1. < Loss & Grief

When will I ever be happy?

Posted by rcb1975 @rcb1975, Apr 21, 2020

Hello. I am new to this site/group. I am a long time sufferer of depression/anxiety. Was diagnosed in my early 20's but was depressed since early teens,I just didn't know it. This stemmed from losing my 15 year old brother in a tragic car accident back in 88.I was 12 at the time. It has been over 30 years but I remember every detail like it was yesterday. Fast forward, now age 44, I still have not recovered fully. I suppose one never does when they lose a loved one. I have not felt that kind of pain and feeling of being lost until One month ago. I woke up one morning and found my 15 year old kitty had passed away. Since I never married or had kids I was especially close to him and him to I. I got him as a kitten in the middle of a difficult time I was going through and he changed my life for the better. I still had depressed times along with anxiety but being with my precious Ellis helped so much. For years I had thought about and feared when that day would come... I knew he would someday not be with me. But I did not expect it to come now. I knew he was getting up there in the years but thought I would have a few more good years with him since he was a strictly indoor cat and was not sick to my knowledge....he was eating good and seemed fine. My whole world has been flipped upside down. I have two other cats that I love very much and they are comforting but the bond is nowhere near what I had with Ellis. I dont think I'll ever be truly happy again. Sure there are times with family and friends that I laugh and am OK. It's when I'm in my house alone that is so gut wrenching. I expect to see him waiting at the door when I come home or lining up with the other cats when treat time comes. He was so very special and heart is completely broken.

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lilypaws | @lilypaws | Apr 25, 2020

This is Jeanie "lilyoaws" I want to change it to "lilypaws" I accidently misspelled it.
Anyway, I love the story rcb1975. Maybe you were just a normal difficult boy, although girls can be trouble too. But I'm so glad you got to keep the dog. I love dog and said before I had to give mine up, but she went to the boarders we used and the owner said,"Can we please have Lily, we love her." So that's where she is and a very happy dog. They let her be in the office, not kenneled at all. She follows them all over. I do miss her very much, but because of my condition I could not take care of her.
Boy, break the collar bone, that would make anyone ornery, if you know what I mean. Loved your post.

REPLY
1 reply
rcb1975 | @rcb1975 | Apr 29, 2020
In reply to @lilypaws "This is Jeanie "lilyoaws" I want to change it to "lilypaws" I accidently misspelled it. Anyway,..." + (show)
@lilypaws

This is Jeanie "lilyoaws" I want to change it to "lilypaws" I accidently misspelled it.
Anyway, I love the story rcb1975. Maybe you were just a normal difficult boy, although girls can be trouble too. But I'm so glad you got to keep the dog. I love dog and said before I had to give mine up, but she went to the boarders we used and the owner said,"Can we please have Lily, we love her." So that's where she is and a very happy dog. They let her be in the office, not kenneled at all. She follows them all over. I do miss her very much, but because of my condition I could not take care of her.
Boy, break the collar bone, that would make anyone ornery, if you know what I mean. Loved your post.

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Thanks Jeanie. I am Robyn. My brother who passed, Richard, was my protector. In 5th grade, a boy that sat behind me started poking a pencil in my back. I was very shy back then and although I told him to stop, he kept on. I was too introverted to tell my teacher. I told Richard though. The next morning in home room and before the bell rang Richard showed up at my class. Him and his best buddy came over from the jr high/high school building. He called me out to the hall and asked which boy was messing with me so I pointed to him . Richard told me to go get him... he wanted to speak to him. So I went and told the boy that my brother wanted to talk to him. The boy went out in the hall. I'm not sure what all my brother said to him, but I'm sure it was along the lines of 'dont mess with my sister and don't ever touch her again or you,ll be sorry' . The boy came back, sat down behind me and was crying. That boy never touched me again or even looked at me the wrong way. Richard was so many things. He loved deer hunting with my dad and other brother and camping, spending time with our uncle and cousins. He was also mindful of the way others perceived him and his family. We didn't have a lot growing but he made sure his hair was washed and bathed every morning before school and he had a fear I think, of being type cast as poor or lower class. But he had a huge love for animals as was evident with his stray dog Bo and he liked cats too. when they got deer my dad had the meat processed for consumption but it was still a big thing to get a deer with big horns. I could never do that but we did eat the meat and it was not just for sport. I often wonder what my brother would be like today. Would he have a family? What would his career be? What kind of person would he be? I'll always wonder.

Today was a very difficult day for me as I remembered that tomorrow will be my kitty Ellis 15th birthday. I struggle every day, sometimes more than others, but it's a daily battle. I still cannot process that he is gone. I still have these moments where I'm working, busy etc and all of a sudden something reminds me. It's almost like I forgot Ellis is gone, then one of the other cats will sigh or yawn...or I,ll have a memory of him.even hearing one of them moving around reminds of how Ellis used to do and I then realize that he isn't with me anymore. And I then feel a shock like it happened all over again the morning I found him laying lifeless.. I'm not sure how I'm gonna get through this. I'm trying one day at a time. It is so, so very hard.

