@annmarry1 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect, a place to give and get support. You feel guilty about losing your temper with your best friend while caring for her before she passed.

Members like @IndianaScott @artscaping @lizny @kateia have experience with loss and grief and may be able to help.

Below I have linked an older previous discussion related to Caregiver's Grief Guilt. You may want to scroll through the comments to find insight and suggestions.
- The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/the-caregivers-guilt-dumpster-open-for-business/

It is common when someone passes to attach guilt to the grief. Often looking back and wondering what could have been done better.

You said that you cared for 10 people. There is typically a certain type of person that takes on this kind of role and those type of people are also prone to guilt. I know that I am being vague but do you have a pattern of taking on the caregiver role in your family and do you often experience guilt?

Guilt and grief are some of the hardest emotions to overcome. I'm wondering if you have considered in-person or virtual therapy with someone that specializes in grief?

Good afternoon @annmarry1. Welcome to Connect. You know.....we are just a group of patients and caregivers who have no special medical certification. We have been there and we care. And your message although brief touched me. It seems that I lost so many family members so quickly. Brother, then father and mother. And three great colleagues and friends after long battles with cancer. For me, I did pretty well right after they were gone. And then it settled in. In mindfulness practice, we call it the blame game. And it goes like this,
Now I knew Shelly had cancer, why did I encourage her to have another round of chemo when she died anyway?
Why did I not want to be in the room when my mother passed?
Why did I not want to spend a long time with all the other relatives when my brother died?

And so it goes......even to the point of having guilt about my darling Cavalier and how I missed a clue for which she suffered.

Mindful speech reaches out to me sometimes ...... when I talk to myself, I ask.... is this true? is it kind? is it necessary? So why am I feeling so guilty.

I work on it with daily meditation and after several years I think I am turning the corner. When I walk by Kala's painting, I smile these days.....instead of sinking in despair. That is progress. The smile is for all the good memories I have of her and the appreciation I have for being able to spend so much time with her.

This process takes time. You must start somewhere. If you were here I would invite you to be a guest in our sangha. Talk about being understood and loved.

My best to you and may you be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.

Chris

@annmarry1 Good morning. I’m so sorry about the death of your best friend and the other family members you have cared for. It takes a special person to provide such care. Sometimes grief comes long before a death when we realize that this is no longer the person we knew for all those years. We can lash out in anger because we’re angry at the world, at the situation we’re in. 2020 only increased all of our feelings and there was no way to handle them.
Forgive yourself and don’t beat up on yourself. Just say, I loved her and did the best that I could.
We’re always here for you, should you need us