots of features in Connect that are good to know about. I'd encourage anyone wanting to know more about this to read the info available about Connect which you can find at the bottom of each Connect page, particularly "About Connect" and "Getting started on Connect". They explain a lot!

BTW, the PM feature is opened by clicking on the little envelope icon in the upper right region of the page if you're on a computer, and if on your phone look for the 3 horizontal bars in the upper right area of any page, click it and a menu will open. Click on "Messages". Best, Hank

Bless you and Hank both! So many of us have gone through so many issues growing up! I'm one year older than you Elizebeth! Because of an inheretied seach disorder from my Dad I was bareky able to hold a conversation until I was 18. I think my dad blamed himself for that! Unfortunately he never told me so! He died at 68. Ashamed because he was such a good man I never got to talk to him about it! He died 40 years ago!
For those first 18 years I was Bullied, made fun of and left out of many things! I was told by my 8th Grade teacher, a Nun, that I was so Stupid I would never graduate high School!
But that also gave me the Strength to Dig Deeper to Succeed! I ended up with three college degrees! I have been successful in my business career. Personal life has it's up's and downs!
I had a Life full of travel and experience! For that I was Blessed.
Now life has become very diffucult! Having come down with either or Lyme Disease or Fibromyalgia or both, I'm not able to enjoy the physical aspects of my life that I had for over 70 years!
But trying to Practice what I Preach, I work every day at looking at Life with the Blessing I have had! It has become my new occupation!
I have believed in reading and experiencing a large amount of "Self Help"! I have had medical help, but in the end it is up to me to help myself!
It is also Wonderful to be connected to so many kind people on MayoConnect! It's like having a friend or Lover that you can open up to and not be afraid of being critized or judged!
stay Strong!
Blessings from The Land of Enchament!
SUNDANCE(RB)

I understand your situation as it sounds very much like mine. I have PTSD and depression since childhood. The PTSD is from my first 13 years of living through domestic violence. I did very well in my life in my 30's and 40's but due to another trauma I broke down in my late 40's. I'm now 64 with chronic illness on top of depression, Complex PTSD and my anxiety has been manageable this year. It has become almost hopeless it seems. 20+ years of major clinical depression now. And now I'm in constant pain. Where does it all end? My meds aren't making a dent in my depression anymore. I keep trying but it has no end in sight.

@sundance(RB)
Hi, I find your story very interesting and inspirational. What I am particularly struck by is the difficulties you faced during your young years. The example of what the nun said to you is so striking, reminding me of the way some teachers I can remember handled my classmates sometimes (not often, but it did happen). But what is so inspiring is the way you managed to overcome all of this. When I think of how protected the young people are these days. They need to be protected from certain speech or ideas and have to have "safe spaces" to go to to protect them when they feel threatened by bad words. I think all of this will pass in time. The human spirit is so much stronger and more resilient than the current "social protection team" believes. Growth comes from adversity, not isolation or protection from hurt. The more we "protect" the more fragile we make our young people, crippling their ability to deal with life later when the protectors will no longer be around.

Wondering if you would mind explaining further about the condition you had up until you were 18, "inheretied seach disorder" (copied directly from your post). It doesn't sound like anything I've heard of before. Thanks for sharing this, and best to you, Hank

Hank, Thanks! As I have mentioned before I wish we had spell check on here. Someone just gave me advice on how to install it! Getting to your question about "inheretied seach disorder" ! Again I need Spell Check! What I meant to say was "inheretied SPEACH disorder"! It, studdering, was handed down by my father through no fault of his by DNA!
When I hear someone complaining about being "Bullied or made fun of I can remember back to those 18 years. Of not being able to answer a phone and say "Hello!" Of not doing my home work in grade school so I didn't have to talk in class. To not being able to ask a girl out on a date in high school!
But Deep Down inside of my it taught me how to stand up for myself! (Being an Onlly Child it is a nessitty!) Not to take to many things seriously! ( A Shrink asked me many years ago when he was getting ready to have me commited so I wouldn't kill myself, I made a Joke and he asked me if I took anything seriously? Luckly I snuk out before he could check me in and went and hide out with a good frienf in Colorado for two weeks!)To now ask questions of something I don't understand! To do business all around the world and try to understand that everyone is different! In most cases if you treat someone with respect you will recieve it back! I usually don't take "NO" for an answer very nicely! I try and stand up for those who may not be understood!
Fortunately or Unfortunately I am usually harder on myself than anyone else!
Wherther our "Boomer Generation" was raised correctly is another debate! Many of us, like those who served in Nam, have a sixth sense about us! We don't accpet excuses! Especially our own!
As I said, I have had 75 Wonderful Years on earth! Those first 18 for me were the start of my education in Life!
Take Care of Yourself! For some reason MayoConnect got thrown in my Junk file a few months ago. It came back up a couple of months ago! Good to have you on! It is a LIFE SAVIOR FOR MANY!
From The Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)

kmr24karat. My Ex- Father In Law was a very Smart man! His favorite saying was "No one ever said Life was Fair, so accept it for what it is!" I don't mean that to sound cruel to you! Reading your story I guess you could say I suffered and still also do PTSD from my first 18 years! Much of it stills sticks with me as strong as I think I am!
As I said being on depression and anixity meds for 30 years I have been lucky to have been able to adjust to life as I know it! This last year has been over the edge! Even for those who don't suffer from what are going through!
Having being sick this last nine months has made me Slow Down and examine each step I take!
If you like to read there is a very good book out right now by Matthew McConaughey, Entitled. "GREENLIGHTS"! It's worth picking up and reading! It gave me a different way to look at Life!
Having been indoctrainated in the Catholic Church western religion is not what I have not subscribed to in a long time. What I have found that has guided me through many things is reading of the Tao! There is the start and then many inturpratations. But it all has something to be learned from!
We Are All Behind You! We are here to Help! Never worry about what you may say or feel!
Bless You!
From The Land of Enchantment!
Sundance(RB)