Importance of focusing on Positive with Depression & Anxiety.

In my journey with depression and anxiety, the more I lived in doubt and negative thinking, the worse my mental became. I was not a happy person and not a good person to be around. I had to turn my life around when someone I considered a mentor removed themselves from my life. That was a hard hit and made me realize I need to change. Over the course of 9-10 months, I became a happier, mentally healthier person, and I was able to reconnect with that mentor. I turned into someone people wanted to be around. I no longer felt sorry for myself and chose to change things in my life that I was not happy about. Sometimes a big kick in the butt is what people need to realize they are living a negative lifestyle.

Well, it’s been a rough year for all of us but the Truth about my search for a happier life has brought forth a battle with the past. I have been able to calm my anxiety attacks but i have been tagged with sporadic bursts of anger. I know where it’s coming from. My Dad. Something appears from the past and suddenly I want to hurt people.

Yes, I too have old past family traumas that have resurfaced and constantly bombarding my thoughts to point of anger. Therapy and meds don't seem to help, but these difficult times feed the fuel of these thoughts. Thank you for being so honest.

@stsopoci The good thing is that you are being insightful enough to understand where a source of your bursts of anger come from! This is great - you have something to work on, and face. Nope, not always a pleasant task, but work on making it rewarding. How is it you want to hurt people? Have you sought out counseling or therapy to help you?
Ginger

@stsopoci I wanted to check in. It has been a tough year for many people. When we "work" on ourselves difficult emotions can come up. Often times these feelings are something we have suppressed for a long time. Due to our suppressing these emotions we don't always know how to effectively "handle" these unfamiliar difficult emotions.

You said that you felt sporadic bursts of anger that relate to your father. May I ask how you are taking care of yourself through these difficult emotions and what does your support system look like?

My sister worked at regions hospital (St Paul, mn)for mental health and understands me but she has Also suggested I search out someone independent of our family to talk to. I have tried male psychiatric help and for 2 meetings have wanted to kill them. I have had suicidal thoughts in New Mexico riding with friends and extreme anger when visiting the hospital with 3 medical staff people. I look back at those events and realized I had an anxiety attack every time. I’m retired 7 years and had 3 anxiety attacks at work the last 2 years I was working.
Why do psychiatrists try to make me angry... I don’t want to hurt them and wouldn’t realize I was hurting them till after.
My sister says I should work with a women and keep in touch with my sister weekly. I have forgiven my narcissistic Dad. Something is missing in my therapy that needs to be found. I know that I witnessed him hurting my Mom when I was 10 years old and other incidents but when I hear certain narcissistic selfish language i go to a dark place.

@stsopoci

I appreciate the openness and authenticity in your post. Just wondering, if most (or all) of those anxiety attacks occurred while you were in the presence of men? If so, this may be an area to work on with a therapist (as your sister suggested, perhaps a female therapist).

This is just a suggestion, but while you may have forgiven your dad the memories will never be gone completely. Could it be that your anxiety reactions to these men might instead be a reaction to your dad? Perhaps you need to learn to deal with those memories in a more healthy way.

I'm not a mental health professional, so these are just suggestions from someone who has walked a recovery road.

@stsopoci It sounds like your sister is a good support for you but family (informal support) is only a piece of getting the answers (treatment) you need.

You said that, "psychiatrists try to make" you angry and that you, "don’t want to hurt them and wouldn’t realize" you were hurting them until after.

As Ginger mentioned, do you think you are triggered by the psychiatrists? I'd also like clarification regarding "hurting" someone. Did you "hurt" the psychiatrist?

It's important that everyone is safe and this includes you too. May I ask how you can keep yourself and others safe?

I have just left or stop going before ....I can feel my blood pressure rising and my teeth getting clenched and I go out the door fast. In past experiences with this I just stay there until I attack people. I have only done that at work. I’m retired and won’t work. I have never hit my wife or family.
I went into emergency when I had suicidal feelings and sat in front of 3 medical people and I could not say anything to them.. I got extremely angry but sat there in my chair and pounded my knees , etc.
Whenever I feel this way I can walk away from the narcissistic event and calm down. It’s my Dad looking at me and slapping my face. It’s him telling me I must be perfect but I can’t be perfect.

You have developed some tremendous insight into how your dad's past actions are still controlling your current behavior and thoughts, @stsopoci. Of course, you can't be perfect, none of us can be perfect. As you well know, neither was your dad perfect.
I would encourage you to discuss this insight with a trained therapist. Will you look for a therapist who you can trust with this insight?