Depression: Handling Ups and Downs in Marriage and other relationships

@kimspr3 - I'm sorry to hear that there is no change in your husband noticing your limping, pain and difficulties from the adhesive arachnoiditis. I can imagine this causes emotional pain for you and is heartbreaking to not feel like your husband understands or is empathic with your pain, or is reaching out with thoughtfulness.

Sounds as though you have made some good decisions in self-care by having your psychiatrist talk with him about this and also talking to the social worker from the visiting nurse about maintaining your dignity.

Hoping that @merpreb @windwalker @artscaping and others will have some input for you, especially as you are starting to give up that things will turn around with him.

You talked about wondering how your husband feels, as you are not the same person you used to be. Wondering if you are considering having a serious conversation with him soon to ask him more about how he feels?

@lisalucier-My wife & I have been married 43 years and we've known from the beginning that we were in many ways polar opposites. I've for the most part have viewed that as part of our strength. About 18 years ago while on vacation with our children my wife began suffering from what we learned a year later was Crohn's. There have been many ups & downs throughout those years, but once she was given Remicade, things really settled down. As we've aged there have been new dimensions to her illness that have me concerned and it seems she has been for the most part in denial of much of this.
We somewhat haved reversed roles that are a typical of a couple in that I tend to be the one that that has all the feelings and wants to talk things out and my wife feels I'm over reacting and there is no real problem. We always went to each others Dr. appts., but now she would rather me not come.
I see things happening to her and she does not to the point that she denies it. My kids on visits have seen the same things and have also tried to say something, but those conversations do not go anywhere. When I had my heart attack in May of 14 she was wonderful & caring and although very serious having a single stent placed in my LAD was enough and I fully recovered and regained much of my strength & vigor. I'm 5 years (67) older than my wife and she has slowed down quite a bit. Our sex life has suffered quite a bit and I have suggested that we see a Dr. together and even consider some counseling but she is not really interested in persueing that at all. I know we both love each other dearly, but our relationship has stalled.
I'm committed to our relationship and I believe my wife is as well. Life goes on and I'm hoping for a breathrough. I trust God and continue caring & loving this beautiful person that He brought into my life hoping things will change. Never give up and remain thankful. Jim@thankful

@kimspr3, Good evening. I am feeling so much empathy for your relationship situation. I have been in this situation with 4 different relationships over the last 44 or so years. Every time, I tell myself I am not going down that rabbit hole again. And yet, I hold out hope for finding a partner who understands what being a buddy means. Be that as it may, I think men are what I call "fix it" folks.

They want to jump in and fix it so that they can get on with their landscape project or a fishing trip. So what happens when the new normal for you is chronic pain and a limited ability to be of assistance in taking out the trash or weeding the flower beds. Is this time for a marathon chat about your feelings and your medical issues? You give it try and start speaking only to hear, "I get it. I get it." And then you see him checking his phone.

What is the message here? In essence, he appears to be giving you nothing that could be considered warm and fuzzy. And yet, the real answer is that he is the one who feels inadequate because he can't help you. What activities do you enjoy together? When is the last time you went to a movie? They have those wonderful lounge chairs now.

My partner and I are committed buddies. I go to his medical and treatment visits. He goes to mine. That's really new for me because I am the one that feels uncomfortable talking about medical issues with my medical provider and my buddy. Do you go together to medical appointments? It's a great way to have a memory backup.

We are learning...we take small steps. Please let me know if you are able to have a chat and clarify some dangling issues. In the meantime may you be free of suffering and have a restful sleep. Chris

@kimspr3 - I'm sorry to hear that there is no change in your husband noticing your limping, pain and difficulties from the adhesive arachnoiditis. I can imagine this causes emotional pain for you and is heartbreaking to not feel like your husband understands or is empathic with your pain, or is reaching out with thoughtfulness.

Sounds as though you have made some good decisions in self-care by having your psychiatrist talk with him about this and also talking to the social worker from the visiting nurse about maintaining your dignity.

