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~ Depressed and scared, not making it financially ~
Mental Health | Last Active: Mar 19, 2022 | Replies (428)Comment receiving replies
I want my posts to be from newest to oldest, but don't know how so I'm just starting a new one. I hope it's OK.
I've lived in Staunton, VA for 4 years now, after moving from Frederick, MD where I lived with my husband, and 3 children for 30 years. I got divorced about 12-15 years ago (not sure of the date), but what I didn't know was that not only did my 2 daughters live down here, but so did my X-husband. I did not ask for alimony as at the time I had my Dad's inheritance, which was "ponzi-d" .... I won't go into that now. I live in a low-income apartment which I only leave to go to the grocery store. I see one of my daughter's about once a week. I worked for a dentist in Frederick and when he retired, I moved down here. At 75 I cannot find a job ..... anywhere down here. I struggle every month to pay my bills. If it weren't for my son who sends me money each month, I'd be on the streets. I struggle with Bipolar 2. The passed few weeks have been awful. Usually summer is my favorite time of year, but this year I feel like I'm in a deep dark hole, covered with a black wet blanket .... I'm calling out for help and people just stop, look in, and move on. I've tried to tell my girls how badly this has gotten, and also that part of it could be genetic (my mother was Bipolar 1), and they don't want to hear it. They sort of just change the subject, move on, or just walk away. I can't tell you how awful I feel ..... if I weren't so afraid, I'd probably end it all. No job, no friends (low income = unsafe), no church at this point even though I've been looking. I'm afraid to tell the new Psychiatrist I have down here as I'm afraid he'll put me in the hospital and the one down here isn't very safe either. I'm just at the end of my rope, afraid to die, yet afraid to live anymore.
Thanks for listening, abby
Replies to "I want my posts to be from newest to oldest, but don't know how so I'm..."
Hi @amberpep, I moved your message to your previous discussion where you are connected with several members who know your story.
First some housekeeping.
1) to see all of your messages from newest to oldest, simply go to your profile and scroll down to your post. See here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/member/39725aa00ced969899847a73bad8bf432266449e0/
2) to see the messages in a discussion from Newest to Oldest, select Newest to Oldest in the dropdown menu under the first message. See the example in the picture below. You can also read more here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/new-customize-the-order-you-view-posts-see-new-posts-first/
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Abby, I'm sorry that you are feeling in a deep dark hole covered with a wet blanket. I really feel like you need to tell someone and encourage you to be honest with your psychiatrist. You mention that you are afraid to do so because he may send you to the hospital where you don't feel safe. We are here to support you Abby, but it sounds like you need trained counsellors to help you at this time. You might consider calling the NAMI Helpline. The NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 am–6 pm, ET.
1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org
Learn more here: https://www.nami.org/help
If you feel in crisis at any time call or text 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org to speak with a trained crisis counselor 24/7. They can help. Don't hesitate to call:
988
Hi, Abby. Do you play a harp? It's a beautiful instrument. I'm a pianist, kind of like a harp on legs with keys. My therapist has been trying to get me back to practicing, and I know it would be good for me, but there always seems to be a reason not to.
I was in a deep,dark hole right next to yours. I'd think I'd hit bottom, only to discover a deeper depth. I had no one to talk to at the time, until I admitted myself to a nice place that's an extension of our hospital, for people like me who had failed suicide attempts. I had been falling downward for a couple of years, and it took maybe 5 years to get out of the hole and away from the edge. I've tried to OD a few more times after I left the safe house.
We sometimes need more help than we can admit to. Even though we know better, a stigma remains, whether it's depression or bipolar or suicidal ideation or any other brain pain. And it really is pain that we feel. And some kinds of pain are more easily treated. As for our kids, my daughter gets it, partly because she has episodes of depression. Our son is a different story. He thinks I just need to pray more, etc. etc. When we visit, they pretend everything is ok. Maybe they think everything IS ok.
I never had the blanket over me. Does that make it feel heavier to be where you are? I'm not sure how I'd feel. Probably smothered.
I don't think we have any guarantee that everything will get better. What I'm still learning is how to move forward with the weight of the rocks in my backpack, and which rocks I can get rid of. It's looking like it will be a lifetime process for me.
Can you get an appointment with the local psychiatrist in their office, or are they only doing video conferencing? I Zoom with my therapist, and I don't get down to business with him like I do in his office. It's hard for me to express what's going on over the phone. I'm sure lots of people are ok with that but it's not a good way for me.
As Colleen said, you aren't alone in this. I know too well the aloneness, regardless of what people say. I would love to have the supernatural words to say that would lighten your load today. Before I go to sleep (already way past time), I'll pray for protection and comfort for you.
You're loved, Abby.
Jim
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@amberpep I recall reading your posts in several different discussions. What resources have you checked out that are available to you in your area, your county? Is there a senior services agency that help you, or have you considered taking a room in a private residence, where your living expenses would be less? What about moving back to the area you left, since you seem to be so unhappy where you are now? Or moving in with one of your children?
Ginger