REPLY
1 reply
lilypaws | @lilypaws | Apr 30, 2020
In reply to @rcb1975 "Thanks Jeanie. I am Robyn. My brother who passed, Richard, was my protector. In 5th grade,..." + (show)
@rcb1975

Thanks Jeanie. I am Robyn. My brother who passed, Richard, was my protector. In 5th grade, a boy that sat behind me started poking a pencil in my back. I was very shy back then and although I told him to stop, he kept on. I was too introverted to tell my teacher. I told Richard though. The next morning in home room and before the bell rang Richard showed up at my class. Him and his best buddy came over from the jr high/high school building. He called me out to the hall and asked which boy was messing with me so I pointed to him . Richard told me to go get him... he wanted to speak to him. So I went and told the boy that my brother wanted to talk to him. The boy went out in the hall. I'm not sure what all my brother said to him, but I'm sure it was along the lines of 'dont mess with my sister and don't ever touch her again or you,ll be sorry' . The boy came back, sat down behind me and was crying. That boy never touched me again or even looked at me the wrong way. Richard was so many things. He loved deer hunting with my dad and other brother and camping, spending time with our uncle and cousins. He was also mindful of the way others perceived him and his family. We didn't have a lot growing but he made sure his hair was washed and bathed every morning before school and he had a fear I think, of being type cast as poor or lower class. But he had a huge love for animals as was evident with his stray dog Bo and he liked cats too. when they got deer my dad had the meat processed for consumption but it was still a big thing to get a deer with big horns. I could never do that but we did eat the meat and it was not just for sport. I often wonder what my brother would be like today. Would he have a family? What would his career be? What kind of person would he be? I'll always wonder.

Today was a very difficult day for me as I remembered that tomorrow will be my kitty Ellis 15th birthday. I struggle every day, sometimes more than others, but it's a daily battle. I still cannot process that he is gone. I still have these moments where I'm working, busy etc and all of a sudden something reminds me. It's almost like I forgot Ellis is gone, then one of the other cats will sigh or yawn...or I,ll have a memory of him.even hearing one of them moving around reminds of how Ellis used to do and I then realize that he isn't with me anymore. And I then feel a shock like it happened all over again the morning I found him laying lifeless.. I'm not sure how I'm gonna get through this. I'm trying one day at a time. It is so, so very hard.

Jump to this post

Dear Robyn. Oh what a wonderful brother and then to lose him. Keep him in your heart. I lost my first husband just after 11 days of being married. A good friend was killed with him too. I turned to alcohol and hated God, but I'm back with God now and can't drink because I'm on medications that won't let me drink. I do have a glass of wine every once in awhile, but since they started me on Tymlos, that will increase my bone mass I cannot drink at all. Be sad sometimes, but put your brother in your heart and pray a prayer.

How did he die? Have you tried to a couselor? They really helped me when my mom killed herself and my husband and friend died. So try counseling if you haven't done it yet. Love to you and my prayers are with you.
t

REPLY
1 reply
tmmmrlts | @tmmmrlts | May 6, 2020
In reply to @lilypaws "Dear Robyn. Oh what a wonderful brother and then to lose him. Keep him in your..." + (show)
@lilypaws

Dear Robyn. Oh what a wonderful brother and then to lose him. Keep him in your heart. I lost my first husband just after 11 days of being married. A good friend was killed with him too. I turned to alcohol and hated God, but I'm back with God now and can't drink because I'm on medications that won't let me drink. I do have a glass of wine every once in awhile, but since they started me on Tymlos, that will increase my bone mass I cannot drink at all. Be sad sometimes, but put your brother in your heart and pray a prayer.

How did he die? Have you tried to a couselor? They really helped me when my mom killed herself and my husband and friend died. So try counseling if you haven't done it yet. Love to you and my prayers are with you.
t

Jump to this post

They also have grief meetings at some churches. I know it has really helped me. So sorry for your loss. It will get better. I still have good days and bad days, some times it is just moment by moment. Everyone tells me that it will be a new normal. All I know is that with God by my side and in my heart anything is possible. I have wonderful friends and family that encourage me to stay in school and now may 14th will be my last day and I will graduate from high school after being out of school for 38 years. I know when my husband of 36 and 1/2 years I thought my life was over. But now i am bettering myself. And going to try and become a respiratory therapist. To help people with the things that took my uncle my mom my dad and my husband. I hope and pray this helps a little at least. I pray for comfort and peace for you.

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