Incognito-My husband suffered his first heart attack a week before his 39th birthday (we had been married 9 years, my son was 6 my daughter 1). He has had 5 others since that time, triple bypass followed by two of those grafts failing, has 25 cardiac stents implanted, along with a stroke, a pulmonary embolism, multiple TIAs, two bad knees that cannot be replaced due to his other comorbidities and various other events. My son, 30, has social anxiety yet still manages to teach high school education. My daughter, 25, also suffers from social anxiety and she is on lexapro to manage it. She too teaches high school science.

We just celebrated our 33rd anniversary. On the day we wed part of my traditional vows stated "in sickness and in health". I never knew at that time how weighted that part of my vow would be. Yet it became quite apparent to me as the years went on. Before my husband became disabled his was a financial advisor for Merrill Lynch and I had the pleasure of being a stay at home mother. Our life too was quite different before illness struck, and would have been dramatically different had he been able to remain employed.

To add to the "fun" in 2000 my father passed away and my mother moved in with us. She lived with us for 17 1/2 years. The first 12 were actually quite wonderful because when my husband was in and out of the hospital (at his worst he could be in the ER 2 times per week) she was able to take my children to and from school, she did the laundry and cooked so I could work full time to try to support our family. The last 5 1/2 years of her life though I watched my mother slowly become legally blind from macular degeneration, lose her hearing, and suffered from cirrhosis of the liver from years on methotrexate for her severe psoriasis. My father was blessed by dying in his sleep peacefully. Such was definitely not the case with my mother. I was an only child so I had no other siblings to step in and help me. Yet despite his health issues, my husband was amazing with my mother. He took her to her doctors appointments and to the grocery store, as did my children who were young adults by then. Grandma had taken care of them, and now it was their turn to return the favor to her.

I began to suffer full blown panic attacks one year after my son was born. They hit me from out of the blue. I had no idea they were preparing me for what was to come. When you have someone who is disabled in your home, the entire family becomes disabled. My children never wanted birthday parties because they were afraid we might have to call the ambulance for Dad while their friends were over. From 2000-2017 my husband and my children never had the opportunity to take a simple family vacation because we could never stray too far from a hospital. Families where everyone is basically healthy have no idea what a gift they truly have! The statement: If you have your health you have everything rings so true for me and my family.

Now here we are 33 years down the path... I am still working full time, yet may experience a furlough due to the CoVID-19 pandemic. I will know my fate next week. My husband was just in the hospital last weekend with chest pain. My daughter just had surgery in March for endometriosis and double hernias. So our health challenges continue.

So now with all of that being said--I wouldn't trade my husband for 100 healthy ones. He is and always will be my hero. Why? Because as tough as his illnesses were on me, it was HE who experienced them first hand and still tries to live as normal a life as he can. To look at him people would have no idea what is going on inside his body. One time when he was in the hospital at his sickest, there was another gentleman in a bed down the hall. He was quite young and had been diagnosed with pleuracy. He did not want to eat and thought he was on his way out. My husband's nurse, who knew him quite well obviously, asked him if he would go speak with him. He sat with the man and talked to him. Once he left the room the young man asked for a dinner tray. It was then that I decided I too would make it a point to always try to help others make their way through life's challenges.

In my years I have learned to simply take one day at a time, often times just get through one minute to the next. I am quite the expert in deep breathing. LOL In my home we learned to celebrate the little things most others take for granted. In doing so our family is extremely close, because we have been through so much together. On days when my husband is doing well, we do what we can. Right now it's tough because of the shelter in place, but we still take a lunch and go sit under the bridge by the intercoastal and watch the boats/fisherman/kayakers. We laugh and joke. Laughter truly is the BEST medicine. Finding joy and peace in the little things keeps me sane. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I look back on all that I have been through and tell myself, "Melissa, you are an incredibly strong woman, and you should be extremely proud of yourself!" You have made it through many trials where others would have surely failed.

I wish you luck, Incognito. There have been plenty of times when I felt like giving up. But now at 57 (hubby is 62) I am happy with where we are in our lives. We look forward to the day when both children hopefully marry and we might be blessed with grandchildren. We choose to always look ahead, and to remain positive. Hang in there.

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