This topic could not be more relevant to my situation. I have been married for 44 years and have always been the stronger one. I have always done all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, finances, yard work and maintaining the vehicles. I have also done all the minor home repairs or arranged for someone to do the bigger things. I reared our two boys pretty much on my own. The boys are now 41 and 37 so we have been empty nesters for a long time.

He is 72 and still works full time because I encourage him to do so. He has congestive heart failure and has a defibrillator. He is nearly 300 lbs and refuses to do any kind of exercise. He says his knees hurt too much. He has had a TKR on the right knee and refuses to do the left one. He didn't follow through with the PT after the right knee surgery. He suffers from depression but won't talk to his doctors about it. He had no desire to do anything and spends his time at home either on his computer or watching tv. On the weekends he won't shower unless I tell him he has to. We have a membership to the local aquatics and fitness center but he won't go. He is a 'former' smoker who says he quit years ago after a massive heart attack in 1997. I to this day still catch him smoking.

I am 64 today. I had to quit working five years ago and apply for disability because I was no longer able to do my job. A meningioma and resulting surgery in 2009 caused a cognitive impairment. That in addition to fibromyalgia made it impossible for me to retain information to perform the tasks. I was a sales rep for a company that developed and sold software for pharmacies. I was good at what I did and in addition to bringing in new accounts I was also responsible for all of the independent clients across the US and the Virgin Islands. I could no longer remember how to get to places that I visited frequently. I couldn't remember what I was doing and why. The stress of trying to maintain made the fibromyalgia worse. I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety and other physical problems.

We are more like roommates that spouses. There is no physical relationship and hasn't been for a few years. It became very painful for me and his BPH left him with a diminished ability to perform. It became one sided in that I provided him with pleasure but I got nothing in return. Lots of promises but no follow through.

He has always had a problem understanding the fibromyalgia and no matter how much I tried to explain it to him he didn't really seem interested. I would provide him with materials to read that never got read. He never asked how any of my doctor visits went or about tests results. Now I am being tested for possible heart issues and he showed a little interest at first but not any more.

I still do all the things I have always done. As long as his needs are met everything is fine. If I ask him to help he either waits until I get fed up and do it myself or he deliberately makes a mess for me to clean up. If I call him on it he accuses me of turning everything back to him and everything is all his fault. He says I am always picking on him and his response to any discussion is to leave. There is never any civil discussion of the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and gets angry.

He will be retiring in September of next year. I don't know how I will function with him underfoot 24/7.

Jump to this post