1. < Depression & Anxiety

Stress/Anxiety/Insomnia/Memory Issues

Posted by mandrake70 @mandrake70, Aug 30, 2019

Hi everyone,
I've had depression for the past 30 years or so and was on some heavy medications, tried ECT, etc. Nothing worked. I ended up trying the Ketamine Infusions and they worked for getting rid of my depression. I'm still dealing with anxiety and some really bad memory issues. I can't remember a lot of things that happened in the past and I am having trouble with remembering new things. Sometimes I am OK with making new memories, other times I can't recall a damn thing. My doctor is telling me that it's the anxiety and the insomnia that is causing the problem with my memory. Before the Ketamine treatments, it was depression and anxiety that were causing my memory problems.
I'm scared that it's the medication I was on for so long or the ECTs I underwent at the suggestions of my old doctor. She had me over medicated so I wonder if that could be some of the problems too. I have this fear that it is early onset dementia.
I'm also dealing with being separated from my wife and daughter right now. My wife pretty much gave up on me due to the depression and asked me to move out two months ago. Now that it is gone, she is angry about my memory issues and wants me to come up with a plan to fix everything that has gone wrong in our marriage. I tried sitting down with her last night with a pen and paper so I could get a list of things she felt needed to be fixed and she wouldn't go over it again with me. I am pretty sure we are done at this point which is adding a lot of stress to my life. She has some issues too but doesn't believe she does so they have gone untreated. Her issues have caused a huge rift in the family over the years and made my depression worse. I have always been a fixer so I keep trying to fix the marriage. I think at this point, it might be better if I stop trying.
My daughter asked me to take her to a therapist last night because of what she is going through right now and how she is feeling. I will be calling her doctor and getting that set up today. Something else for me to worry about right now and I am really scared for her.

Thanks for 'listening.'

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mariajean03 | @mariajean03 | Nov 14, 2020

I'm also having memory issues. I can't remember things from way back or last week. I thinks it's from past ECT's and 325 of seraquel. Do you feel like you are in a fog all the time? It's awful. Maria.

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1 reply
Erika | @erikas | Nov 14, 2020
In reply to @karjack "I'm so sorry to read all the whoas, I too feel as if I am going..." + (show)
@karjack

I'm so sorry to read all the whoas, I too feel as if I am going crazy not being able to remember this from my past, I am pretty sure that it's because at a young age I was abused by my husband mentally and physically. we had 2 kids at a very young age 19. and i'm sure he couldn't have cared less. I don't have one family picture. my son is an alcoholic and my x doesn't even talk to our daughter. I'm so sick that i even talk to him. we live in different states. He makes me feel like a telephone mom even though my kids and I are fine.sometimes I can't even think of certain words in simple sentences. I've had therapy, it helps for me to cry and cry, sometimes like last few days i just don't want to even be here. My husband is sick and tired of hearing about my x. i can't blame him.
whoa is me, I should be happy I have a good life, but I am not.I take ambien to sleep at times, I just had rotator cuff surgery, so i've been in pain for over 8 months, I can't remember anything from my past except for being abused. I'm tired.

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@karjack It sounds like in many ways you left your 1st marriage but the effects of the relationship continue to haunt you. You have an extensive trauma history. I know that you said you've had therapy but it sounds like you need more intensive trauma work. Therapy isn't a one-and-done endeavor for most. With trauma, each layer needs to be slowly peeled away and for many this takes years. The work is so worth it and it CAN and WILL get easier.

You mentioned that you, 'don't want to even be here." It's is normal to have these kinds of thoughts but I need to check in and make sure that you feel that you can keep yourself safe? If at any point you felt that you couldn't keep yourself safe would you tell a loved one and/or call authorities?

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1 reply
buyearly | @buyearly | Nov 15, 2020

I am so sorry for all you are going through and I hope you continue with the treatment that seems to be helping. I can offer a small ray of
hope concerning your fear of early onset dementia. I just completed cognitive testing with a NeuroPsychologist. The testing is painless and takes only a few hours. It shows things like Alzheimers, dementia, Parkinson, in addition to other areas of brain function. It alleviated my concerns of Alzheimers and Parkinson and was very helpful. My prayers that you will know God's direction in all that HE wants to help you with. He loves you and wants HIS best for you.

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Iseeincolors | @karjack | Nov 15, 2020
In reply to @erikas "@karjack It sounds like in many ways you left your 1st marriage but the effects of..." + (show)
@erikas

@karjack It sounds like in many ways you left your 1st marriage but the effects of the relationship continue to haunt you. You have an extensive trauma history. I know that you said you've had therapy but it sounds like you need more intensive trauma work. Therapy isn't a one-and-done endeavor for most. With trauma, each layer needs to be slowly peeled away and for many this takes years. The work is so worth it and it CAN and WILL get easier.

You mentioned that you, 'don't want to even be here." It's is normal to have these kinds of thoughts but I need to check in and make sure that you feel that you can keep yourself safe? If at any point you felt that you couldn't keep yourself safe would you tell a loved one and/or call authorities?

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Dear Erika, thanks for responding, i am in the process of finding a therapist, now. I have never gotten over the abuse. I go backwards all the time. At the moment I am not talking to me x but still feel bad about that, i guess the human side of me takes over, and I need a little more me side.

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1 reply
Iseeincolors | @karjack | Nov 15, 2020
In reply to @mariajean03 "I'm also having memory issues. I can't remember things from way back or last week. I..." + (show)
@mariajean03

I'm also having memory issues. I can't remember things from way back or last week. I thinks it's from past ECT's and 325 of seraquel. Do you feel like you are in a fog all the time? It's awful. Maria.

Jump to this post

I don't feel like I'm in a fog really, I just wish I could remember some good times from High School, but there again, I let myself be taken advantage of, I think being one of 8 I got lost in the shuffle, and had no one to go to.

