Caregiving: I’m frustrated and exhausted.

Hi @kimspr3 I was referring to a document my wife wrote explaining those things she wanted done in various circumstances should they happen to occur. She wanted to avoid some of the traumas , , second guessing, and resultant arguing, which had occurred in her family at the times of earlier deaths. Such as ‘ if ‘A’ happens to me, I want the following done.’ If ‘B’ happens, then do this (something different.

She also included giving some highly personal items to specific folks prior to her death as well as all directions for her Celebration of Life.

I can elaborate if you’d like.

Hi Scott. This would be very helpful to me tho' I am not the originator of this query. Mom has now been diagnosed as Alzheimers and your thoughts re this planning ahead on what she would prefer would be very good for us. Can you advise? We just had our first conversation tonight about for example, f you have Alzheimers and pneumonia, or stroke, or heart attack or are in a vegetative state, do you want lifesaving measures of any type,ie meds, IV feeding, etc

@kathymcl There is a document that I have used myself, called 5 Wishes. It is a great, non-confrontational approach to looking at final wishes and desires. http://Www.fivewishes.org is their website, and there is a selection of resource material, also. For so many people, it is a difficult topic to bring up, let alone discuss. Being a practical person, I found it to be invaluable. Let us know how we can help you.
Ginger

Good morning @kathymcl Sorry for the delay in responding, but I had to travel out of state for a funeral. My DIL’s Mom died and it was good for me to be there for our grandsons since I am now the last living grandparent. A sobering thought for me.

Now to your point.

One of the most important ‘rules’ my wife and I established was to be each other’s sounding boards. We agreed to talk through each issue we brought up, think about it separately, then talk about them together again — bringing our new questions and thoughts — and then adjust our decision and put it in writing.

We did this for things we did not have in our legal papers of our estate plan, wills, POA, medical directives, etc. that were drafted by our attorney.

The items we worked on were some of the most important of her life. Perhaps not legally, but certainly for peace of mind. It was about the things that actually mattered most to her. Her decisions for care, some donations and gifts she wanted to give while alive, her Celebration of Life — including music, the five places where her ashes were to go, music, eulogists, and even wine.

Let me know more questions.

@leeandpat I just had another thought, FMLA. That’s Family Medical Leave Act. It’s a law that covers those who need to provide care for a family member. Look up https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/what-is-serious-health-condition-under-the-fmla.html. Folks on the site should be able to give you information. Maybe your son could do this?! Also, https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla. Will you let us know if this helps?

Thank You Scott, I have a will but no family. No Medical Power of Attorney. One thing I am sure of, I will be donating my body to a medical school because of the A.A . and lack of interest and it's cause. It means so much to me that others will not endure what I have and many others. I don't know what to do with my Antiques, Jewelry, ETC. Someone did my Ancestry, 5 volumes, so much. My Uncles Purple Heart, Medals, Letters from President Rosevelt, and of-course His American Flag. I can't count on anyone. Some times I can't sleep thinking about all this but especially my Sergeant Uncle Sam. I will probably pass before my husband. Hope you re doing well

Hi @kimspr3 As a genealogist and our family historian I understand your concerns. I might make a couple of suggestions for your consideration. There might be a local or county historical society interested in the family materials. Or maybe the branch of the military museum of your uncle.

Also, I know from my wife’s experience arrangements for medical body donation needs to be arranged in advance due to several scientific-based issues. Just a heads up in case it helps.

You mentioned your household goods. Maybe donate them to a charity via your will?

I am doing well and appreciate your kind wishes!

I just posted a new conversation here in caregiver stress.......it sounds like we're having the same experience. I'd like to share as we both navigate this difficult path. I too am a breast cancer survivor and am taking care of my husband who has terminal cancer (which they can't identify the type of cancer). I work as well and like you have all of the other responsibilities as well. It's exhausting and depressing and perhaps together we can share and relieve at least a little of the burden and if we find coping skills or ideas or even humor or solace, I'd like to have someone who I can support who can support me and a fellow whiner (ha ha). I wish I had answers but so far I'm just getting by day to day. Hugs to you. If you'd like to continue to share, I'd appreciate a friend who understands and that might be you.

@cindylb Hello and welcome back. Your situation does sound difficult and exhausting. I’m currently not a caregiver, but have been one in the past. My husband has been my caregiver, but I’m doing better now. Do you have any family who can help? Who provides the care while you’re at work? It sounds like you could use someone 2 or 3 days a week. Is your husband in hospice? Some hospice groups have volunteers who have been trained to help in situations like yours. Maybe you have a neighbor who could just come over and sit while you go for a walk. And here’s a virtual hug for you! Please let us know what else we can do to help!

Thanks for the hug! I responded on the other thread too (I've made a confusing situation of that already, ha ha).
My husband is not in hospice. His cancer and overall health is quite unusual. We just returned from his oncology visit and even the doctors don't know what he has (what type of cancer) or what to expect. It's just an 'all gray area' for all of us. It makes it hard to plan and move forward or even know what the next steps should be. My husband is well enough most of the time to care for himself now but can't help around the house or with household or financial situations. That falls to me. I think my biggest regret so far is that I work all the time and don't have time to even really be with him. I feel that if I let one ball drop it will all go bad very quickly. I'm trying to get ahead of it a little so that should things get worse I will be able to manage to be with him.
We're in a weird spot where we don't have financial means we need but aren't poor enough for assistance. I'm not able to manage everything I need to do day to day but not in a position where getting 'help' seems plausible if I want to make sure I have it down the line.......another gray area.
Living in the gray area and going gray pretty quickly!!