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How do you accept change as you age?
Aging and accepting our changes is never easy!
One of my favorite sayings is ‘it’s a good thing our children grow older, but parents don’t!’ Often I wish this was true and while it’s a positive message, not our reality.
Like it or not, time and life take their toll on us and we change. However accepting these changes can be a challenge in our lives and the lives of our loved ones. Both physically and emotionally I might add.
I remember well after caring for my wife for the first seven years of her war with brain cancer my dad passed away and I was able to get to his memorial service. I was very excited to see our two grandsons and decided being ‘as young as you feel’, and wanting to make up for lost time entered into a rousing game of Freeze Tag in the hotel’s front yard. All went well until I made too fast a deke and found myself flying across far more sod than I should have been! Result? Four broken ribs, a painfully long recovery, and a reminder I’m not as agile as I once was!
I also realize that the realistic view of our age is not relegated to ourselves alone. I’ve spoken with our adult children about this and they have said they don’t really see me as aging, but just as ‘Dad’, who they want to do all the same things with they have done in the past. On the other hand, our grandsons see me as ‘grandpa’ and are comfortable ‘just having me around’ especially if there happens to be a Dairy Queen nearby!
So it is I‘ve begun to think more about the importance of accepting the changes and limitations imposed on us as we advance in age. While I’m not cashing in any chips I don’t need to, I have found I do avoid a few challenges I used to gladly accept. For instance last summer I went whitewater rafting on some Class V rapids. After almost drowning, I have forgone any return trips to rivers with this class of rapids. I swim well, just not as far and as long as I used to be able to while fully clothed and in heavy gear.
While I miss those rapids and full contact Freeze Tag, I know why my grandmother often told me ‘discretion is the better part of valor’.
As you age, are you practicing discretion, even when you wish you didn’t have to? Is it hard like it is for me?
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You raise an interesting concern, @rosemarya
We had to confront the issue of my wife's ability to continue to drive early in her illness. Our biggest difficulty was that she insisted she was able to continue to drive safely even though impaired. She was certain her constraints were of no impact. At the same time, our daughter was insistent we, as a family, were at significant financial risk every time she took the wheel because we knew of her shortcomings and were letting her continue to drive. I certainly was cognizant of her limitation and voiced my concerns, but she wouldn't listen.
It wasn't until we insisted my wife take the electronic driving test at Mayo that it finally changed. She failed. Her doctor said to her 'MK, I know you want to keep driving, but your response times and acuity are just not good enough anymore. I know you'd hate yourself if you injured or killed someone, or if someone with your abilities, who insisted on still driving, hurt or killed Scott or one of your grandsons.'
Personally, with my vision, while I passed the vision test for my license just this year, I refuse to drive in the dark at all. I view it as not about me, but about keeping others safe. I apply this test to many things in my life as I am lucky enough to continue to age.
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6 Reactions@rosemarya Thanks for bringing up this topic of driving as we age. It is certainly one that we don't want to face and yet it is necessary to consider.
I drive very little at night and very little on wet roads. I plan appointments so that I only have one per day. If I feel very tired, I will not drive at all. It is better to miss out on something than to risk driving when I feel fatigued.
I would enjoy hearing what others have to say about driving as you age.
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4 ReactionsScott, Volunteer Mentor @IndianaScott Living in an urban environment, I gave up driving years ago. But I certainly appreciate your full description of the problems you faced with the issue of safety with the aging. I particularly like your quote of what the doctor said to your wife as a way of dealing with those who insist, against better judgment. Could you give a little more information about the electronic driving test at Mayo? It sounds like a very handy tool for dealing with this issue!
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5 ReactionsI have not driven at night for some time. I do not feel capable at night. I barely feel capable in the day, but I do want to drive to my doctors and dentists, thus not being so dependent on my husband. I have been wearing glasses since February and that is something new that does help to see upcoming signs. I am comfortable in familiar surroundings, but struggle when going out of my territory. My husband tells me the directions and I write them on post-it notes. I have one for going and one for coming home. I feel more capable when I have written instructions. Sure, my car has a GPS system, but I have never used that and now the car is 10 years old so probably some of the routes have changed. When I encounter a "Road Work Ahead" sign, I cringe and hope it will not affect my route. My husband stays by the phone when I embark on a journey in unfamiliar territory. Once when returning from a doctor appointment south of us, the road was blocked with police cars and all traffic was diverted to the exit. (I later learned there had been an accident.) I had no idea how to get home from there so I pulled over and called my husband. He is excellent at giving instructions and I told him where I was and he was able to guide me home. He always has my back! @joybringer1
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3 ReactionsHi @barbb This was some time ago, so it may have changed some, but it was at Mayo's Rochester campus. While it was requested by her primary doctor at Mayo, IIRC it was overseen by the Occupational Therapy folks. The machine was set up with a seat like a driver's seat with the usual controls (pedals, steering wheel, turn signal, dashboard, etc.). There was a large screen in front and was what these days we'd say is like an interactive video game. The machine produced various lighting conditions, traffic levels, and things happening, such as traffic lights changing, a ball coming out into the street, bikes along side, etc. It was set to read her reaction times to these real-life driving situations. I no longer recall how long it took as it was part of a multiday set of physical and mental/psychological testing, but not terribly long.