Hoping that @merpreb @windwalker @artscaping and others will have some input for you, especially as you are starting to give up that things will turn around with him.

You talked about wondering how your husband feels, as you are not the same person you used to be. Wondering if you are considering having a serious conversation with him soon to ask him more about how he feels?

Hi Lisa, Giving up I meant, giving up in so may ways. Taking care of myself, I can not eat. My P.M. Dr. knows and Psychologist knows. My husband can only change for a day, 20 min. He wants me to ask him if I need help. I will NOT he likes to be asked! Rarely on his own. I must keep my pride and dignaty around him. He is not a communicator, never was. At time he will look at me with a blank stare if I try. I'm not as shy as I once was. I can't break the habit of saying to him "may I". "can I" I need to be more conscience of that! I wish I could hug all of you and give you the warmth and concern back to let you know I am here for you also.

This topic could not be more relevant to my situation. I have been married for 44 years and have always been the stronger one. I have always done all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, finances, yard work and maintaining the vehicles. I have also done all the minor home repairs or arranged for someone to do the bigger things. I reared our two boys pretty much on my own. The boys are now 41 and 37 so we have been empty nesters for a long time.

He is 72 and still works full time because I encourage him to do so. He has congestive heart failure and has a defibrillator. He is nearly 300 lbs and refuses to do any kind of exercise. He says his knees hurt too much. He has had a TKR on the right knee and refuses to do the left one. He didn't follow through with the PT after the right knee surgery. He suffers from depression but won't talk to his doctors about it. He had no desire to do anything and spends his time at home either on his computer or watching tv. On the weekends he won't shower unless I tell him he has to. We have a membership to the local aquatics and fitness center but he won't go. He is a 'former' smoker who says he quit years ago after a massive heart attack in 1997. I to this day still catch him smoking.

I am 64 today. I had to quit working five years ago and apply for disability because I was no longer able to do my job. A meningioma and resulting surgery in 2009 caused a cognitive impairment. That in addition to fibromyalgia made it impossible for me to retain information to perform the tasks. I was a sales rep for a company that developed and sold software for pharmacies. I was good at what I did and in addition to bringing in new accounts I was also responsible for all of the independent clients across the US and the Virgin Islands. I could no longer remember how to get to places that I visited frequently. I couldn't remember what I was doing and why. The stress of trying to maintain made the fibromyalgia worse. I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety and other physical problems.

We are more like roommates that spouses. There is no physical relationship and hasn't been for a few years. It became very painful for me and his BPH left him with a diminished ability to perform. It became one sided in that I provided him with pleasure but I got nothing in return. Lots of promises but no follow through.

He has always had a problem understanding the fibromyalgia and no matter how much I tried to explain it to him he didn't really seem interested. I would provide him with materials to read that never got read. He never asked how any of my doctor visits went or about tests results. Now I am being tested for possible heart issues and he showed a little interest at first but not any more.

I still do all the things I have always done. As long as his needs are met everything is fine. If I ask him to help he either waits until I get fed up and do it myself or he deliberately makes a mess for me to clean up. If I call him on it he accuses me of turning everything back to him and everything is all his fault. He says I am always picking on him and his response to any discussion is to leave. There is never any civil discussion of the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and gets angry.

He will be retiring in September of next year. I don't know how I will function with him underfoot 24/7.

@cindyt63 It is a tough predicament to be in. Have you considered counseling? I not joint, go alone. It sounds like you may need to establish some coping skills to deal with the issues you laid out. Will you let us know what you decide?
Ginger

Ginger, I failed to mention that I have been in counseling for over a year now. My therapist has been a tremendous help in dealing with the depression and anxiety. He is also helping me learn to cope with my relationship. My therapist tells me after every visit to remember to do something for me and that if my hubby doesn't want to participate to go without him. I have told my hubby that once he retires I want to do things and not sit at home 24/7 and that if he doesn't want to go I will go without him. He laughs.