I would say that I feel haunted by the whole experience, which makes me feel lonely because no one else saw the things I did. I hallucinated entire relationships with the nurses and staff, none of it was real. Instead of feeling like a dream that fades away, they feel like memories with no one to share them because it was all in my head. I have anxiety and have had a few breakdowns this month where I will just end up crying and yelling while memories pass through my mind. It is very stressful. I am planning my Son's first birthday, which is also my 39th birthday and the anniversary of my intubation. I want to celebrate and have fun with him, but another part of me wants to avoid the whole day so preparing for the party has been difficult. I have some people helping me though and I think everything will be fall into place and we will have a good day. The anticipation is probably worse than anything. I have a hard time connecting with people because I feel they don't understand or want to hear my truth. people try to gloss over it and I just retreat. I am thankful to be able to get these feelings out.