Probably not for everyone, but it was hugely valuable to our family to address this very challenging issue amongst, at the time, multiple challenging issues.
Strength, courage, and peace
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3 ReactionsHi Rosemarya,
To be honest, I don’t give it much thought. I go with the flow.
For many, many years I stopped driving in the rain, and bad wind storms, I never thought about age, my thoughts were about driving conditions. As for driving at night, you can always call a cab, or Uber, Lyft, etc.
Today a person can call AMAZON and get anything delivered, even our grocery stores have home delivery.
Same with drug stores.
The hardest thing for me is trying to keep a too large home and property up.
If you have vision and reflex problems, best to limit all driving. The key is to monitor ourselves.
I have a saying “DO WHAT YOU CAN, AND DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE REST”.
It’s an interesting subject, I wonder what others think?
Stay well,
Funcountess
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4 Reactions@rosemarya- Thank you for bringing this up Rosemary. It brings to mind something that scared the hell out of me when my mom was had Parkinson's many moons ago. After my dad died it was a few years until my sister and I were able to get her to move to her summer house, near us. Both my sister and I noticed a marked decline in her memory and other things that we couldn't quite put our fingers on. Finally, one day I was driving over to visit her from my home, near her. I came to a 4 way stop. She was right across the street, coming from a market, and never looked or stopped, drove through the stop sign on her side of the street. Had I gone through she would have hit my car. My sister and I had a battle with her about not driving and finally, at her next appointment with her neurologist, we brought it up. She listened to him. Her big fear was that she would have to give up her license. She never mentioned this to us. She promised that she wouldn't drive, and she didn't.
Neither Dave nor I like to drive at night so we don't if we don't have to. But it's difficult when we realized that it wasn't the best thing and accept it for what it might mean. Aging is tough!
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3 ReactionsHi Merry,
When in med school our professors always said there are 2 reasons for people to stop driving at any age.
1. Any neurological condition
2. Extreme cardiac conditions
I’m sure it holds true today.
It’s a good thing you saw your mothers driving when you did.
It saved her and others from tragedy.
Working in ER at UCLA harbor in Carson,Ca.
I saw plenty of awful accidents, most were advoidable.
This happened in my area about 15 years ago. An elderly neighbor had Alzheimer’s, his nurse came to visit him. For some reason she asked his wife for the car keys? I don’t know why??? Anyway the man picked up the keys, got in the car, and I don’t know how he made it to the main highway. Any way he drove off the entrance to the highway, the car flipped, and he died. Lucky there were no other cars involved. I have no idea who took the blame for the visible keys. Soon the wife had a stroke and passed away.
The house has since sold 2 times.
Many of us in the canyon remember that tragedy, and we all said it’s a reminder what illness does to a person.
Stay well
Funcountess
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4 ReactionsThis is such an interesting topic. I know it's a huge issue for some families who need to get their relatives off the road.
A few years ago, driving to work, I was in a very serious, multi vehicle highway accident which was caused by another driver's inattentiveness and, by some miracle, I escaped without any serious injuries, although my car was destroyed. It really made me conscious of how dangerous driving can be. I had driven for 50 years at that point, without an accident and was feeling pretty blase about it all. But the danger is real and the damage that can be done in an instant doesn't bear thinking about.
I think the key is for me to make my own decisions. I learned this from my mother who voluntarily gave up her license after a hip fracture because she felt she wasn't able to react quickly and feared hurting someone. If I make such a decision for myself, it's empowering and just the start of a new phase. If someone else has to make it for me, against my will, then it is a sign of my decline and it's hard to put a good spin on that.
Moving into an area with good public transit and lots of good neighbourhood stores has enabled me to get rid of my car and Uber is a great service. Also, compared to maintaining a car, paying insurance and so on, I'm saving buckets of cash and I'm getting daily exercise. Win, win.
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5 Reactions@funcountess- What a sad, sad story. The funny thing, if you can call it that, is that I was my mom's main caretaker, and had she hit me that would have been it for me!
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2 Reactions