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Iseeincolors | @karjack | Nov 15, 2020
In reply to @marjou "@mandrake70 I too have depression as far back as childhood. I have tried ECT and did..." + (show)
@marjou

@mandrake70 I too have depression as far back as childhood. I have tried ECT and did have some memory issues but with time most of it has come back. I've read some of your other posts and Ambien can cause some of the sleep walking which I have experienced and scary. Melatonin helps me with sleep but in small doses 3 mg because in higher doses caused me to have horrific nightmares. Your daughter seems to be a positive in your life and we all need that. Blessings and prayers🙏

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Ambien helps me to sleep, but I hate having to always take something. Melatonin, does nothing for me.I feel a mess most of the time. I wish I could erase and start over.

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Iseeincolors | @karjack | Nov 15, 2020
In reply to @jesfactsmon "@karjack It sounds like you are unhappy in the most important relationships in your life, your..." + (show)
@jesfactsmon

@karjack
It sounds like you are unhappy in the most important relationships in your life, your children, your husband and your ex husband. You indicate that even to this day, after being separated from your ex for so long, he is still a torment to you. This is very unhealthy. I do not know you. I only know what you have said here so what I am going to say may or may not apply to you, it's just based on what you have said.

I believe you need to stop communicating with your ex husband. You obviously want to continue with a close relationship with your kids and that goes without saying, but this other person who you eliminated from your life once before should not still be a part of it. It would be unrealistic to think this will solve all of your problems, but change has to start somewhere, and getting this abusive person removed once and for all from your life sounds like a good place to start.

Here is something that might help. If you believe in God, this is the time to ask for his help. If you keep your mind turned toward him and sincerely ask for his help and for strength to deal more effectively with your life, you may, with time, be surprised at what comes. If you do not have a belief in God or at least some type of higher power, the advice still stands. Get rid of your ex from your life.

I am very saddened to hear about anyone allowing an abusive person to remain in their life. Please do this for yourself, your husband and your kids. It will absolutely improve your life, I am certain of it.

With warm regards and hope for a better life for you, Hank

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Thanks so much for all these caring words, I know you are right on the mark when it comes to getting this horrible man out of my life once and for all, I am trying it's only been a week so far "again" but somehow I feel with a little help from my friends i'll be able to do it this time. I do believe in God and when I am at my worst and my best I reach out. Somehow I know it's all up to me. Thanks you very much for caring enough to comment, it helps.

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Iseeincolors | @karjack | Nov 15, 2020
In reply to @gingerw "@karjack You mentioned you have had therapy before. Are you currently in a professional therapy, or..." + (show)
@gingerw

@karjack You mentioned you have had therapy before. Are you currently in a professional therapy, or might you consider it? It sounds like you have quite a struggle right now.

If you feel you are in danger of doing something to end your life, please call 911, or the the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org.

Are you taking any medications for anti-depression? Please let me know how you are doing today.
Ginger

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I'm ok today, getting better, struggling with thoughts of not talking to my x but I know I have to get him out of my life he's so toxic.I've been on citalopram for years, HA it's a joke, how does anything help unless your sedated .hahaha. Take care and I look for to you and I communicating.

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1 reply
Mentor
Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Nov 16, 2020
In reply to @karjack "I'm ok today, getting better, struggling with thoughts of not talking to my x but I..." + (show)
@karjack

I'm ok today, getting better, struggling with thoughts of not talking to my x but I know I have to get him out of my life he's so toxic.I've been on citalopram for years, HA it's a joke, how does anything help unless your sedated .hahaha. Take care and I look for to you and I communicating.

Jump to this post

@karjack I hope the sun is shining for you today, if not outside in the weather, at least in your heart, knowing people are concerned for you.

It's hard to break a habit, isn't it, even when we know it is not healthy. I have been where you are, thinking about and involving myself in a former relationship that is no longer part of my life. It felt to me "if only I can do this, or that, it will be okay again" even when that wasn't possible. It was heart-wrenching to realize i had spent so much time and energy wrapped up in a dead-end situation, so then I berated myself for that. Emotionally smacking myself, calling myself "stupid". It took a lot of in-depth work on myself and with professional assistance, to stop that way of thinking and living. And I am better off for it.

When you find the right therapist for you, I hope you will let me know how much better ou feel. Meanwhile, please continue to post here, and let us support you.
Ginger

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1 reply
Iseeincolors | @karjack | Nov 17, 2020
In reply to @gingerw "@karjack I hope the sun is shining for you today, if not outside in the weather,..." + (show)
@gingerw

@karjack I hope the sun is shining for you today, if not outside in the weather, at least in your heart, knowing people are concerned for you.

It's hard to break a habit, isn't it, even when we know it is not healthy. I have been where you are, thinking about and involving myself in a former relationship that is no longer part of my life. It felt to me "if only I can do this, or that, it will be okay again" even when that wasn't possible. It was heart-wrenching to realize i had spent so much time and energy wrapped up in a dead-end situation, so then I berated myself for that. Emotionally smacking myself, calling myself "stupid". It took a lot of in-depth work on myself and with professional assistance, to stop that way of thinking and living. And I am better off for it.

When you find the right therapist for you, I hope you will let me know how much better ou feel. Meanwhile, please continue to post here, and let us support you.
Ginger

Jump to this post

The sun is shining here, for me and in my world "today" I am feeling a bit more positive, although it's still a tough road to walk. I blocked my x so he can't call. step in the right direction. I can't believe the time I have spent trying to change this man, if I only say this, or that, he'll get it. He never will. He's a narcissist, and they are a lost cause. I am a human that cares too much sometimes. Or do I have that wrong? Anyway thanks for the notes , I so appreciate it, it helps.

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