~ Depressed and scared, not making it financially ~

Hi everyone ... I am a 75 year old woman, divorced after 43 years and 3 adult kids. That was about 10 years ago. I got my own condo and was blissfully happy. For the first time I felt like I could be myself, do what I wanted (or not), go where I wanted, and just savor the joy of my own place and the peace and quiet it brought me. (my X is a narcissist) Well, from that time on my 2 girls hounded me to move to VA - near where they are. I didn't want to move, as for the first time in my life I was happy. They hounded me for about 4-5 years to "please move down Mom, we want you here." Finally I relented, and 4 years ago I moved down here. I lived in Harrisonburg for 1 year and now I've been in Staunton for 3 years. It was probably one of the worst decisions I ever made. It was like taking an old tree, ripping it out of the ground, and replanting it somewhere else and expecting it to thrive .... this old tree isn't thriving at all. Because of a situation I won't go into now, I live in a low-income complex with all the problems that go with that ..... drugs, guns, prostitution, etc. I am always inside before dark. I have not been able to find a church yet, I have no friends, except for 1 neighbor with whom I don't have much in common. Basically I only go to the grocery store, a doctor's appt., and my Psychiatrist for anxiety/depression (Bipolar 2). I keep thinking of all the things and people I left behind. It was truly "home" and I loved it. And to top it off, my X only lives about 20 miles from here. I know there's nothing anyone can do about it, but it just feels good to tell you all.
abby

Hi @amberpep, As per @gingerw's suggestion, I moved your new message to the discussion where you've told your story and received lovely support from so many caring members. This discussion now appears in both the Mental Health group where you originally posted it and in the Aging Well group where you posted.

Abby, it must be discouraging to read today's post and compare it to your post from 15 months ago and to see that your messages are almost the same. How can we help you move forward? Rather than looking in the rear view mirror and only seeing past times as "blissfully happy," how can you look out the front window and make small steps to accepting those things that have to be accepted and changing things that are in your control?

What is one thing that you can do today to make you smile?

@amberpep Discouraging for you to have been this unhappy for so long. I am sorry to see you still struggling so. Do you have any kind of hobbies?? It might give you some distraction. There are so many things that can be done with so little. I have been weaving small baskets out of newspaper tubes. I have neighbors who save their papers for me. This is only a suggestion.

Thank you so much Colleen ..... I appreciate your taking the time to write. My only "hobby" is reading .... another isolated venture. I truly think 90% of my feelings are due to the move. I was so happy up there, all my friends were there (here I have 1 "sort of" friend), my church up there (I haven't found any that fit at this point down here), all my neighbors were like a big family, my therapist is there, and I absolutely loved my condo and how cozy and safe I felt in it. It was mine and I decorated it to suit myself. I knew where to go for everything, and felt totally settled in, sort of like an old tree. I'd been in Frederick County for 32 years. Now I live in a low income community, with everything that goes with it .... drugs, fights, guns, hookers. I'm never out after dark. The other day I was walking my dog and about 30 ft. away was a group of boys - all about 10-11 (that's a guess). As I walked by one of them shouted "you can't "F" a dog." That did it ..... I turned around and told him that if lived in my house he'd have a bar of soap in his mouth. They stay away from me now. The people that "love" this town were born and raised here in the area, and they have very narrow definite ideas, so of course that always makes me a "yankee." I just should have never left Frederick .... my mistake and I'll probably pay for it forever. There's really nothing anyone can do .... it just is what it is.
abby

I just wanted to let you know that you are loved. I'm so sorry you have to go through these things.

@amberpep Hi Amber I am so sorry for your feeling of loneliness, I wanted to comment on 1 thing you mentioned about finding a Church and I am a firm believer in the ability of a church to help with what you are feeling. I am not from your area but I did some research on what looks to me as a solid church that may meet your needs. May I suggest looking into this church. Here is the link to there website
https://vbcstaunton.com/
Im sure if maybe you call them or send a note thru there website they may be able to help.

I Prey you have a Blessed Day
Dana

Hi Dana .... bless you. Thank you so much for your church suggestion. Actually, I think that is where my neighbor goes. I've been Western Orthodox for about 15-20 years, after being evangelical/charismatic since 1970. (yes, I'm an "old lady") The Western Orthodox down here is just starting, just getting on its feet, and there are very few people there. I went there for about 8 months, but I desperately need friends, and the 2 other women there didn't seem to respond to newcomers. This weekend (if the church is open) I'm going to visit an Anglican Church. It's very lonesome having your one and only "true" friend (and I think you know what I mean by that) being 4 hours away. I used to drive up monthly, but then got off track when I only see my therapist periodically. I went to him for 14 years and he saw me through years of abuse, divorce, much childhood abuse, a breakdown, and the move here. He was definitely a gift from God. I'm hoping that the Anglican Church - which judging from the pictures on their site - is not too big, will open up some doors for me to get connected. I am a person who enjoys being alone, but not all the time, every day, on and on and on. I saw a new book I'm going to get when I have the money ... it's called "Tell Your Heart To Sing Again" by James Gall (or Goll - not sure which).
And now with all this stuff involving the move, I had to have my kitty put to sleep last week. I have a dog and had a cat. Since I live alone, they are my family. Thanks again ...... abby

Does anyone else feel like they're getting loonie (or for me - loonier) with this "lockin" .... I call it "lockup."? I'm not one to run around and go somewhere every day ..... in fact I savor time to be home and read, but this is getting ridiculous. I know why, but I sometimes wonder if some of these leaders are on a power trip.

I assume I'm still in the "aging well" site ...... I hope so. In January I turned 75. All of a sudden it hit me! OMG! I'm getting old! I start figuring out how much time I may still have (right now I'm in excellent health with only a knee replacement), and my Dad lived to 86, even with Alzheimers. Has this ever "hit" any of you? It sort of took me aback. Oh, I "knew" the reality, but somehow now it got deep down inside. And, you all know my situation with the move and financially so I won't go into that again. If I had that money back, that the F.A. essentially stole from me, I'd have gone back to Frederick in a heartbeat, especially after I found out that my X-husband only lived about 20-25 minutes away.....UGH. I knew he was "down here somewhere" as my girls told me, but I had no idea he was that close. Anyhow, I really mentally feel old - not physically, but mentally. I keep thinking that "time is short, it won't be long now, and get ready." As if I don't struggle with depression (bipolar 1) enough, now I am fretting about this. I've read many books about it from the Christian viewpoint which are very encouraging, but I keep wondering .... "what is it like?" Thanks for listening. abby

Yes my anxiety is at an all time high.